Watching the old tube, I thought about how great cable TV is – all those wonderful channels! I started flipping around and found a new channel, the Wine Network. Well, that got my attention. Since a tired rerun of “Falcon Crest” was just about over, I grabbed a bottle of pinot noir and sat down to the Wine Network’s newest hit, “WWF: The Wine Wrestling Federation.”

This is what I call entertainment, I thought. I mean, there are World Cups, Super Bowls and Bud Bowls, so why not the Wine Wrestling Federation?

We all know a little about wrestling: the big, beefcake wrestlers in droopy tights, the loud and vulgar arena full of fireworks and flashing lights, the blonde boob-job girl sportscaster. In wrestling, there is always the bad guy and the good guy; someone to cheer for and to boo at.

The Wine Wrestling Federation is no exception. I thought that wine bottles would fight it out like they do in the Bud Bowl, but instead it was real live wrestlers.

The first was a huge, fat, loudmouthed wrestler called Marvelous Marv Meursault. He came out amid loud applause, raised his giant fist in the air and started mouthing off. “I’m going to show you geeks and cork dorks why chardonnay is king when I slam down and break the neck of sauvignon blanc,” he proclaimed. “All that acid and citrus fruit – sometimes it’s so herbaceous that it’s like chewing on freshly mowed grass.”

There was more thunderous applause, and from the other end came no other than Slammin’ Sammy Sancerre, with a cadre of bikini beauties in tow. He was the true pretty boy of the WWF, with curly blond locks, a cleft chin and an Arnold-like body. He was wearing a rabbit-fur full-length coat and was staring at himself in a hand mirror.

Gretchen Goodbody, the TV commentator, handed the mic to Slammin’ Sammy. He smiled and dazzled everyone with his white teeth. “White wine drinkers, I know the pain you’re in – drinking lousy chardonnay, over-oaked garbage, as fat and flabby as Marvelous Marv Meursault,” he shouted. “You know what I’m talking about, and I know that you’re sick of it. I may be the underdog, but when I leave here tonight I’m going to be the world champion, taking home that belt and wrapping it around my beautiful abs.”

The crowd went wild.

Slammin’ Sammy didn’t notice that Marvelous Marv had grabbed a folding chair, snuck up behind him and was about to slam him to the ground. The crowd screamed, and Gretchen almost fainted as Marvelous Marv struck the blow. Undaunted, Sammy bounced back, grabbing the fat Marvelous Marv and throwing him into the ring. The rabble cheered.

Then the bell rang, signaling that the contest was about to begin. Gretchen Goodbody explained the contest to the audience while both wrestlers sneered at each other.

“Marvelous Marv Meursault comes from Burgundy,” she announced. “Most historic wines in Europe have either regional or traditional names, and in Burgundy the noble white wines are all 100-percent chardonnay based. Some are the most expensive wines: Puligny-Montrachet, Chassagne-Montrachet and Montrachet. Bourgogne and Macon-Villages are reasonably priced. In Burgundy, chardonnay is known for its subtle tropical fruit and hints of minerality. Chardonnay loves oak, which adds spice and toasty flavors.”

In the new world, chardonnay is made like a beverage. It is often incompatible with food because it is over-oaked, and has low acids and high alcohol content. Gretchen knows her wines, I thought.

The beautiful Gretchen continued: “Slammin’ Sammy Sancerre comes from the great French line of sauvignon blanc: white Bordeaux, Pouilly-Fume and Sancerre. It is often blended with Semillon, which adds roundness to the mouth and feel. Sauvignon blanc is known for its beautiful acids – full of citrus fruit, herbaceousness, hints of pepper and minerality. When sauvignon blanc is bad, it is over-oaked, creamy, and tries to imitate chardonnay. The best sauvignon blancs are fermented in steel or neutral oak – oak detracts from its varietal characteristics.”

The contest commenced, and consisted of a series of punches, body slams and head butts. When the cloud of dust settled over the arena, Slammin’ Sammy had beaten Marvelous Marv.

As the smiling Slammin’ Sammy received his title belt, I switched the channel. “Python III” was on the Sci-Fi Channel.