Good life, wrong gender

Dear wrong gender:

I have several clients addressing gender identity issues similar to yours, and it is definitely one of the most challenging situations a person can find himself/herself in. As I certainly am not an expert on this subject, I have consulted with many persons wiser than I, and strongly recommend you contact both local and national resources listed below.

Locally, The Center in Hillcrest has several groups for people exploring transgender and transsexual questions. They are:

FTM/SO (Female-to-Male and Significant Others) Discussion Group: Meets on the fourth Wednesday of the month from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. at The Center. Call AJ Davis at (619)692-2077 ext. 212 for more information.

EAGER: A discussion and support group for transgender and trans-questioning youth, which meets Friday evenings from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. at the Hillcrest Youth Center.

In addition to these groups, I recommend that you contact The Center’s counseling services for a referral to a local psychotherapist or psychiatrist who specializes in assisting transgender and transsexual clients.

While it may not feel like it, you have many choices. I recently read She’s Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan. In this amazingly detailed memoir, the author (the former James Boylan) describes the many choices she made throughout her life, culminating with her decision to have gender reassignment surgery at age 41. Like you, Boylan has a wife and children, and she discusses all the pros and cons of how she decided to have the surgery, in consultation with her wife and friends. She is still married to her wife and they are raising their children together.

You’re not the first person to wonder how you can be the woman or man you feel you really are and honor your marriage and family. I am told that for people considering gender reassignment surgery, the Benjamin Standards of Care seem to be the gold standard, outlining a safe and cautious method of proceeding to transition from one gender to another. Speak with your doctor about these standards. If he/she isn’t familiar with them, ask him for a referral to a doctor who is familiar with assisting transgender clients.

Can you really choose to ignore who you truly are to attempt to preserve life as you know it? Even if you can, what is the price you pay to do so? I strongly recommend that you educate yourself and become an expert on this subject before taking any action. Coming to terms with your gender identity is likely to be a long-term process of exploration and discovery. Take your time; look at your options. Whatever you do will have a strong affect on your family life. Before you talk with your wife about this, get clear yourself on what you want to do.

You are not alone. Many people are in (and have been in) your situation. For many people, this is not an immediate goal, but often becomes a long-range goal. Some of my clients have chosen this path; others have found other ways to express their true nature. There is no one right way to do it; each person needs to discover her/his own way. It is a challenging path, but there is assistance, information and support all along the way.

Suggested reading for you: Jennifer Finney Boylan’s She’s Not There, Jan Morris’ Conundrum, Chloe Roundsley and Mildred Brown’s True Selves, Kate Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, Deidre McCloskey’s Crossings: A Memoir and Cynthia Eller’s Am I A Woman? A Skeptic’s Guide to Gender.

Some Internet resources to start with: The Transgender Forum www.tgforum.com, Lynn Conway’s Web site is full of basic information about transgender, transsexual and intersex issues (www.lynnconway.com). And www.abgender.com bills itself as “America’s Most Popular Transgender Resource & Shopping Directory.” There is also the Straight Spouse Network, www.ssnetwk.org.