I am always looking for a way to make a buck. If you go around anywhere, you see shingles in front of a building, like a dentist’s office, attorney’s office and palmist’s shop. So I thought I might be able to make a few greenbacks if I put up a shingle in front of my house.

I refurnished my front room and made it into an office. But I had to find some office furniture, so I drove around and found cool stuff that people had left in the alley – a couple of chairs, an old, gray manual typewriter and a pink princess phone just like my sister had back in the swinging ’60s. I made my desk out of empty wine wood crates, and some file cabinets out of old wine cardboard boxes. For art, I drove behind a liquor store and found some discarded beer and liquor posters, which I taped to the walls.

I took a large piece of cardboard and wrote, big and bold in black felt pen, WINE CONSULTANT, and hung it off the front porch. And I waited… and waited.

Finally, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there he was, wearing a beautiful blue Italian suit with a red silk tie. I recognized him immediately, with his funny yellow hat, cone-like nose and giant, white, balloon-like head with a smiley face painted on it.

I shook his hand and, just like in the commercials, he spoke but his mouth didn’t move: “Hi, I’m J—-.”

I was awestruck – the fast-food giant in my office? I have downed tons of his burgers and fries, and I have the waistline to prove it.

He sat down and got right to the point: “Wine guy, I was thinking of adding wine to our value-meal menu so our customers can have a little wine with their burgers and fries as they go through our drive-thru. I know that wine can get to be pretty expensive, but I would like to sell it for under $10 a bottle. Do you have any suggestions?”

He laid 10 crisp Ben Franklins on my desk. My eyes almost popped out of my head. I cleared my throat and spoke.

I explained to him that as far as wines made in the good ol’ U.S.A., there are some good producers like Hahn, Castle Rock and Cartlidge & Browne. Other wineries making wine with above-average results in the price category are Blackstone and Pepperwood Grove.

The best domestic producer under $10 is Hahn, I told him. From the Monterey area, Hahn also makes the excellent cabernet sauvignon Smith & Hook, which is priced in the mid-$20 range. The line of Hahn wines are solid throughout all varietals, from chardonnay and merlot to cabernet sauvignon and syrah. They also make a wonderful pinot noir and meritage, which are priced in the mid-teens.

Hahn also has a second line, called HRM Rex Goliath, which are good, fun wines for around $6.99. Cartlidge & Browne and Castle Rock are very similar; they make all the major varietals that Hahn does, plus sauvignon blanc and zinfandel. The key to their success is that they buy good excess juice from major Napa and Sonoma wineries and bottle it at a good price.

Although Blackstone and Pepperwood Grove are not quite at the quality level of Hahn or Castle Rock, they do each make a good wine – Blackstone makes an excellent merlot and Pepperwood Grove makes a fun viognier.

It is quite a mine field in South America, I told him. There is a lot of bad wine out there. But there are some very good wines from Chile, such as Los Vascos cabernet and chardonnay, Santa Rita reserve wines and Concha y Toro Casillero del Diablo wines. From Argentina, Gascon and Bodega Norton are fine.

In Italy, most good chiantis are now above the $10 range. But in Sicily, there is some great nero d’avola and syrah being produced by Cusmano. In northern Italy, Cavit is still a solid winery, I said.

“In France –” J— stopped me, lifting his arms in surrender.

“I’m not going to have a hundred wines on my value wine list,” he said. “But thanks.” With that, he magically whipped out a burger, fries and a Coke for me and left.

As he exited my office, I looked outside the window and saw a line outside my door consisting of a bad circus clown, some sort of king and a six-foot tall yellow star with a smiley face. I opened the door and said, “Next.”