Dear Confused:

I can appreciate your concern about your former friend, but the bottom line is that it isn’t your problem. If you are content and can easily live without him, why is it your problem? It appears that you have a problem with his unhappiness, and you have an inability to let go of him. From your e-mail, you still feel some responsibility for him and it’s hard for you to let him be as unhappy as he is. This, my friend, is the essence of codependence, that often-used (and misused) word. Codependent people are overly responsible (sound familiar?) and unable to let go of people. You said that you can’t get him to move on with his life, but this is not within your control. You can only move on with your life.

You don’t have any control over what he does. If he is harassing you, that’s different. You can talk with a lawyer and get a temporary restraining order if that’s appropriate. If he’s slandering you, you can also consider legal action. But if he’s doing neither of these things and is simply a very unhappy person, then only someone codependent is going to try to fix him. Instead of focusing on him and all of his problems, take a deeper look at yourself: Is this a pattern for you? Have you always been like this, hyper-responsible for others? (e.g., “I feel like I’m literally killing him”). If so, focus on yourself. Melody Beatty’s book Codependent No More is a good start, and there are meetings for people who are working on becoming less codependent (CODA meetings). Call (619) 222-1244 for meeting locations and times.

Dear Not:

I am getting quite a few questions about sex parties. So I have consulted some my “experts” in this area and have the following advice for you:

Party tip #1: Sex parties are not about being nice. Sex parties are about having sex. Perhaps you confused a sex party with a social-gathering kind of party. It is possible that being nice or friendly to someone at a sex party gives the impression that you’re interested in them. Instead of nice, aim for neutral and you should stay out of trouble (or get into trouble with someone you’re hot for).

Party tip #2: At a sex party, everyone is fair game and no one is a mind-reader. Simply ignore people you’re not interested in. If they touch you, take their hand off your body, calmly say “no thanks” and walk away. No muss, no fuss, no attitude. And if you approach someone and they take your hand off their body, don’t take it personally. Move on and have fun with someone else.

Party tip #3: No matter what your HIV status is, please use condoms if you’re having anal sex. No one is perfect, even your faithful columnist, but stay healthy and help your brothers stay healthy too. Contrary to some of my professional colleagues, I think sex parties, bathhouses and sex clubs are OK; guys go to these places to have sex. Having sex is a normal, healthy thing. Got it? The only problem is what I call unhealthy sex, e.g., sex that leaves you feeling mentally or physically in bad shape. Most addictive sex is mentally unhealthy, empty and meaningless, and unsafe sex (e.g. barebacking) often leaves us physically unhealthy (one person seroconverts, an HIV-positive person contracts another strain of the virus, etc.). So enjoy yourself and have mentally and physically healthy sex.