Gaywatch

by Tim Parks

It was only six months ago that I was decrying the drought of gay and lesbian representations on the small screen – there were only five new characters slated for the fall ’05 season. In doing my homework for a fall TV feature, it didn’t even seem that the usual suspects, like “Survivor,” had any gay tribe members. In my defense, I only had to go on what the CBS Web site said about each respective Survivor… who knew Rafe was gay – he reads Sports Illustrated! Holy bucking-the-stereotype, Batman!

Now we fast-forward to January 2006, and it seems that TV is getting a whole lot gayer! There are three different mid-season shows with a gay character (all of them male – sorry, Sapphic sisters), and while that doesn’t constitute a cheer of “we’re here, we’re queer,” it’s better than nothing, I suppose.

Plus, there have been nuggets of gay-laced moments. On a recent episode of “My Name Is Earl,” guest star Jon Favreau winds up in prison at episode’s end, sporting a cup that says World’s Best Bottom. Is television exhibiting a gay agenda?

Along with these new shows making their debuts, there are also some returning favorites that have gay appeal written all over them. Consider me your tour guide of sorts, as we navigate the treacherous terrain known as the mid-season replacement – and beyond.

ABC is gaying it up, providing two of the three shows with a new gay character; and it certainly didn’t shy away from a little man-on-man lip-lock on “Desperate Housewives” earlier this month, when Bree’s son, Andrew, macked on Justin. Remember when this was taboo 12 years ago on “Melrose Place”?

“Emily’s Reasons Why Not” stars Heather Graham as (duh) Emily. Looks like ABC is pulling the plug on Heather & Co., as they have halted production on the show and may just scrap the remaining five episodes – ouch! There’s one less gay character on the television landscape, but Emily’s gay best friend, Josh (played by Khary Payton), wasn’t breaking down any stereotypes, unless they were made out of Styrofoam. Apparently the show’s homage to (or blatant rip off of) “Sex & The City” wasn’t pulling in the ratings after only one show. That television biz, it’s a hard medium. Or, as The New York Times put it so eloquently, “Graham is about as engaging as rock salt.” I didn’t realize there was that short of a shelf life for rock salt!

The best of the bunch, so far, comes to us in the guise of “Crumbs.” Fred Savage returns to television playing a muted gay, i.e. he’s still not out to his whacked-out family, who are dysfunctional at best. The show co-stars Jane Curtin as his mother (who is hilarious) and William Devane as his father. Out of all the former “Wonder Years” actors who could have played gay, my vote would have been for Kevin Arnold’s nerdy friend, Paul (Josh Saviano) – he always had a certain F.F.A. (Future Fag of America) quality about him.

By far, the show drawing the most controversy is NBC’s “The Book of Daniel,” with its depiction of a pill-popping priest (Aidan Quinn) whose sidekick is the Big JC (as in Jesus Christ). Quinn also has a gay son, portrayed by Trick’s Christian Campbell, a drug dealing daughter and an always-on-the-make adopted Asian son. The show has a quasi-“Six Feet Under” feel to it.

“Four Kings” is a new “comedy” from the creators of “Will & Grace.” That being said, I expected a lot more from this show and got nothing in return, save for one small laugh at the expense of Seth Green’s diminutive stature. Maybe they should retool it, have one of the characters come out as gay, and call the show “Three Kings and a Queen”? At this point, nothing could hurt.

Over on the UPN, there’s the dudsy, I mean sudsy drama “South Beach,” starring Vanessa Williams and executive produced by Jennifer Lopez. Better book your ticket soon; the show debuted to J Lo ratings.

Everyone’s favorite heiress, known more for her family name than for her acting ability, is making a “triumphant return” to series television playing a fictionalized version of herself! No, it’s not Paris Hilton. It’s none other than Tori Spelling in “So Notorious” – I don’t get it! Loni Anderson is on board to play her mother, and the show will be debuting on VH-1 on April 2, since NBC, its original home, decided to pass on the show.

Two favorite sitcom leading ladies, Jenna Elfman (“Dharma & Greg”) and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (“Seinfeld”), are getting their chance to skate past television obscurity on CBS with “Courting Alex” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine,” respectively.

Speaking of skating, FOX is proud to jump on another bandwagon with “Skating with Celebrities.” Such luminaries as Dave Coulier (“Full House”), Todd Bridges (“Diff’rent Strokes”) and the incomparable Debbie – sorry, Deborah Gibson team up with skating stars like Nancy Kerrigan.

Note to producers of this show, “Dancing with the Stars” and “Celebrity Fit Club”: Grab a dictionary and take a gander at the definition for both “celebrity” and “star.” Do you really think either applies to your respective shows? The very least you could do is put star and celebrities in quotes, ’cause I don’t think you’re going to be seeing Renee Zellweger learning the foxtrot anytime soon. What’s next, “Hopscotch with the Has-Beens”?

This brings us to “Dancing with the Stars,” back for another season of razzle-dazzle and big ratings. Still, the best reason to watch the new season is to see if Lisa Rinna falls flat on her face. And if she does, at least she has those ginormous lips to act as an air bag!

“Celebrity Fat – err, Fit Club” lost its best reason to watch, as Jeff Conaway is being replaced by Gunnar Nelson. In a major freak-out moment, Conaway told the show’s panel to “stick the show up your asses!” That’s a tall order, considering that the collective weight of the contestants is 964 pounds. The pilled-up Conaway said, or rather slurred, that he didn’t need the show, because he was on “Taxi” and in Grease – hey, in 1978, I was in the third grade, and you don’t see me hanging on to that! But another reason to keep tuning in is that there are three gay people on this show. Show your support for Chastity Bono (she must have eaten Elijah Blue! We haven’t heard much about him lately), Bruce Vilanch (I think he could be considered a project for the “Extreme Home Makeover” team) and the show’s host, comedian Ant.

“The Real Housewives of Orange County” has been likened to a “real life, unscripted version of the popular ABC show.” Ooh, Bravo better step off, they’re treading into FOX’s territory.

“Survivor: Panama-Exile Island” comes back after a long hiatus (the last incarnation only ended in December!) on Feb. 2. The “American Idol” machine began its brand of star-making earlier this month, and all of the usual suspects are intact, including Simon with her big bag of bitchery.

A reality show of a different sort, of the animated variety, will begin airing more episodes of its second season starting Jan. 25. “Drawn Together” gets away with, well, just about anything they do on the show. It’s raunchier than Colin Farrell on date night, and even features a gay character, Xandir.

The cast for the sixth season of “The Surreal Life” has been announced, though no firm air date has been set. I will rank them in order of social relevance. Oh, who am I kidding? Sherman Hemsley (“The Jeffersons”), ’80s video vixen Tawny Kitaen, C.C. Deville of Poison, Playboy TV’s Andrea Lowell and Alexis Arquette as The Beaver. Look for Brady mom Flo Henderson to act as an on-call therapist/consultant. Bet she’ll be racking up a lot of screen time. Former “Lifer” Janice Dickinson is coming to the Oxygen network in “The Janice Dickinson Project” sometime this spring. I wonder if Mrs. Brady will be making house calls to her set.

“The L Word” is back for a third season on Showtime, with Alan Cumming joining the cast. Wait a minute, he’s a dude! “Prison Break” is coming back. I repeat: “Prison Break” is coming back on March 20.

The fate of “gay” shows ultimately comes down to the age-old argument of quality versus quantity. So only time, ratings and fickle thumbs poised on American remotes will tell. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.