Total Twink Fixation

Dear TTF:

Your e-mail doesn’t give me much history to work with here, so let’s look at several possibilities for your obsession with “unsuitable” men, in this case, being hooked on “twinks.”

Real intimacy is scary. While we all think we should want it, it’s a lot of work. It forces us to look at ourselves and see our dark side. One way to avoid real intimacy and all the work it requires is by choosing unsuitable guys. You say you want a long-term relationship, but don’t say if you’ve ever had one. Maybe you’re split down the middle: One part of you likes to keep it light and sex-based, and the other part of you wants more. Is there a tug-of-war going on in your brain?

And what about finding men your age undesirable? Let’s be clear: Ageism is a form of self-hatred. Ageism is an easy belief system to buy into; most of us don’t give it a second thought. Gay and straight media alike push youth to sell us stuff, and it’s usually in the form of white, hairless, slim but defined, perfect-looking young men with no fat, no wrinkles and no maturity. These images are designed to sell us products that we think we need to stay young and desirable. While these “twink” models may be beautiful fantasy objects, with rare exceptions they’re not good potential partners for men your age.

Why not? Well, let’s talk psychology. Psychologically, someone 21-27 is in a very different place than someone your age. In general, this developmental stage is more about experimentation, finding yourself, having fun, getting laid, discovering who you are, what you like and beginning to spec out a future path for yourself. This isn’t what a man your age is about (is it?). As we approach the end of our 30s, most of us are looking for something more meaningful. We’ve done the bars, the clubs, the alleys(!), and we want more. We want to connect with another man and see if we can create a good life together. From my work as a psychotherapist, this is what most of my clients approaching 40 are after: a good healthy relationship between two men where each helps the other to become the man he wants to be. This is about maturity, my friend, and young guys (usually) aren’t there developmentally, emotionally or spiritually.

For some men, being with much younger men is about control. It is an extreme reaction to an earlier time in their life when they felt out of control (and probably were). These men may feel they can play the “older, wiser” man who may want to help or even mentor a younger guy. But are there strings attached? You betcha! Usually the strings are about feeling in control of the relationship and not threatened or challenged by your younger partner. Someone your own age may scare the shit out of you because they’re playing the game at your level (or above). Picking much younger men is one way to avoid acting your age. It lets you avoid having a partner who challenges you to be the mature man you can be, and will call you on your shit and kick your ass when it needs kicked.

Some of my clients say that they like the youthful bodies of young men: smooth, sleek, slim, with perfect skin. Well, honestly, who wouldn’t like to look like that? But few of us have ever possessed the look of Bel Ami perfection. And if we did, we can’t hold onto it, no matter how much plastic surgery or personal training we buy. What about the beauty of 30-year-old men, 40-year-old men, even 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men? And let’s be real about the ageism in our community: It exists. It sells underwear, skin supplies, magazines, porn, and destroys self-esteem. It encourages you to live out that old stereotype: “Live fast, die young and leave a great-looking corpse.” Didn’t AIDS teach us how to move beyond that kind of limited thinking?