Condom Hater

Dear CH:

I validate your frustration: It is a drag. Everything you complained about is true. So, what to do? From what we know, using condoms is the best way to stay HIV-negative, short of abstinence. So how can you make using them as pleasant as possible? From my own personal and professional research, following are some options to consider.

First of all, be willing to make peace with condoms. If you see them as the enemy, using them will be a real drag for you. Aim for neutrality. They exist to help keep you HIV-negative. They perform a valuable function; they’re not there to make your life miserable. I know this sounds simplistic, but a shift in consciousness can make the whole condom thing a whole lot easier. You know how older people sometimes freak out when they have to learn computers, and they just hate the computers and curse them? And how young people just don’t get what the big deal is? Why do these elders resist the computers so much when the computers can make their lives so much easier once they learn how to use them? Well, condoms are like computers: You can resist using them or you can make peace with them and let them make your sex life healthier.

I have heard a lot of good things about gay men using the female condom: The top guy basically fucks it into place and then you, Mr. Top, can really enjoy yourself and let it rip. It is reportedly very pleasurable for both the top and bottom.

Have you experimented with condoms, especially when jacking off alone? Don’t just use condoms when you’re fucking, practice with them when you’re masturbating. Get used to the feel of different ones. Once you jerk off with them a few times, it’s a lot easier to use them when you’re fucking. You’re more familiar with them, and you know the ones you like and how to use them to best pleasure yourself. Try different lube/condom combinations. The object is to get very familiar with condoms and lube, letting them become part of your pleasure, not an obstacle to it.

Some clients have asked their doctors for meds like Viagra or Cialis to help them keep their erection while putting on and wearing condoms. Talk with your health care provider about this possibility.

At present, there appears to be no other way to avoid seroconversion but abstinence and using condoms. So if you want to stay HIV-negative, make peace with them. Or don’t, and accept that your likelihood of seroconverting is high and that, over time, the odds are against you.

Part of the problem with condoms is that people hate them and are attached to hating them. This, unfortunately, will get you nowhere. Rather than seeing them as the enemy, see them as saving your life and not as taking away your boner.

Many of my clients report it’s harder to keep an erection with a condom. They see putting on a condom as an interruption of good sex, and then it becomes just that: a frustrating interruption. Men who successfully use condoms have made them a part of their sex routine. They make sure that they have their favorite condoms conveniently with them at all times. After all, you never know when and where good sex may present itself. These guys have also experimented with lube and found one(s) they like, and sometimes ask their partner to put the condom on for them. This can be both playful and erotic. Use your creativity. We are gay men, after all.