Because cultural messages are pervasive and reinforcing, no one escapes absorbing negative messages about homosexuality. Our families of origin (the funnel for society’s beliefs), the government, schools, religion and the media planted these ideas. As a result, at one time we unquestioningly accepted these messages as true. To this day, our culture continually reinforces them, and we always have to be on guard for internalized homophobia.

Nonetheless, many of us don’t see our own homophobia. You may believe that you have dealt with negative feelings about being gay, lesbian or bisexual and have no bad feelings toward yourself or other people in the community. But even people who have been out for years, dealt with a lot of issues and spent a major portion of their lives on personal growth are not immune to internalized homophobia.

When you have an unconscious lack of acceptance of any aspect of yourself, it leads to threats to your ego (well-being). Unclaimed homophobia leads to shame, low self-esteem and barriers to intimacy. Conversely, accepting previously disowned parts of yourself releases the energy that you were once using to keep the threats at bay. Once this energy is freed up, you can use it to feel better about yourself and reduce shameful feelings.

Because internalized homophobia can be out of your awareness, you need to look for signs. For example, some people are out except at work. When job risk isn’t an issue, many people rationalize the reasons for their own homophobia by saying, “What I do in bed isn’t my co-workers’ business.” What you do sexually is indeed nobody’s business, but having a relationship is not related to what you do in bed. Furthermore, if you feel the need to cover up where you went or who you were with during weekends, that is another sign.

Other work-related signs of internalized homophobia include not placing your spouse’s photo on your desk or bringing an opposite-sex “date” to work-related events. If you don’t think it would jeopardize your job, you should look inside to discover if the reason is shame about being GLB.

Some signs are found in interactions with your family of origin. Accepting treatment from your family that denigrates your relationship can be a sign. How would you react to a family member who fails to invite your spouse to a wedding or graduation? The result of going to these occasions without your spouse is devaluing your current family.

Some gay men believe that it’s hard to find a relationship because they believe all gay men are promiscuous. The truth about promiscuity is that there’s a part of the gay male community and a part of the heterosexual community that is promiscuous. The belief that gay men can’t have intimacy indicates internalized homophobia.

Likewise, some people talk about drag queens “ruining it for us” in Pride parades because the mainstream media focuses on them, and they fear that the general community will then think that we all cross dress (and therefore reject us), etc. Just like buying into their family of origin’s ideas of what is acceptable, these individuals have unconsciously bought into society’s expectations of what constitutes proper behavior.

Change occurs when you accept your own internalized homophobia. It’s more difficult to change when you resist the idea that you could be homophobic or that you shouldn’t feel that way. So the first place to begin is to admit it to yourself.

Come out or continue to reveal your sexual orientation to individuals who are unaware you are G, L or B. Don’t let strangers get away with assuming you are heterosexual, even if it creates an uncomfortable moment. Read books and articles on coming out and self-acceptance.

Connect with other LGB people on a deeper emotional level. By connecting, you can learn to view each person as an individual instead of lumping people into groups, which in turn can help you reduce judgments. One way to learn to directly connect to others is by going into group therapy with other LGB people. Since internalized homophobia is one reason for problems with intimacy, consider going to a group to help you develop intimate relationships with others.

During this period of self-discovery, be patient with yourself and don’t judge yourself for having internalized homophobia. Putting yourself down, wishing you were different or kicking yourself for being homophobic adds fuel to the fire. Instead, remember how far you’ve come – even if you are just now learning to accept yourself as L, G or B – and remind yourself of the courage it takes to be who you are.