Dear Michael:

Likes To Take It Slow

Dear Mr. Slow:

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and asking for it. Stay true to yourself and keep putting out what you want. Eventually, the universe will send it your way. Know that you are not alone in wanting romance, courtship and wooing. Many of my clients have expressed similar sentiments.

Let’s not believe that everyone in San Diego lives the sex-filled life of a porn star: sex with the mailman, sex with the next-door neighbor, sex with the UPS guy – and all before lunchtime! Most of us are searching for a combination of friendship, physical attraction and respect in a partner relationship. Great sex is great stuff, but it’s not the foundation for a long-term connection.

Having sex with a potential boyfriend right away usually comes from one of several motivations: (1) “I just want to have some fun,” (2) “I don’t know what I want” and/or (3) “If I don’t sleep with you right away, you probably won’t stick around to get to know me.”

Unfortunately, door number three is the one that many of us pick. It’s unfortunate because it’s often not what we really want, it’s what we settle for. It sounds like you’re not willing to settle for less. Good for you. It may take you longer to find a man who shares your commitment to romance, courtship and wooing than someone who just wants sex, but once you do, it’s more likely that he’ll be a keeper.

Some clients, particularly younger men, have asked me, “What exactly is courtship or wooing?” According to author Ellen Gilchrist, “the way to woo someone is to give him (or her) what he needs before he knows he needs it, or to give him what he needs before he asks.” Gilchrist tells of a woman who fell in love with a man because he bought her a clothes dryer and had it delivered to her house. The woman was struggling financially and had to take her clothes to a Laundromat to dry them. Her lover saw a need and filled it. That’s romance, baby! Talking about love is easy, but romantic actions – like Mr. Dryer Man’s – speak volumes.

Being wooed isn’t the same as being seduced into sex. It’s not about being tricked or used. It may not last forever, but it changes you. Talk about a way to boost your self-esteem! Being wooed makes us feel special, appreciated – really heard, seen and appreciated. Who wouldn’t want that?

So how do we get it? By giving it. If we’re all waiting for someone else to woo us, nothing’s gonna happen. It’s not about money, either. A seashell wrapped up in tissue paper with a love note may carry more romantic power than a big box from Neiman-Marcus. When someone tells us he thinks about us all day, when he leaves us funny phone messages or shows up unexpectedly with a sweet little plant from Home Depot, we know that we are appreciated.

Courtship is about getting to know each other. Sex is about sexual release. The two overlap, but, unlike quick sex, courtship is about the gradual buildup of sexual desire and interest. You don’t read much about this, but let’s be real: A certain amount of sexual frustration is good for you! And no moaning from you Internet sex addicts. Have you noticed how empty you feel after instant sexual gratification? You had no time to develop interest in the person – no courting, no wooing – you hooked it, did it and moved on. This quantity approach to love leaves you feeling empty. There’s something missing. Romance, courtship and wooing may be old-fashioned words, but we’re really talking about satisfaction, depth and meaning. Meaningless sex won’t take you there.

Many of us are afraid to woo someone because we may feel we will be taken advantage of, laughed at, mocked or ignored. Well, folks, if you don’t take a chance, nothing much is likely to happen. Courtship is pro-active. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen to you. Why don’t you start to court someone else? If they don’t return your affection, consider it practice. Eventually, you’ll woo someone who finds you adorable and terrific. And believe me, you’ll be glad that you had all that practice!