Dear Michael:

I’ve been out for over 10 years and I’ve yet to find my niche here in San Diego. I just don’t feel I belong anywhere, and I often question whether I’m a gay man or a man from Mars. I’m too earthy for the A-list crowd, too polished for the bear crowd and too deep for the pretty boys. It just goes on and on, and as a man in my mid-30s, I’m beginning to feel bitter. Between my full-time job and my extracurricular activities, I’m drained. But when I venture out into the gay world, I feel completely out of my element. So much so that my anxiety kicks in and I immediately withdraw. I wistfully look at the ads in the Gay & Lesbian Times and I begin to think that it’s all a farce. That it’s all very classist. That only certain gay men achieve that elusive gay happiness. I am proud of my humble accomplishments, but I’m not terribly pleased with my feelings toward the gay community. I feel like an outcast. Please help me sort some of this out.

Confused and Restless in San Diego

Dear C&R:

You’re looking for a place where you fit in, rather than focusing on your own internal sense of security and happiness. As a man in your mid-30s, it’s not surprising that you’re re-examining your value system and the world around you. This is a positive step, although a painful one. You can’t find the right crowd, the right bar or that “elusive gay happiness.”

It sounds like you’re focusing too much on the outside (your environment) and not enough on the inside (your own inner emotional world). You may be trying to fit yourself into some stereotype (e.g., A-list, bears, pretty boys) that isn’t really you, and you’re frustrated. Who wouldn’t be?

In our 20s and early 30s, our primary developmental task is to explore the world and try a lot of different things; to see what different environments, cliques, bars, clubs or magazines have to offer and determine where we do (or don’t) fit in. You’ve been doing just that, up until now. By our mid- to late-30s, most men and women turn within and focus on exploring their internal world of thoughts, emotions, old belief systems, family or origin issues, unresolved stuff from the past, etc. Don’t you feel better knowing that you’re right on track?

It’s not easy to shift from an external reference point to an internal one. I recommend F. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, which focuses largely on this very phenomenon. It’s hard to be true to yourself when, all around you, the media encourages you to be someone else – someone hipper, younger-looking or more club-oriented.

You’re on the money when you talk about the ideal image as a “farce” and “very classist.” From my observation, this ideal image is some version of a Ralph Lauren/Calvin Klein fantasy populated by idealized (and heavily Photoshopped) guys who are predominantly young, white, upper class, 6’2” and blond-haired, with perfect bone structure and teeth, washboard abs, a chic weekend house in Palm Springs – you get the picture. This designer heaven/hell is not real. These are images designed to make us think, “Well, I feel ugly and lonely now, but maybe if I buy (name of product), I’ll feel better about myself.” It plays on our isolation and insecurities.

Market research shows that more secure men and women don’t buy as many consumer goods as insecure ones. I’ve also observed that more secure LGBT folks are more likely to give money to charitable causes than spend it on a designer wardrobes, a piece of furniture or a $250 skincare regimen. Nothing wrong with that stuff, mind you, but what is the motivation behind buying it? If it’s desperation (“I’m not good enough as I am”), then you’re in trouble. If it’s pleasure (“Oh, why not get that new jacket – I have the money and I like how I look in it”), then that’s another story.

The niche you seek is internal, not external. Ironically, once you begin to find your inner niche, the external niche(s) you’ve been searching for will fall into place. You’ll attract like-minded people because you’re clear about who you are and what matters to you. Your own values and priorities (“I am proud of my humble accomplishments”) become your inner directional system, and you won’t need to try to fit in with the A-gays, bears or pretty boys anymore. By just being who you really are, you can turn the tables and allow like-minded people to be attracted to you. Try it and e-mail me again to let me know how it goes.