Dear Michael:

Every year at this time I feel like crap as Father’s Day comes around. My dad has treated me like dirt my whole life, and since he’s still alive, he and the rest of my family expect me to honor him and be grateful to him – especially on Father’s Day. I just can’t do it. My dad left my mom when I was little and took my older brother with him, but left me and my sister with my Mom. We really had to struggle, and he never was around to bail us out, help with food or give us any love or affection. I feel really bad when my friends tell me about their great dads and how they’re taking them to lunch at Hotel Del on Father’s Day. I don’t even speak to my dad and haven‘t for several years now. How can I let go of all this sadness and resentment? I feel really stuck.

Dad’s a Dud

Dear DAD:

Many of my clients feel lousy when these “Hallmark card” holidays come around. These holidays inevitably make those of us whose families don’t fit the “happy” image feel like crap. In reality, I bet there are more families in this country that don’t fit the happy image than do, so please keep that in mind. Since the main purpose of these holidays life beyond therapy

Start off by telling yourself the truth about your dad, who he is (or was) and how you feel about him. Lying to yourself or your friends (trying to make him appear better than he is/was) will only make you feel worse. If friends ask you, as they usually do, what you’re doing with your dad on Father’s Day, consider telling them some version of “My Dad wasn’t the greatest dad and we’re not really close,” and leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your dad or how you feel about him. Honor yourself and the privacy of your beliefs and feelings.

You ask what to do with your feelings of “sadness and resentment.” Resentment is a form of anger. Be clear about it: You’re angry at your dad and it sounds like you have plenty of reasons to feel that way. Usually, the way out of anger is to go through it. You can’t really run away from it or deny it; it just follows you unless you face it and deal with it. Either alone or with a good friend or therapist, sit down and remember the reasons why you feel anger toward your dad. I’m not recommending that you let yourself drown in resentment, but you should deal with it. You’ll feel a lot less crazy when you see that you have legitimate reasons for your feelings; that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for your emotions, and that any normal, healthy person would be angry if they went through what you did. This is called “normalization” by us therapist types. It helps people realize they’re sane and their emotions are legitimate.

For most people, if you look “under” your anger you’re likely to find sadness. Sadness comes from disappointment, being hurt, let down, treated poorly, etc. It sounds like your dad gave you plenty of reasons to feel sad. Again, tell yourself the truth about it. Let yourself feel your sadness and even cry a bit when you let those emotions come up. Allowing yourself to feel sadness usually helps it pass more quickly. Denying it or pushing it down, e.g., telling your friends, “I’m fine, really, don’t worry about me,” is likely to make you feel worse. Saying, “I’m sad at this time of year because my father isn’t someone I have a good relationship with” is enough for them to know so that they’ll understand you.

Lots of people may tell you, “Oh, just get over it and forgive him and move on.” If this were something we could easily do, then all of us would be mentally healthy all the time, and I’d have to get a new job (maybe a gardener, I think). It doesn’t work like that. We can’t really forgive until we work through our old wounds and emotions. Otherwise, it’s like putting whipped cream on a piece of dog poop (as a client of mine recently told me – she’s very visual). It looks nice on the outside, but underneath it’s still crap.