Dear Michael:

I feel like a freak: I am single and I sorta like it. You know, hanging out with my friends and doing whatever I want to whenever I want. But sometimes I hate it. I feel lonely, get tired of sleeping alone, no one to hug or kiss. I’m 29, gay, nice-looking and a “normal” guy. Why am I still single? What am I doing wrong? I hate being single. I wish I could just find some nice guy and settle down and get it over with. It seems like this town is set up for couples and definitely not for us single guys. Is there something wrong with me? How come I can’t find my soul mate like everybody else?

Being single sucks

Dear BSS:

Whether you’re single or coupled, I suggest you examine the “soul mate” idea that one person can satisfy all your emotional needs. That’s like putting all your money into one stock and hoping it’s not Enron. I did some research on the demographics of single and coupled (or “married”) people, and according to Bella Depaulo’s book Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, most of us will spend more of our adult lives single than married. Social historian Stephanie Coontz says: “Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible. It has its own rewards. Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore. For most people, it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.”

In a recent issue of Psychology Today, writer Jillian Straus sees a societal trend toward singlehood becoming a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-filled way station. Think Carrie Bradshaw and Co. on “Sex and the City” and those guys on “Queer As Folk.” Married life is not the answer to your loneliness and insecurity. If you hold onto this illusion, even with Mr. Right, you’ll be hugely disappointed (and likely to blame him for your unhappiness).

So let’s take a good look at why you think being single sucks so much. Some people would rather be in a lousy relationship than be alone. Is this you? Why would anyone choose this? Many people are terrified to be alone. They haven’t made peace with themselves, they may not even like their own company, and rather than look at themselves and work on their own happiness they prefer the seemingly “quick” fix of their perfect Mr. Soulmate.

Personally, I don’t believe in the idea of one perfect soul mate. After all the clients I’ve worked with over the years, I cannot buy it.

Realistically, what are the odds that there is only one person here on Earth for you? The likelihood that you would never meet that person is so high I can’t even calculate it. Soulmate, schmoulmate. What we are all looking for is someone we can live with, love, learn from, give and receive support from (emotionally, spiritually, maybe financially), and enjoy being with. Will we have bad times, nasty times, ugly times with our beloved? Undoubtedly. It’s part of the deal.

Look at it this way: If the perfect man exists out there, would he want to date you? No offense, but isn’t he more likely to look for someone equally perfect? Us regular folk need to love other regular folks, flaws and all.

You can be single and satisfied being on your own. But it sounds like you’re not (yet) there. So here are some suggestions for your happiness as a single person (until you find your future husband). Live in the present moment; don’t wait for the future to enjoy yourself. Travel now, buy a home now (if you can afford it) and pursue your passions now. Start to enjoy your own company. Make peace with that man in the mirror. Take it a step at a time. Go to a movie alone, or do something on your own that normally makes you uncomfortable. Don’t pick up the phone to call someone every time you feel a little lonely. Start to get used to containing your emotions (as we therapists say) and become less dependent on others for your emotional fulfillment. No partner can fulfill you emotionally either, so this is good practice for marriage! Hopefully, some day you will settle down with a great guy. But please don’t put your happiness on hold until he shows up!