Directed by Bryan Singer

Written by Michael Dougherty, Dan Harris and Bryan Singer

Featuring: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, James Marsden and Parker Posey

153 minutes in CinemaScope

With the identical opening-credit sequence from Superman parts one and two backed by John Williams’ familiar theme and a Christopher Reeve look-alike cast as the Man of Steel, Superman Returns was designed to vanquish parts three and four of the franchise and reposition itself as the “official” third installment. Welcome to Superman V.

It starts with an amusing in-joke: Noel Niell (Lois Lane from the ’50s TV series) appears as an ancient heiress on her deathbed playing Martha Raye to Lex Luthor’s (Kevin Spacey) Mark Harris. Just before the old bird kicks, Luthor has her sign over all her worldly possessions to him, thus revitalizing his criminal empire. Some kingdom – for all his resources and criminal genius, Lex builds a Lionel Train replica of Metropolis in his basement.

Growing up, Superman was always my go-to superhero. Here is a multi-functional powerhouse that could move objects a thousand times his weight, exist underwater and outrun a speeding bullet. Who needed Ant Man, Aquaman or the Flash? Of all the villains in the comic book pantheon, Lex Luthor is king. I spent hours marveling over artist Jack Kirby’s complicated panels, but Doctors Octopus and Doom were basically sideshow freaks. Lex didn’t possess any super powers other than a superior intellect and an eagerness to make everyone around him aware of his brilliance.

Gene Hackman wrote the book on Luthor in parts one and two, and as enjoyable as Spacey is, there is no comparison. Mr. Hackman remains one of Hollywood’s finest and should have been brought back to revise the role. Were he offered the part, chances are Hackman would have declined. After all, he refused to film any additional scenes for Superman II, but that had more to do with the way in which duplicitous producers the Salkind Brothers wanted to double-deal him.

Warner Bros. did manage to bring Brando back. Marlon sued when expository passages he shot for part one were used in the sequel. They were eventually cut after Brando received millions in a court case and re-filmed with Supermom Susannah York. The scene in which Jor-El imparts the history of Krypton to his son appears in Superman Returns. Reportedly budgeted at over $200 million, almost five times the cost of part one, the $5 million that the studio spent to finally use the Brando footage was chump change.

Prior to donning the trademarked red-and-blue costume, Brandon Routh was best known for a stint on “One Life to Live.” His Clark Kent continues to be a serial klutz, while his Superman becomes the Man of Oak. Stiff, charmless and non-emotive, the only thing he has going for him is an uncanny resemblance to Reeve. My advice to Mr. Routh is to steer clear of horses.

They had the perfect cast all along and didn’t even know it. Routh would have made a more convincing Mr. Lane and should have swapped roles with charismatic James Marsden. At least Routh looks the part.

While you will believe that a man can fly, nothing in Kate Bosworth’s performance as Lois Lane convinces viewers that she’s a crusading, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter. Parker Posey, who turns up as Spacey’s moll, is a much better choice, but by Hollywood’s standards an actress in her late 30s is already long in the tooth.

With Superman out of the picture for five years, Lois married James Marsden and gave birth to an asthmatic moppet named Jason. Lane is as unconvincing a mom as she is a newswoman. She totes the kid around like Joan Rivers’ prize Yorkie, even dragging him along to follow a suspicious and dangerous hunch.

You can feel the air brakes kicking in every time the kid comes on screen. Judging by Jason’s constant presence at the paper, every day at the Daily Planet must be “take your kid to work” day. He should be on the payroll. It gets worse. Could Jason be a love child conceived during the Fortress of Solitude tryst in S2? Will he pass the Kryptonite paternity test and spawn a series of AsthmaBoy sequels?

There are a couple of good reasons to see the movie. In the film’s most spectacular moment, Superman lands a plummeting, wingless airplane mid-game in a baseball stadium. A superfluous scene involving a rooftop gunman was devised solely to conclude with our hero stopping a speeding bullet with his eye.

Two great moments do not a movie make, and at a bulky 153 minutes, the film doesn’t know when to end. After lucking onto a great cast and script in The Usual Suspects, director Bryan Singer applied his minimal talents to enormous projects, most notably two juvenile X-Men films. Sadly, he was the logical choice to helm this latest visit from Smallville’s favorite son. Where is Joe Dante when we need him?

Superman II is not only the series’ finest, it’s the single greatest comic-book hero movie ever made. Not surprisingly, Singer is quick to slight director Richard Lester’s deft comic touches and romantic revision in favor of a turgid, overblown re-examination.

Directed by Gore Verbinski

Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio

Featuring: Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightley, Orlando Bloom and Bill Nighy

140 interminable minutes in CinemaScope

The only nice thing you’ll ever hear me say about experiencing this wretched excuse for entertainment is that the AMC Mission Valley has superb air conditioning.

Remember back in the ’70s when Hollywood ran out of ideas and started mounting unlistenable three-minute pop tunes as feature-length films? It was one thing for a movie to spawn a hit song, but Ode to Billie Joe, Take This Job and Shove It and The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia were all produced after the fact. Today, Hollywood turns to amusement park rides for narrative inspiration.

You thought Syriana was hard to follow? Pirates 2 is incomprehensible on every level. The entire free world seems to have seen the original, but not one person that I know had anything good, short of praising Johnny Depp’s performance, to say about the film itself. This time, it’s more of the same minus a few minutes and the addition of Depp as a willing contributor to the overall awfulness.

At least in part one Depp seemed to go against the comedic grain of the rest of the film. Here, he simply rolls with the ham-fisted punches. His performance has more mincing, swishing and eye-rolling than a convention of Charles Nelson Reilly impersonators.

With all the latex monsters and computer-generated makeup on board, this feels more like “Das Star Wars Boot” than a swashbuckling romp. It’s another stupefying, effects-driven thrill ride that left me with one question: Who is this film geared for? Small children are likely to be traumatized by a lot of the visuals, and adults are likely to be bored beyond belief by the lack of a coherent storyline. That leaves Hollywood’s favorite targets with disposable income: teenage boys.

Money can’t buy imagination, and director Gore Verbinski is so skilled at torturing an audience that he should seek employment at Abu Ghraib. Pirates 2 is a sickening example of everything that’s wrong with contemporary cinema. It’s hideously designed, awkwardly paced, structurally unsound, incompetently directed and weighed down with miles of egregious special-effects footage.

If you’re in the mood to be trapped in a big, ugly, unintelligible machine, here is your A-ticket to tedium. Send Hollywood a message by avoiding this as you would a vomit-dipped leper.

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Directed by George Bamber

Written by David Vernon

Featuring: Daniel Letterle, David Monahan, Dean Shelton and Meredith Baxter

88 minutes

Ethan Green begins and ends with a rather sweet opening-credit sequence positioned behind the door on a Mystery Date game board. Fork over any money to see this and you’re the one stuck with a “dud.”

There is a reason why the film opens on the game. It is the only backstory provided for our title character’s neurotic behavior. Flashback to an all-girl sleepover: When our hero draws the “dud,” the head yenta views it as an indication of things to come in Ethan’s sex life.

What remains are a series of flat, unfunny scenes depicting Ethan’s dating regimen. Most of the boys are cute, particularly apple-cheeked Dean Shelton, but there’s not enough eye candy in the world to justify even so much as a DVD rental of this stinker. For those interested, this is probably going to be your only chance to hear former TV mom Meredith Baxter (formerly Birney) work blue.

Even more objectionable are the thin, stereotypical depictions of gays. It’s one broad characterization after another. Two bears wearing muu muus and outrageous hats mark a high point. Did I mention that this is based on a comic strip? Goofus and Gallant have more artistic integrity.

A casual dialogue scene filmed during anal sex is as good as it gets. No grunting or outrageous behavior; it’s the only natural moment in an otherwise stilted nightmare.