Dear Michael:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now. At the beginning, the sex was great. Now it’s almost nonexistent, but we still love each other very much. A while back, we started having three-ways with other guys, and that was cool. But in the last few months, he told me he’s not into those anymore and he wants to have an open relationship where each of us does our own thing sexually. This isn’t my preference, but I went along with it (I’m not very assertive). Now he’s never home; when he’s not at work, he’s almost always out having sex. On weekends, he’s on the computer for three to four hours a day looking to hook up. He goes to bathhouses once or twice a week, too. It feels like our relationship is falling apart. Am I married to a sex addict?

Unloved and unlaid

Dear U&U:

Your letter mentions several problems: It’s hard for you to be assertive, your boyfriend’s having sex with other people and you aren’t thrilled about it, your relationship feels like it’s falling apart and you wonder if you’re married to a sex addict.

Does your man have a sex addiction? I define sex addiction as sexual behavior that habitually interferes with a person’s well-being. Any sexual activity that “runs” us can be an addiction. Does your boyfriend’s desire for sex interfere with the health of your relationship? It’s not sex outside of a relationship that is destructive, it’s why the person is having sex with (so many) other guys. It’s not the behavior so much as the motivation behind it. If the two of you are happy with your own non-overlapping sex lives, then great. But it sounds like you’re not.

With the easy availability of Internet sex (photos, videos, Web sites) and hook-up sites, many a gay guy has allowed himself to be tempted away from his main man. And, you may ask, why not? If you’re horny and alone, and your boyfriend’s asleep so early (again!) or at work, is there harm to getting off on the Internet?

Look at your motivation and the frequency of the behavior. If your boyfriend can’t ignore the desire for sex and feels like his dick is telling him what to do (and not vice versa), then he may have a sex addiction. Here are some questions to ask him:

1. Can you turn down sex or do you have it any time you can get it?

2. Do you spend large amounts of time looking for sex?

3. Do you need to have sex or is it a choice, e.g., can you take it or leave it?

4. Do you obsess about sex?

5. Do you panic when you think that you may not have sex today/tonight?

6. Do you put yourself at risk as a result of your sexual activities, e.g., having unsafe sex?

7. Does your sex life interfere with your job, our relationship or being with friends?

How do you approach your boyfriend if you think he has a sex addiction? Very gingerly. Imagine that your roles are reversed and he is confronting you with upsetting behavior. How would you like to be approached? What would turn you off or make you defensive? The same is probably true for him. If you are going to talk with him about your concerns, be honest, loving and respectful. Tell him your concerns about him, you and your relationship.

If your boyfriend is willing, he might consider groups and/or individual therapy to help him regain control of his sex life. He can Google “sex addiction” and choose from a lot of options, or he can call (619) 685-7211 to find out about local meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) or visit their Web site, www.slaa-san-diego.org. SLAA uses a 12-step model to help people who have sex addictions. Their meetings are free, and visitors or guests are not allowed.

You said it’s hard for you to be assertive. This is something you can work on in individual psychotherapy or with the help of a good book, like When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith (a classic in assertiveness training).

Whether your boyfriend has a sex addiction or not, find a way to talk with him about your sex life. Be assertive: Tell him what you would like. See if the two of you can find mutual satisfaction and keep your relationship from “falling apart” (your words). Whether you’re married to a sex addict or not, it sounds like your relationship needs a tune-up. Either talk it out yourself or get support from friends or a mental health professional. If your relationship is worth working for, now’s the time. Don’t be shy!

Submit your questions to San Diego

psychotherapist Michael Kimmel at editor@uptownpub.com. Link to his Web site at www.gaylesbiantimes.com.