I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “dyke,” specifically that those of us who call ourselves dykes are getting scarce these days.

I’m definitely a grumpy old dyke, and getting grumpier every day (according to my wife), but I personally know only one other woman who calls herself dyke. It seems like most homosexual women want to be called lesbian. I know I’ve heard it all my life: “I’m not a dyke! Dykes are wannabe men. I’m a lesbian.”

I understand that many lesbians cringe at the word dyke. It conjures up images of mannish women living on the fringes of society. And there is some truth to that. We dykes do stand out more in a crowd, and we attract more than our fair share of abuse from straights. And we tend to be marginalized because being able to pass for straight still gets you further ahead in this world.

But when I’m jogging down the street and some moron shouts “dyke!” at me from his passing car, he’s also saying I’m “strong, unladylike and not in need of any man.” Fine; guilty as charged.

To my ears, “dyke” sounds better than “lesbian.” I like dyke. It’s a short, sharp word that makes no apologies. It’s almost militant. It’s like a razor-wire fence between me and straight society. It may keep me out of the straight world, but it also separates me from a culture that spends a lot of energy working on my destruction.

The term lesbian, on the other hand, I hate. Not the women, just the word. The sound of it bothers me, as does the history of the word. Even the way the word is signed in American Sign Language irks me. (You make an “L” with your thumb and forefinger, and then hold it up like a “V” in front of your lips. Not too suggestive. And “gay” is no better. That is made by forming a “G” and tapping it twice against your chin, like you’re knocking to get in.)

Lesbian is such a vague word, full of soft consonants and long vowels. It has a buzzing “z” sound in the middle of it, and it is three syllables long so it takes forever to say. Plus, it sounds slightly sinister: “The lesbians crept forward under cover of darkness.” See what I mean?

And it’s a confusing word. Is it a noun or an adjective? “The lesbian bought two tickets to the lesbian concert.”

Since it is a word that refers to a place, do you capitalize it? “Are you German or Lesbian?”

And who made up the rule that homosexual men get to just be gay, while homosexual women are referred to by the name of a place? Guys get a simple, friendly little adjective – gay man, gay chorus, gay gym – that’s never even used as a noun (except by Kathy Griffin). But lesbians are supposed to pretend that we all sprang from the soil of the Isle of Lesbos – an exciting fantasy and a great idea for a movie, but not exactly accurate. (If it were true, then why did I have to grow up in Texas? Maybe only lesbians came from Lesbos, and the dykes came from everywhere else.)

The truth is that a woman named Sappho was born on Lesbos in 600 B.C. She was a famous poet and ran an all-girl school, where she was rumored to have inappropriate relationships with some of her students. (Sounds a bit like a “Law & Order SVU” episode, doesn’t it?) She was also married, and was known for her torrid affairs with famous men of the time. So lesbians are named after the birthplace of a bisexual poet with pedophilic tendencies who lived 2,600 years ago. I don’t get it. Lesbians are neither bisexual nor pedophiles, so why take on that identity?

Admit it: “dyke” is sounding better all the time.

What if homosexual men were named after some famous old queen, like Quentin Crisp? “I’m not gay, I’m a Crispian.” Would it create a divide? Would we have gay bars and Crispian bars?

If lesbians have to be linked to one person, does it have to be someone from a million years ago? Why not upgrade to someone more current? Someone more appropriate. Why not DeGeneristas, k.d. langians or Oprahnese?

I could even get behind an affiliation with Marga Gomez. We could be called “MGs.” Maybe Marga could do a tour of the country, like a general inspecting her troops. I might give up dyke for that.

Hold it. I just checked Marga’s blog. She calls herself a dyke. I guess if I want to be an MG, I’ll have to call myself a dyke too.