Dear Michael:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of eight years. I can’t believe I was with him that long – he has been so abusive for most of that time. He’s crazy, literally. I think he’s bipolar. He threatens me one day and then begs me to come back the next day. Recently, I saw him at Ralphs and he started yelling at me in front of everyone, making a scene. The problem is that he and I own some properties together and I can’t just cut him and his craziness out of my life. I know he wants to punish me for leaving him. How can I handle this “divorce” without going crazy myself?

Dealing with Mr. Crazy

Dear Dealing:

Everyone who breaks up has to deal with uncomfortable and/or difficult conversations and situations with the former beloved. Even the best breakups have a lot of awkward moments, sadness, anger and confusion for both parties. It sounds like your breakup is likely to be mean, nasty, dramatic and unpredictable. Given this reality, how can you take good care of yourself? How do you maintain a business relationship with someone who makes a scene in a supermarket and may be bipolar (or, at best, is highly unpredictable)?

This is the time to surround yourself with friends, colleagues and family members who love and support you. You may need to lean on them to get through the coming months when you and your ex are forced to communicate to divide up your assets.

I strongly recommend you contact a good attorney to help you with this process. You might also consult with a financial consultant. You can get referrals to GLBT-friendly professionals through the Greater San Diego Business Association, at (619) 296-4543.

As a psychotherapist, I recommend that clients in situations like yours minimize contact with their ex if he/she exhibits cruel, unpredictable or abusive behavior toward you. Some people handle the breakup primarily through their lawyer, letting her/him do most of the unpleasant work. Other people minimize any personal contact with their ex, limiting all contact to telephone calls or to e-mails. If you want a record of your conversations for court or other purposes, e-mail may be the best mode of communication.

It’s unlikely, though, that you will be able to handle everything by e-mail. You’re probably going to have to talk with him in person and on the telephone during the coming weeks. Here’s some advice for taking care of yourself in these difficult situations:

If you have to talk with him in person, meet in a public place where he is less likely to be out of control. Pick a table in a restaurant close to other people; this creates a bit of an intimidation factor. Although he went off on you in Ralphs, he may not do so when a table of four people is only three feet away. If you are really intimidated by him, consider going to meet him with a friend for moral support. This is particularly important if you feel he could lose physical control. You want to minimize potential emotional and physical danger to you any time you meet with him. If he threatens or intimidates you in any way, consider a temporary restraining order against him. A lawyer can advise you on that.

Let’s say that you don’t want to spend time with him in person, but you feel OK talking with him on the phone. How can you make these phone calls as stress-free as possible? Before any telephone conversations, make notes. These notes create a framework you can use to guide the conversation in a constructive way. For example, if he starts to beg you to come back, you can look at your notes and return to the agenda you want to discuss. Don’t let yourself be sidetracked. Focus on what you want from the conversation. Be factual and concrete. For example, “What’s the next step in dividing up our properties?” or “Here’s what I suggest we do with the properties we own.”

I strongly recommend establishing intentions to be neutral in speaking with your ex. Neutrality is a kind of gentle assertiveness, it’s neither passive nor aggressive. For example, if he says something like, “You’ve never really loved me, have you?” you can respond with neutrality: “Let’s stay focused on the property, OK?” and move on.

At some future time, I suggest you take a look at why you stayed with this guy for so long. Is this what you felt you deserved? Did the relationship resemble previous relationships, like your parents’? Learn from this relationship so that you don’t repeat it. A good therapist or counselor can help you get to the bottom of that stuff. Get some help and break this pattern.