Dear Michael:

I am in a 10-year relationship that, in general, is really good. The problem is that the sex has virtually disappeared, even though we both love each other a lot. We even went to a couple’s therapist but it didn’t do any good. The therapist didn’t want to talk about sex (he seemed uncomfortable), so we didn’t. On a recent “Oprah” show, they say that the better the intimacy, the better the sex. But that’s not true for us. We are a loving couple with a saggy sex life.

Bored in bed

Dear Bored:

I must apologize on behalf of my fellow therapist. Many doctors and psychologists aren’t comfortable talking about sex, so they don’t encourage their clients to do so. Shame! Sex is a wonderful, vibrant part of life, and to ignore it is unwise and counterproductive. Not all of us therapists are sex-positive (yet). The field of sex therapy is a rapidly expanding one, and while I’m not a sex therapist, I keep current with research in this area. I am comfortable talking with my clients about sex, and encourage all readers of this column to not settle for a therapist who isn’t.

Traditional psychological theory pretty much follows the “Oprah” line: Sex and emotional intimacy are inextricably interlinked. Sex problems equal emotional problems. But is this really true? It doesn’t sound like it is for you and your partner. I recently read a great new book by Esther Perel entitled Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. It’s quite a controversial book here in therapyland, and its premise is this: All of us man-loving men want someone who is financially sound, emotionally stable, ambitious, masculine, caring, hip, sexy and passionate. However, she says, “those qualities don’t go together in the same person. It’s like you’re looking for four different men rolled into one.” Sound familiar, single guys? Most of us are torn between security and adventure. We want stability but we also want excitement – in the same man. Perel says “the body wants experiences that are very different from what the mind wants. Psychology is so focused on the talking cure that it disrespects the body,” and the body wants excitement in bed, not just someone to do the dishes with.

Part of the solution, according to Perel, is talking about sex, masturbation and fantasy with your partner – just the two of you or with a good therapist who isn’t afraid of such a lively (scary?) discussion. I agree. It’s not that we expect too little from our partners; we expect too much. We expect our partners to solve our loneliness, excite us in bed and empty the dishwasher. We want to be married to Superman in bed and Clark Kent when it’s time to pay the bills. Who can live up to such expectations?

So how do you work with dull sex in your relationship? I don’t recommend all those self-help books that encourage you to jack up the libido by doing stuff like making a sex date or renting a dirty movie. Perel’s advice is to talk less and be more distant. Does a bit of distance enhance sexual/emotional intimacy or destroy it? The idea of “healthy distance” in a relationship means that each person needs friends of their own, activities they do on their own. It isn’t emotionally or sexually healthy to share everything with your partner.

Ironically, groping for greater closeness may kill your sex life. Why not try a bit more autonomy? You can turn to your partner and say, “You’re abandoning me” or you can be willing to change yourself and your role in your relationship. Things often become a lot less pressurized when we stop expecting our partner to be our “everything”: a wild man in the bedroom and a stable, down-to-earth shoulder to cry on. We can’t get it all from one person, and it’s a setup for failure to try.

I have a client who told me he’s married his husband three times; their relationship has shifted and changed that much in the 17 years they’ve been together. Hint: They both were willing to change. Are you? Is your partner?

I suggest you experiment with the suggestions from the Perel book and really talk with your partner about what you want from sex and masturbation. Discuss your fantasies. Rather than deepen your emotional intimacy, why not focus on deepening your sexual connection? And consider lowering your expectations of each other. Less emotional pressure always leads to better sex!