The Internet and I have a big thing in common: We both “came out” at about the same time and have been inseparable ever since.

That was in 1996, while I was a grad student in Hawaii. After several years teaching and traveling in Asia, I found myself in a paradise of hot Hawaiians with beach bods. I was itching to crack my closet door, and the Internet was my willing accomplice.

It all started innocently. I placed an ad on Planet Out and made friends with the first guy that responded, an undergraduate. After that, meeting guys online was all I thought about. Every night I huddled in a campus computer cubicle, trolling Planet Out while peering behind my shoulder to check if anyone was looking.

When I left Hawaii for très gay San Francisco, the Internet was my “in” to meeting the city’s Asian guys. My backpacking days through Asia may have been over, but I was still “exploring the cultures” of each country I’d visited there.

Ironically, my first boyfriend ended up being white. During our five years together, I kept my online profile updated – to “make friends,” as I justified it. I was still new to gayness, and the Internet helped rekindle my fascination with other white boys. This eventually proved unfortunate for my relationship.

Single again, I’ve tried Gay.com, Gaywired, Yahoo!, Match, Friendster, MySpace, Big Muscle, Jock Bod, Adam 4 Adam, M4M and Manhunt. In three years, I’ve spent countless hours reading profiles and going on coffee dates. I even visited a few guys out of state. A few guys proved datable, but most became friends or faded away.

My current addiction is Connexion.org. It’s free, full of hotties, and nude pics aren’t allowed, so members are more apt to want to chat than just hook up. On days when my inbox is crammed with work e-mail, it’s a thrill to get new messages from Connexion or other sites. A day without messages can feel like a day without validation.

Even on Connexion, guys still favor shirtless poses, and the competition for attention is fierce. I’m constantly updating my primary photo with a recent, hopefully hotter pic. Not everyone bothers to do this, and after spending two or three years on the same site, you can easily spot photos taken years ago. This is a bit more challenging on sites like A4A where half of the pics are waist-down.

Gay sites can have their shady sides, and I’ve developed some “man-handling” strategies.

First, know that most guys assume you’re online for a hookup, even if your profile says otherwise. In fact, most guys don’t read profiles, especially the hot-but-dumb types. For this reason, it’s best to keep your profile short and even throw in some bullet points.

To attract guys who don’t read, use photos to your advantage. If you like the beach, post some beach pics. If you’re a jock, show yourself water skiing or covered in mud and sweat after a rough game of tackle. I advise against photos of you reading, knitting or scowling. And please, no pics of yourself posing with trophies or celebrities… can you spell c-o-n-c-e-i-t-e-d? I actually saw a guy whose main photo is of himself clutching an Oscar. I’m sure he’s just fabulous, but unless he’s gonna take me to next year’s ceremony and seat me next to Oprah, I’m not impressed.

You can often gauge a guy’s maturity and even personality by his message. “Hey ’sup” means he’s either under 25 or acts like it. All-lowercase messages mean he’s probably lazy. ALL UPPERCASE MESSAGES mean he’s both LAZY and ANGRY. And misspellings aside, a guy isn’t the brightest if he has to ask you, “Watcha doin?” (Reply: “I just happen to be downhill skiing while checking my messages, and you?”) But if his 1999 photo still makes you sweat, then all of the above doesn’t really matter.

The best greeting of all is when a guy actually addresses you by your name. This means he’ll be the attentive type who will probably remember your name the next morning… and maybe all of the mornings after that.

On Friendster and MySpace, you’ll also get messages from lonely boys in the Philippines, single Russian women and scammers. So if a hot guy invites you to model for him and points you to a foreign Web site, it’s probably a scam.

And when the hottie you messaged doesn’t reply, learn not to take it personally. He obviously has no manners, so why would you want to date such trash?

Finally, the Internet is a path but not the destination. Maybe one day you’ll find your dream lover online. But chances are good that he/she may be doing something far more rewarding… like reading a good book or skiing.

Gary Thayer is a freelance writer living in San Diego.