For more than 40 years, I’ve always tried to be open and honest about my life with you, the GLBT community and friends. Even in the countless interviews and profiles with both mainstream and GLBT media, I have tried to be open and have answered difficult questions concerning my family, personal life, health and history.

No, I am not HIV positive, but if I was I would not hide it because I admire those leaders, activists, entertainers, sports personalities, etc. who come forward and give HIV/AIDS its universal and diversified face.

My heart condition has not been improving. In fact, I recently had to vacate my apartment, which I have lived in for more than four years, where my lungs have been subjected to possible spores, mold and other toxins. I am awaiting medical results and, yes, I am worried and frightened because of my growing breathing problems.

This week, I will be moving into a seniors’ living complex in Hillcrest, and all my clothing, furniture, etc. has to go through chemical cleansing – and some must be destroyed.

This most certainly has not been a good month for me, nor have, in all honesty, the last few years.

As many of you know, I come from a very traditional religious and conservative family. About two years ago, my father died of Alzheimer’s. We were never close, and I can’t remember him ever hugging me or saying he loved me.

My brother, who is also gay, and I are not close either. Indeed, I found out that for three years he had a partner living in San Diego and came down here every weekend but never called me to even say hello.

I know my mother loves me, but we also do not have a close relationship. The truth is I was brought up in a cold, rigid atmosphere with hardly any familial warmth.

Not long ago, I also found out that the day I was born, my parents gave me up to another couple, and they took me home from the hospital. My birth certificate had this couple’s names on it, and they were the ones who named me. My mother changed her mind 72 hours later and took me back, but never changed the birth certificate.

Needless to say, this came as a shock to me, and I then understood why at times I felt unwanted and unloved during my childhood.

Upon learning that I was a gay activist and in the spotlight, my entire family (cousins, uncles, grandparents, etc.) dismissed me, and to this day I have no contact, communication or relationship with them.

Since the death of my father a few years ago, all this has been building up inside me, and my pain and hurt has led me into a very deep depression. On the inside, I truly have been in turmoil, as well as hurt and lonely.

I have always believed that I was strong enough to handle anything, thus I never believed in psychiatrists, counseling, support groups, etc. In the 1970s, I became addicted to drugs – throughout my life I have been honest and open about this – and I beat my addiction by going cold turkey and totally relying on my deep spiritual beliefs. Thus, this was reinforcement that I could handle anything by myself.

No, I have never done crystal meth or heroin, but I am very aware of how it has affected my GLBT and Latino community, and therefore I’ve for decades been involved in, organized and supported recovery organizations through countless benefits.

These past two years have been so depressing that I have needed prescription medication to even sleep at night. Soon, I realized I was growing dependant on these prescriptions, and this led to other things.

I contemplated committing suicide about three times because my inner pain, hurt and depression grew. It was only my Catholic guilt that stopped me.

While the Nicole you saw on the outside seemed to have everything together and was smiling and doing his public and community service, the inside was dying and crying for help. But my brain refused to answer the pain in my heart and soul. I kept this all to myself.

Only when you have walked through the lowest valleys of life can you truly know how beautiful and peaceful the view from the highest mountain is. Recently, this journey has begun for me. I have confronted my pain, family hurt, health problems, depression and demons.

I cancelled all my medications except those pertaining to my heart and blood pressure. I am in counseling for my depression and have finally begun to be able to sleep at night. I am now accepting the fact that while I will never have a true blood-family bond or love, I do have both with my close family of GLBT friends. It is bringing about closure concerning my family pain. I am truly in a state of inner peace now, which I haven’t been in two years.

My counselor asked me when my last true vacation was or when I took time for myself. I couldn’t answer these questions.

The late gay pioneer Morris Kight, one of the founders of our GLBT movement and my dear friend, said, “Nicole, activists like us are married to the movement.” He also said it “keeps us youthful and alive in spirit and soul.”

I will continue my involvement and activism, but I will also now take more time to “smell the roses” and take my health problems more seriously. I have already stepped down from some boards and organizations and will be trying to enjoy life more.

Why have I brought all this up? Because I know there are others who are in pain and turmoil, and who are facing their own demons.

For decades, I have refused to reach out for help, ’til it built up to this overwhelming depression.

I pray almost every day – always have – for my friends, those who are ill, my family and my community. I have also prayed that God give me peace. He has answered my prayers by letting me know that no one can walk alone on this journey of life with all its ups and downs. Sometimes you have to extend your hand for help.

I am here today because The Center and my friends were there to help me in my darkest hours. I look forward to that view from the highest mountain.

Thank you for listening, and know if I can help or share my journey with anyone, all you have to do is extend your hand. Thank you and God bless.