Are you aware of why you may be unable to quit worrying about money, even if you are in good financial shape? Could a lack of money somehow be related to internalized homophobia? While these questions may be difficult to answer, this column explores several areas worth examining when thinking about your finances.

Often, when gay men are in a financial mess they have other difficulties in their lives. For example, people who avoid doing their taxes may be avoiding other responsibilities, such as having adequate health insurance, finishing school, or starting a savings plan. Others who cannot seem to get their financial act together also have other areas in disarray, including friendships and relationships.

If any of these examples sound familiar, it is because your relationship with money is just that, a relationship. And, like relationships with other people, some individuals take better care of their financial responsibilities — both to others and to themselves.

People with money problems tend to fall in two camps. There are those who never have enough money and so have financial difficulties, and there are those who have money but worry about losing it. Suze Orman, in her book, The Nine Steps to Financial Freedom, emphasizes that financial freedom is not having a lot of money. Rather, freedom means not worrying about it.

In her book, she offers exercises in which you go back to childhood and recall early experiences with money. By doing this, you can learn how early experiences and observations of your parents’ handling of money influence your current financial health. You looked to your parents as role models, and if they didn’t take very good care of their financial health it is passed down. You might have made a conscious decision to not be like your parents if you were one of the luckier children who see how their parents handle money and decide not to be like them at an early age. On the other hand, most of our decisions are made unconsciously, and the role modeling influences take the upper hand without some sort of outside intervention.

Think about how society views money. The phrase “money is the root of all evil” can affect you more than you think. What the philosopher actually said is that “the love of money (over people and other living things) is the root of evil” — in other words, greed is evil. But most of us have accepted that money itself is somehow dirty or evil. If that’s your belief, how can you enjoy it without worrying about it?

As another complicating factor, financial difficulties and internalized homophobia can also be related. As I mentioned earlier, financial problems can have their origins in the emotional realm, which is where many, if not most, of our challenges originate. Add to that growing up gay in this society. Does someone who is seen as sick, immoral, or sinful deserve anything of value? Should this gay person go to college, find a great career that he loves and retire with enough money to live on for the rest of his life? While many gay men become successful and have financial freedom, for many of us it is delayed until later in life or doesn’t come at all.

It takes a lot of work and courage to come to terms with your emotional relationship with your finances. You have to overcome negative messages that were given to you while your were growing up to feel worthy enough to have financial freedom.

What helps many people toward financial freedom is not working on the financial aspect of their lives first; that is the tail wagging the dog. Rather, it is better to work on improving the quality of your life by having fulfilling relationships with others, making attempts to find a love relationship and develop a life together, discovering the kind of work you enjoy and forgiving people who have hurt you in the past. In other words, work first on feeling better about yourself as a person and as a person worthy of good things.

As you do so, you have the potential for true financial freedom. In a study on happiness among the elderly, many people living in assisted living facilities were asked what is most important to them. The vast majority put friendships and loving relationships on the list above having a lot of money.

Living exclusively for the moment can lead to serious consequences when you are older. However, no one ever lay on their deathbed wishing that they had made more money. They wish that they had lived more fully and spent more time with friends, lovers, and families. So, keep your relationship with money in perspective while on your life’s journey, neither ignoring it nor making it your only one.