Dear Michael:

I have a weird problem: I have so much Internet sex that sex with real guys is crappy in comparison and I don’t get off. Last night I had a date with this cute guy. The date went great, we went back to his place, but I kept fantasizing about Internet sex while we were making out. This tripped me out. It’s never happened to me before. I’ve crossed over some invisible line where now I prefer “fake” men to “real” ones. But, in my defense, I am horny a lot, I jerk off usually once or twice a day and I can’t find real guys to do this with, so I go to the Internet and get off that way. It works: I cum and go on about my day. But now I’m in bed with this hot guy and I couldn’t cum with him. I’m a mess.

Stuck in two dimensions

Dear Stuck:

When you obsess about guys from the Internet, there’s no room for a real guy (who’s not so perfect and available) in your life. Internet sex is fine as long as it doesn’t replace or interfere with your ability to connect with real people. It sounds like you’ve crossed your own line (of mental health) and don’t like the results. So here are some suggestions on how to sexually and emotionally reconnect with real men (or women, or both):

Use the Internet wisely. When you go for sex to cheer yourself up or distract yourself, the sex is usually lousy and you feel empty when it’s over. You said that Internet sex works for you (“I cum and go on about my day”), but if it really does then why are you e-mailing me? The Internet is great as a supplement to – not substitute for – great sex with real people. It can even be cool for couples, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of the ongoing deepening of mutual love, respect and communication. It can be terrific for single people in that, as you said in your e-mail, you can’t always have a guy (or girl) around when you want to get off. Internet sex is like rich dessert: fun on occasion, but too much is bad news.

Connect more with your lovers. When you’re making out or making love with a partner, keep your eyes open! It’s amazing how many people space out, close their eyes and forget who they’re with. Maintaining eye contact with your partner will help you resist the temptation to space out and go off to Internet fantasyland. Great sex requires an emotional connection with your partner(s). If you’re not really there with them, you might as well jerk off alone. I advise couples I counsel to maintain eye contact with each other during sex play, orgasm and after. Anyone can close their eyes and jerk off to a fantasy – it’s a release of sexual tension, no more, no less. Masturbating can be a great source of pleasure and self-discovery, as long as it doesn’t mess up your sex life when you’re not alone.

Real men take work. Why do some of us prefer these two-dimensional men to the ones we meet (and often reject) every day? Real men take work. Loving one requires large amounts of patience, communication and respect, even on the days when you hate their guts because they forgot to feed the dog or clean the kitty pan, and you just know they did it to piss you off. Two-dimensional men have no problems: no muss, no fuss, never a disappointment. They’re there when you want them, will do as you say (if you pay), and you can get rid of them as easily as a click of the mouse. If only you could cuddle with them at night, wake up in their arms, laugh with them during breakfast, kiss them goodbye before you leave for work – you know what I mean.

Fear of real people. Some people run from intimacy with real men and women, and instead obsess on their Internet fantasy lovers. Many of us are afraid to go out and meet, approach, date and make love with real people. Rather than look directly at our fears about relationships, we put our heads in the sand and focus on our newest object of sexual obsession on our favorite Web site(s). In the long run, those hunky, hung boys on the Internet can help you get off, but the boys (and girls) in real life will help you grow as a person and deepen as a lover, friend and/or companion. The choice is yours.