Dear Michael:

I feel like I’m bisexual, but really I’m gay. I just don’t like gay men. I prefer women for relationships and men for sex. I wish I could take the personality of a great woman and put it into the body of a hot guy – that would be perfect! But, since I can’t, what do I do? I’ve had a lot of dates and short relationships with men, and they are hopeless. Gay men are still men, and I want an emotional relationship with a woman. But women don’t turn me on. Believe me, I’ve tried! I’ve even gotten engaged to a woman (twice) but the sex only worked when I fantasized about men. I want a lover with the body of a man and the personality of a woman.

Pulled in two directions

Dear Pulled:

Your letter reminds me of the typical laments I hear from gay men just coming out. They say they don’t like other gay men and don’t want to be around them. They’re unhappy that they’re gay, telling me: “I wish I was straight. It’s so much easier being with women.” These guys are usually suffering from internalized homophobia, e.g., “I think being gay is a bad thing, but I’m gay so I’m stuck here and I hate it.” Internalized homophobia is a subtle form of oppression that is easy to ignore. Rather than look at ourselves and ask, “Why don’t I like people like me?” it’s easier to say, “I just don’t like gay men; they are hopeless” (your words).

The only known cure for internalized homophobia is self-examination. We’ve been well-trained since birth to think that gay people are less than, deviant and doomed to some kind of future unhappiness. Even the most supportive PFLAG family can’t protect you from growing up in this homophobic society. It’s almost impossible not to be somewhat homophobic when you come out. We were raised – brainwashed – to be that way. We need to un-brainwash ourselves to be free from hating other gay men (and ourselves).

Where to start? Here are some suggestions. Take a look at why you don’t like other gay men, the gay community, etc. Usually it’s because you don’t like being gay yourself. If you were my client, I may suggest you sit down and write out “My Gay History” of how you realized you are gay. Start with childhood and that more-than crush on your best friend, your handsome neighbor or whomever. This is your story, so make it as detailed as you like. Remember how you struggled, or not, to admit you’re gay. How did you make peace with it, or haven’t you? Use this story to gain insight into your own unique form of homophobic brainwashing. The first step of change is to see where you are now and how you got there.

The next step is to stop generalizing about all gay men. If you have close gay friends, I can’t imagine that you find all gay men so emotionally hopeless. If all your friends are straight women, you’re stacking the deck against yourself. It sounds to me like you need to be around more diverse ages, varieties and types of gay men. If the gay men you’ve met so far aren’t your emotional type, look at how you’ve been meeting them and change that. Many of us get into ruts; we do the same thing day in and day out and wonder why we’re not meeting any interesting new people. Because we’re not putting ourselves in situations where we can!

Then it’s time to bust out of your comfort zone and explore the many overlapping circles and communities that constitute “gay San Diego.” For example, you may not meet your type of man at a gay bar or nightclub. You may be more likely to meet him doing volunteer work (big-hearted and generous types are often found there) or pursuing a particular interest of yours (e.g., someone else who likes architecture, tennis, yoga, chess, whatever).

Why not continue to find emotional fulfillment with the women in your life and expand your life to include men who also have these characteristics? Ignore all that stereotypical crap about men being from Mars and women from Venus. All of us are unique combinations of masculine and feminine qualities. If you think men are all of one type (“hopeless”), then you’re drawing a premature conclusion. Keep your fabulous women friends, take a good look at your internalized homophobia, get yourself out there into the incredibly diverse world of gay San Diego and see who you meet. It’s like that old En Vogue song goes, “Free your mind and the rest will follow.”