I was the guest speaker at Bungalow Bill Elementary School in a small classroom in front of about 20 sixth graders. The teacher, a very clean and proper older woman named Ms. Eleanor Rigby, pointed to a rather tiny wooden chair for me to sit in. I was to field questions from the children.

There was a long silence until the first boy got on his feet and asked, “I am little Peter Best and I would like to know when they say that a wine tastes like black cherries or blueberries, do they add things to the wine?”

I smiled and was happy that I was asked a question that I could answer. “That is the magic of fermentation,” I said. “Wine grapes like merlot are complex and have many similarities to other fruit such as cherries and strawberries. When wine ferments, it is very similar to decomposition. Wine becomes its basic elements and that is what you taste in wine – if of course you were old enough to drink wine.”

A rather pretty girl got up and said, “I am little Patti Boyd and I am sure that some winemakers add things to wine.”

I got up and pleaded with my hands. “It is true that some winemakers add things like flavor additives and non-grape additives, like hard cider. Those are outside the realm of fine wine and wind up in very cheap box and jug wine.”

Another boy raised his hand and said, “I am little Ravi Shankar, and I would like to know how come some wines are red, some are white and others are pink.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Grape juice is white, with very few exceptions,” I explained. “White grapes like chardonnay very rarely have contact with the grape skins and that is why the wine is white. Red wines like merlot benefit from contact with the skins, which gives the wine color and flavor. Wines like rosé and white zinfandel have just brief contact with the grape skins to give the wine its pink color.”

A rather tall boy got to his feet. “I am little George Martin and I would like to know what turns grape juice into wine?” he asked.

I went to the chalkboard and wrote Grapes + Yeast = Wine.

“It is very simply put that if wine grapes, vitis vinifera, are crushed by foot or machine, the natural yeast on the skins will turn grape sugar into alcohol,” I said. “Some winemakers prefer to use different commercial strains of yeast because wild yeasts are unpredictable, but there is a movement to create a natural wine – a growth of the organic and biodynamic movement – so the use of natural yeast is more and more popular.”

Another pretty little girl rose to her feet and said, “I am little Linda Eastman and I would like to know why some wines are sweet and some wines are dry?”

I began to wonder why everyone called themselves “little.”

“Yeast turns grape sugar into alcohol, and winemakers can start or stop fermentation by controlling the temperature, thus leaving the wine as sweet or dry as desired,” I answered.

Then the teacher Ms. Rigby asked me: “Are sulfites necessary in wine? They seem to give me a headache.”

“Sulfites are a byproduct of fermentation, so sulfites cannot be totally avoided,” I said. “Sulfites have been used for centuries as a preservative. You can buy wine without added sulfites, but you’re playing Russian roulette – often the wine is spoiled.

“Virtually all winemakers throughout the world use sulfites,” I continued. “Sulfites are not known to cause headaches and there is no medical evidence to support that claim. There are other elements in wine that can cause headaches, but usually they are caused by not eating food or drinking enough water with wine.”

I rose to my feet, happy that I was able to answer all the kids’ questions, when a beautiful girl said: “I am little Yoko Ono. Would you name all the 60 wineries in the 1855 classification of the Medoc?”

She gave me an eerie smile, and I began with a nervous voice, “Chateau Latour, Chateau Lafite, Chateau Mouton…”

Then I felt a nudge on my shoulder and I woke up. There sat a smiling Mr. Vino.

“You must have been dreaming,” he said. “You fell asleep on the couch drinking champagne and listening to the Beatles. Why were you reciting the classified growths of the Medoc?”

I rubbed the sandman’s dust out my eyes. “It a long story,” I said.