Dear Michael:

I saw you last night at Spin Cycle at Rich’s. I recognized you from your picture in the GLT. Don’t you think you’re too old for a foam party? I went to your Web site and saw that you are 53. Don’t you think at that age you need to stay home with your knitting? Just kidding, but not really.

Mister Foam Party (age 25)

Dear Mister Foam Party:

I like your question, despite your saucy comment about my knitting. (Note: I love to garden, but I don’t knit – yet). The next time you see me somewhere out and about, please introduce yourself. We could have had a good discussion about what is “too old” and what isn’t.

And wasn’t Spin Cycle a lot of fun? There’s nothing like dancing under an avalanche of foam to feel excitement and joy like a kid again.

But back to your question: As queer men and women, how do we know what is age-appropriate for us? It’s easy to say, “Oh, just do what feels right to you,” but what about being “appropriate”? And what is “appropriate” anyway? Maybe it’s about being inoffensive. But if life is all about not offending people, none of us would have much fun at all, would we?

When I was 25, I dreaded being 50. Fifty seemed so far away, and it didn’t look appealing at the time. I remember calling one bar, which was patronized by older gay men, a “wrinkle room.” All my friends called it that too. We thought we were just having fun and being cute.

Cut to the present: As you age into your 40s, 50s and beyond, what and where is your place in the gay community? Can you go to S.A.G.E. (Seniors Active in a Gay Environment) meetings and foam parties, or is that just too weird? Can you enjoy knitting and going to Club Montage, Bacchus House and other gay bars patronized by younger gay men? Or should you “know better,” “stay in your place” and avoid situations where much younger gay men may be hanging out?

We’re talking about ghettoization by age. I wish when I was 25 I had known some cool older gay guys who enjoyed life and didn’t base their happiness on a perfect body or face. But, in all honesty, I was like you, dear reader. I only wanted to be around people my age.

Why do we ghettoize by age? Fear is behind all of this. We cling to people like us – in age, race, income, education, religion – because it’s comfortable and familiar.

By ghettoizing by age, we miss out on so much. We miss out on variety. We miss out on learning from those older and younger than we are. The bottom line is, don’t we all need each other? Can’t we all learn from each other? Can you see me at a foam party and see yourself (still enjoying life and trying new things) in 28 years? Or is it painful to see a 53-year-old person having fun because you can’t visualize yourself at that age as a happy, fulfilled elder?

It’s common in our community to make fun of people who are not aging in a way we consider attractive. This is one reason why plastic surgery and injectables like Botox and Restylene are increasingly popular in the LGBT community. Once the domain of straight, wealthy women, these expensive and invasive procedures promise a lifetime of looking 25, 35 or whatever. This is self-hatred repackaged as “don’t I deserve it?”

This kind of backward logic (e.g., the outside is what matters most and the inside is secondary) makes a mess of our lives, and we wonder why we can’t sustain meaningful relationships. Meaningful relationships are not about sharing the same plastic surgeon; they’re about depth of personality, feelings, integrity, humor – all the stuff you can’t sculpt with a surgical blade or syringeful of Botox.

It’s healthy to eat well, take care of yourself, exercise and be good to your body. It’s unhealthy to obsess on your image at the expense of your inner feelings and emotions.

Maybe a foam party isn’t the place you’d expect to find a 53-year-old gay man, but can you celebrate with me and see how one person thinking and living a little outside the box of rigid expectations can make it just a bit more possible for all of us to move outside that same damn rigid box? We’re all in this together. Can we enjoy growing, maturing and aging together too?