Directed by Edward Zwick

Written by Charles Leavitt

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou, Jennifer Connelly and Michael Sheen

138 minutes in CinemaScope

Blood Diamond is a big, loud, patronizing Hollywood blockbuster masquerading as a well-intentioned message movie.

In the late 1990s, diamond smuggling was the name of the game in Sierra Leone. The chaotic opening chase sequence, in which a fisherman and his young son dodge bullets and race past explosions, would be equally at home in Diamonds are Forever. Solomon (Djimon Hounsou), screaming in close-up, looks on as his family is taken from him. What? No slow motion? If you’re going to film clichés, at least do so with a scrap of conviction.

Solomon is put to work in the Sierra Leone diamond fields where, surprise of surprises, he uncovers the title bauble, an extraordinary, one-of-a-kind treasure. While on a faux bathroom break, Solomon buries the pink jewel, much to the suspicion of M’ed (Ntare Mwine), his brutal guard.

In lockup, M’ed grills Solomon about the diamond’s existence. All of this is overheard by Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio), an ex-mercenary from Zimbabwe who makes his living exchanging diamonds for arms. Both prisoners see this one-shot rock as their ticket to freedom.

The woman in the picture is Maddy Bowen (Jennifer Connelly), a sexy American journalist bent on blowing the lid off of corrupt diamond merchants “who have chosen profit over principles.” Leo resists temptation at first, but before long he realizes that he needs her a lot more than she needs him.

Charles Leavitt overstuffs his screenplay with equal parts hackneyed dialogue (“I like to get kissed before I get fucked”) and divine intervention. I counted at least a half dozen times throughout the film where fate sticks its foot out, generally in the form of rebel attackers, at just the precise moment when a character is forced to make a decision.

Solomon is about to be shot for pilfering the diamond when the rebel forces attack. Later on, Solomon’s decision to team with Danny is influenced by the sudden appearance of the bad guys. These rebel savages might be real-life terrors, but dramatically speaking they make the best plot advancers.

Isn’t it about time critics left Leo alone? Those unable to look beyond his boyish good looks slammed his performance in Gangs of New York. He didn’t fit their idea of a violent street thug. Others were quick to disparage his Howard Hughes, claiming that his baby face drained believability.

Simply put, Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the finest actors of his generation. Five minutes of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? are enough to put many of his contemporaries to shame. As Archer, he’s all guts and bravado with an accent that never falters. The film is almost worth seeing just for his performance.

Hounsou has a towering presence and he summons up the right amount of suffering that the part demands. Connelly, miscast and lacking chemistry with her lead, appears to have signed on to help support a good cause.

A closing crawl asks us all to remember the film next time we shop for diamonds. Instead, I’ll be keeping Forrest Gump’s Dan Taylor in mind when I buy socks later this week.

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Directed by Mel Gibson

Written by Mel Gibson and Farhad Safinia

Starring a cast of indigenous unknowns

137 minutes in CinemaScope

How bummed must Michael Richards have been when he learned that the only person to come to his defense was world-class Jew-baiter Mel Gibson? Not as pissed as I was after suffering through Apocalypto.

Nonstop violence puts me to sleep, and I must confess to mentally walking out on the picture and catching a good 15 minute catnap about an hour in. Even before Mel outed himself as a raging anti-Semite, I had very little regard for his acting ability and even less respect for his directorial aptitude. Let us never forget that Gibson’s Braveheart earned him Best Director and Picture Oscars, beating out Scorsese and Goodfellas.

He was used well in the Mad Max trilogy; cast him as a revenge-soaked animal, provide him with minimal dialogue and let him loose to slaughter people. This approach served Stallone well in the Rambo trilogy, why not Gibson?

Neither actor was content playing inexpressive killing machines. They tried their hands at comedy, but the only laughs on display in Oscar, Stop or my Mom Will Shoot and Bird on a Wire were quite unintentional.

My goal was to compare Gibson and Stallone’s latest offerings, but the critic’s screening of the newest Rocky installment ran opposite the Gay & Lesbian Times’ holiday party. Don’t think for a second that I was going to pass up a hosted bar high atop the Park Manor in favor of going a few more rounds with a prehistoric Rocky Balboa. I guess that I will have to pay (in more ways than one) to see the Italian Stallion conquer hoof and mouth disease on opening weekend.

As for Mel, if you want to see a bunch of Mayans indulging in bloody human sacrifices for more than two hours, you do so without my blessing. The film is one act of senseless brutality after another. Gibson decapitates more actors than a nearsighted projectionist.

Much has been written about Gibson’s decision to film Apocalypto in the original Mesoamerican dialect. The biggest laugh at the screening I attended came when the words “We’re fucked” appeared in the subtitles.

There is one telling credit in Mel’s filmography. He produced a made-for-TV biopic about Jewish comedians the Three Stooges (The Passion of the Shemp?). Gibson loves to direct bloodbaths. Most parents try to steer their children away from the Stooges’ violent antics. It appears that Gibson’s folks gave him a ban saw and parked him in front of the TV.

Rating: m

Directed by John Stockwell

Written by Michael Ross

Starring: Melissa George, Josh Duhamel, Olivia Wilde and Beau Garrett

89 minutes in CinemaScope

For its first half, Turistas is an entertaining, reasonably well-made suspense film about a group of vacationers stranded in a remote Brazilian beach town after their reckless tour bus driver crashes his rig.

The fun ended abruptly when the film took a Hostel turn and a Brazilian Dr. Mengele started plucking internal organs from the young, attractive cast.

This wasn’t exactly a far stretch for actor-turned-director John Stockwell, son of Blue Velvet’s Dean Stockwell and star of John Carpenter’s Christine. A seasoned pro when it comes to babes-in-bikini surf films, Stockwell was the auteur behind such jiggle classics as Blue Crush and Into the Blue. Instead of drug smuggling, this time Stockwell substitutes human organs for heroin.

Alex (Josh Duhamel) escorts his sister Bea (Olivia Wilde) and her best friend, Pru (Beau Garrett), on their first trip abroad. Former Guess model Garrett is the only member of the cast to appear nude, and we all know what that means: She’ll be the first to die.

Fortunately, Pru (Melissa George), the most beautiful tourist on the bus, is also the only one who speaks Portuguese. Finn and Liam (Desmond Askew and Max Brown) are on board solely in hopes of getting laid by a future Victoria’s Secret model. From here on in, it’s strictly gore effects and death by billing.

According to the press notes, Turistas is the first American feature to shoot entirely in Brazil, and what a glowing endorsement for tourism it is. Between this and Babel, I awaken each morning and immediately kiss the sacred American soil beneath my feet.

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