Dear Michael:

I am in shock. One of my closest friends just ended our friendship of eight years and won’t tell me why. Everything was fine (I thought) and then she went on vacation. When she came back, she told me she was “super busy.” I kind of believed her, but then I saw her at a yoga class and she avoided me. Now I get a Christmas card from her saying: “I feel like our friendship isn’t a good match for me anymore. Please don’t contact me” and that’s it. I still see her at the yoga class, and she pretends I don’t exist. I’ve never had anything like this happen with someone I was really close to. My girlfriend says to just let her go, but this hurts so much. What a shitty thing to do, and to put it in a Christmas card! Ugh! I feel so unlovable, and, despite it all, I miss her.

What Happened?

Dear WH:

In situations like this, shock, disbelief, sadness and anger are normal reactions. It’s like a hit and run where the other driver isn’t taking any responsibility; she’s just left you wounded and abandoned by the side of the road.

Don’t make any important decisions right now. Give yourself a week or two before deciding what you want to do. Decisions made while we are in shock are usually lousy ones. Save yourself future grief and talk this out with your girlfriend, friends and/or a counselor.

Most of us, if we got a card like you did, would wonder, “Is it something I did?” It’s normal to do some soul searching and it can be a good thing, in moderation. Don’t spend too much energy looking at your past behavior… unless, of course, you’ve brought this on. Let’s assume that this is mostly about her (which it usually is). Why wouldn’t she talk with you in person if she was considering ending your friendship? It’s likely that she can’t handle the emotions she feels.

Your friend’s timing sucks – putting it in a Christmas card is tacky – but don’t be stuck in a victim role. She didn’t say anything bad about you, just that your friendship isn’t a good “match” anymore. Who knows what’s going on with her? You don’t, so please don’t torture yourself by guessing. You may never know why she ended the friendship.

What do you do with all your feelings, particularly any anger or sadness you may have? One option is to write her a letter. Let the first draft of the letter be as rude and evil as you like – you won’t send it, so let it rip! Put the letter aside for three days and then reread it. Now edit it down to something civilized. Take out all the mean stuff and put it aside for another three days. Then read it again and imagine someone sent it to you. How would you respond? Do one final edit to make it as neutral as possible. Put this letter aside for another three days and consider if you want to send it. If in doubt, have someone you trust read it and give you feedback. Remember, you’re likely to see her again (queer San Diego is a very small town), so don’t mail something that may cause you future suffering.

After the above process, you may not need to mail the letter. The purpose of those three-day “holding periods” is to give you time to calm down. By then, you may have gotten all the crappy emotions out of your system. If you do decide to mail it, you may hear from her or not. If you mail the letter, tell yourself: “I’ve done all I can. Whatever happens now is out of my hands.”

As for seeing her at yoga class, how can you not be freshly wounded each time you see her? Try this cognitive therapy technique: When you see her in class, catch any negative thoughts that pop up in your mind and replace them with neutral or positive ones. For example, if you see her and think “oh, what a frigging coward you are” or “how could you do this to me?” you could replace those thoughts with “this is her problem, not mine” or “lots of people love me; I am loving and loveable.”

You’re doing this for your happiness, not hers. You don’t want to stay stuck in anger or sadness, so take good care of yourself right now and spend time with your girlfriend and people who do love you. Have a great new year despite your (ex) friend. That really is the best revenge!