The other day I was on Amazon doing some holiday shopping, mostly for myself. Since I’d been planning a column about dating, I decided to search for books on the subject.

The results are scary: literally thousands of titles! If I were Borat from Kazakhstan, I’d get the impression that Americans are as skilled at romance as Madonna is at acting. There’s even one of those yellow-and-black Dating for Dummies books – a perfect stocking stuffer for the special idiot in your life.

Thankfully there’s no need to actually read these books, since you can get their gist from just the titles. For example: Do Talk to Strangers (cruising in Balboa Park!), Husband Hunting Made Easy (the humane use of tranquilizer darts!) and It’s Not My Fault I’m in Bed Alone (Beano and Gas-X don’t always work).

I’m no Casanova, but I’ve been on a few dates over the years, not counting the guys from 1-800-ESCORTS. Based on these casual encounters and occasional slaps in the face, I’m pleased to present my Top 15 Ways to Ruin a Date:

Look just like your photo, but 10 years older. Explain it this way: “Ever since my ex and I broke up, I got depressed, stopped working out, drank a lot and became addicted to Cheez Whiz.” (Pause for dramatic effect.) “But I’ve been in therapy and this week I’m starting fresh!”

Wear distracting clothes. Your options are as limitless as the piles in your closet! Remember that Christmas sweater with the red and green reindeer? Or how about your shimmery, semi-sheer gold shirt from International Male! Or for a casual date, may I suggest your skull and crossbones T-shirt, paired with those tight jeans with a strategic hole in the rear.

Showcase your intelligence. When asked your favorite color for example, pull a Britney Spears and say, “Shiny!”

Talk about yourself – a lot. Prepare for this by secretly recording some conversations with friends. As you play them back, do all your sentences begin with “I” and “My”? Do you constantly butt in before people finish sentences? Then crack that whip, honey, because you’re a card-carrying conversation dominatrix!

Talk about your ex. Discuss in detail: how much your date reminds you of your ex, how often your ex stalks you; or if you’ve lived a James McGreevey kind of life, explain why your ex-spouse no longer speaks to you.

Talk about your therapy progress. “I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly during the four years since my breakup,” you say. “I’ve completely rediscovered my inner me, and my therapist told me I was ready to start dating again!”

Talk too much about your pet. “Sparkle is the sweetest, most loyal dog,” you exclaim. “He just loves to cuddle in bed, and he’ll always make sure I’m up for a 6:00 a.m. walk, even on weekends! Look, here are some photos. … What’re those stains on the carpet, you say? Well, he didn’t like the last guy I dated very much.”

Talk about money. You’ll both argue about money after you move in together, so why keep secrets now?

Tell your date who else you’re dating or have dated. The scene here is so small, so why not swap stories as much as you swap spit? Just don’t mention that your last “date” was two hours ago.

Leave your cell phone on. “Excuse me, can you hold that thought? Gotta take this call. Hello? Yeah, I’m still on the date. Huh? Yeah, I’ll tell you later. What? You’re breaking up…”

Keep looking away. Because there’s a really cute guy sitting at the other table… and the waiter’s ass is amazing!

Scratch your groin often. Then declare: “I must be getting used to this brand of anti-fungal cream.”

Get caught flipping through Husband Hunting Made Easy as your date returns from the restroom.

Stick your date with the bill. The best way is to make for the restroom just as the server is bringing the bill. If it’s still unpaid when you return, then use the tried and true “Wouldn’t you know! I left my wallet at home. Do you mind covering this one?” For added effect, empty your pockets of pennies and lint.

End the date abruptly. Suddenly look at your watch and exclaim: “Oh my God! I nearly forgot I have a roast in the oven,” or “So sorry, my ex and I have a special joint therapy session at 7:30.” Or you can just go to the bathroom and never come back. After all, the guy you met in the stall was more fun, and he really resembles your ex.