Each week, the Gay & Lesbian Times reports on the latest in local, national and world GLBT news. Fascinating as that may be, we here in the newsroom often yearn for a position at, say, the Onion or the infamous National Enquirer. We’d love a little gossip and a chance to deal a few low blows (hey, remove head from gutter).

This April Fools Day, instead of going to the Enquirer, we brought the Enquirer to the Gay & Lesbian Times. Enjoy, and remember all of the stories below are fake. They ain’t real. Let’s say it again: None of these stories is factual. OK, let’s put it in a way you gays understand – it’s all faux, honey!

Portantino gets little sympathy from gay community

Gay & Lesbian Times publisher Michael Portantino is recovering after being stabbed outside the CVS pharmacy in Hillcrest just before noon on Sunday, March 25.

According to police, Portantino had just walked out of the pharmacy located at Fourth Avenue and Washington Street when Councilmember Toni Atkins approached and began stabbing him. Witnesses said instead of running away after the attack, Atkins sat down on a nearby curb, began smoking a cigarette and waited for police to arrive.

Portantino was taken to a nearby hospital and treated for non-life-threatening wounds.

Atkins, who cooperated fully with officers, was arrested shortly after the attack. According to eyewitnesses, Atkins was said to be smiling throughout the attack and the arrest, and even waved from the back of the squad car to a cheering crowd.

Portantino said he has since received little sympathy from the gay community, adding that a recent poll by the GLT showed that 51 percent of the community supported the stabbing compared to 49 percent that did not.

Officials said that Atkins will be charged with one count of assault with a deadly weapon. She is being held on $30,000 bail and is awaiting arraignment.

Atkins attempted to again use city money to pay for a high-priced attorney to head her defense, but instead was issued a public defender by the court.

City Attorney Mike Aguirre was quoted as saying: “I’m not touching this one with a 10-foot poll.”

Outrageous behavior is seen as cry for help, community says

San Diego District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis was photographed arriving at a recent Center fund-raiser without panties, adding to a long list of strange and unusual behavior exhibited by the openly lesbian elected official.

According to eyewitnesses, Dumanis was seen partying with notorious socialite Jenn Jones, who is The Center’s director of development, prior to the fund-raiser. After the two arrived, the intoxicated Dumanis stepping out of the vehicle and was seen without panties, flashing paparazzi and passers-by.

This recent controversy is the latest in a string of out-of-control behavior exhibited by the city’s head DA.

Last week, Dumanis was seen driving around Hillcrest with a baby in her lap instead of the requisite car seat. What is stranger, however, is that Dumanis does not have children.

In the past six months, Dumanis has twice checked in and out of Stepping Stone, a local GLBT drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. Each stay was less than 24 hours. She was also seen passed out at Bad Kitties, a popular lesbian night at Numbers nightclub.

A spokesperson for Dumanis said that she was not passed out, but instead was asleep.

“She has a grueling schedule and simply decided to take a nap,” said Paul Levikow, communications director for the District Attorney’s Office.

“This is obviously a cry for help,” said Heather Cross of North Park. “She is constantly in the public eye and has shot to the top so quickly in terms of accomplishments and fame. It’s really quite sad.”

Dumanis was not immediately available for comment.

Also missing was any mention of Bob Lehman and Tom Felkner

Gay & Lesbian Times columnist Nicole Murray-Ramirez shocked readers of the newspaper last week by writing an entire column without once engaging in shameless self-promotion. Also missing was any mention of community member Bob Lehman and his partner Tom Felkner leading many to believe that Lehman had Murray-Ramirez’s lips surgically removed from his ass.

Examples of Murray-Ramirez’s lack of self-promotion included a total disregard for opportunities to refer to his court, charities he started or bingo nights at a certain local bar. Even more surprising, Mayor Jerry Sanders, Councilmember Toni Atkins, Steven Spielberg and Jesus Christ were all mentioned by Murray-Ramirez without the usual phrase “my very close friend” that precedes most names in her weekly column.

Mayor Sanders repeatedly placed phone calls to GLT offices in an attempt to reach his very close friend in order to find out whether he had somehow fallen out of favor with the columnist. In one message left on the editorial department’s voicemail, Sanders said: “Nicole, please call me. I’m sorry for anything I may have done to upset you. I need your support for my re-election campaign. I can’t do it without you. You are my everything.”

Murray-Ramirez denied the GLT an interview, but agreed to an off-the-record lunch with the paper’s editor, Russell O’Brien, a sign that the change in his column was most likely a one-time fluke.

Religious right blames same-sex marriage, PFLAGOTS defend new cross-species sexual orientation

Pet owners across the country have been stunned in recent weeks as dogs and cats have been discovered in frightening displays of cross-species animal lust. While pet owners have been generally perplexed by their pets’ new behavior, the Christian right has been quick to blame the incident on homosexuals and same-sex marriage.

“We knew this would happen,” said American Family Association chair Donald Wildman. “You all thought we were just chromosome-challenged bigots, but who’s laughing now? Cats and dogs and fags and dykes, that’s who!”

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson agreed. “I’m not surprised,” he said. “We predicted this would happen a long time ago. Homosexuals knew of our warnings but have carelessly chosen to ruin the lives of pet owners everywhere.”

Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, took matters a step further and said that the dog-cat love was a punishment from God. “We didn’t heed his warnings when he began killing our troops in Iraq, so now he’s turned our pets into cani-feli-sexuals. We have only ourselves to blame.”

Gay rights organizations defended the community from the attacks by the religious right. GLAAD president Neil Giuliano issued a statement dismissing conservative logic for the new dog and cat behavior.

“The idea that gays and lesbians are responsible for this bizarre new twist in dog/cat relations is ridiculous,” he said.

“When I was mayor of Tempe, Ariz., I heard stories of ASU students engaging in every sexual practice imaginable, and that was just the cheerleaders,” Giuliano continued. “If some sort of sexual behavior is responsible for this change, why wasn’t Tempe affected before? Why is it suddenly affecting pets as equally in Boise, Idaho, as it is in San Francisco?”

The newly renamed Parents and Family of Lesbians And Gays Or Transspecius-Sexuals, (PFLAGOTS) experienced a surge in enrollment as liberal and moderate pet owners supported the love between their cats and dogs.

“PFLAGOTS loves all of our children and all of our pets, regardless of their sexual or species orientation,” said local PFLAGOTS president Tracy Ebba. “Why are the Bible-thumpers so concerned about it? I think some of them are in the closet about their own attraction to dogs and cats.”

Fund-raiser attempts to galvanize support from lesbian community

The annual “Mama’s Pie in the Sky” bake sale fund-raiser will be changing its name to “Mama’s Hair Pie in the Sky,” said Alberto Cortez, executive director of Mama’s Kitchen.

The move by the non-profit is, according to Cortez, “an attempt to appeal to the greater lesbian community.”

“Gay men and the straight community make up a majority of our fund-raising base,” he said. “After meeting with representatives of the lesbian community, we feel that by creating more inclusive and lesbian-centric fund-raisers, we can bring our lesbian sisters to the table. And what better a way than with hair pie?”

Pies will be sold to the public from Oct. 18 to Nov. 15 for $20 apiece to coincide with the Thanksgiving holiday, and the sale of each pie yields the delivery of almost half a week’s worth of nutritious meals for one client of Mama’s Kitchen, which provides nutritious meals daily to individuals with HIV/AIDS and other diseases throughout the county.

Indeed, the need for community contribution has never been more poignant for Mama’s Kitchen, especially since the board of directors expanded its services to include individuals under the age of 60 who have critical illnesses, not just those living with HIV/AIDS.

Mama’s Kitchen, in operation since 1990, delivers three meals a day, five days a week to approximately 300 critically ill men, women and children, and has recruited echelons of volunteers to pick up and deliver pies to more than 30 locations in and around San Diego County.

Pies are available in several flavors, including pumpkin, apple, cherry, chocolate cream and hair.

Water sports and other pool games top list of group activities

Local bathhouse the 2200 Club will reopen this June as the North Park Gay Athletic Center, said John Smith, owner of the club.

The sauna and steam club for men voluntarily agreed to cease operations on April 30, after several attempts by the City Attorney’s Office to shut the club down.

“The new club will not be a sexual encounter establishment, but an athletic center where gay men can meet, socialize and engage in physical activities such as water sports and other pool games,” said Charlie Sharples, 2200 Club general manager. “Video rooms will be transformed into changing rooms for patrons, and exercise equipment will also be brought in.

“Of course, like any other health club, the steam rooms and sauna will remain,” he added.

Deputy City Attorney Ryan Zeegler said that the new athletic center does not violate city ordinances as far as he can tell, but that he will be continuing his investigation after the clubs transformation.

“Any place where gay men gather, especially when water is involved, is a red flag in my book,” Zeegler said. “We’re prepared to send in more undercover police officers, dozens if we have to. No cost is too high to close this business down once and for all.”

Community members are welcoming the change, saying that a gay athletic center will keep gay men from exercising in the parks and other public places where it is considered a nuisance to straight residents.

Bush administration says bisexuals are natural fence sitters

In an effort to recruit personnel to guard the U.S./Mexico border, the Bush Administration recently announced the National Guard will now welcome and actively recruit bisexuals.

“It is a well-known fact that bisexuals are natural fence sitters,” President Bush said. “I commend Congress for their strong support on this bipartisan vote, as well as the continued support of our efforts in the war on terror.”

There was mixed reaction across the country, and GLBT activists are split as to whether or not to support the initiative. While many gay activists denounce the new policy for reinforcing negative stereotypes about bisexuals, some argue it could lead to the complete dissolution of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

California Sen. Christine Kehoe, D-San Diego, went on record saying she’s only half-convinced this could work and believes it is in response to rapidly dwindling enlistment numbers.

“While this is a step in the right direction, I believe this is a haphazard attempt for the Bush administration to take the spotlight off of Gen. Pace’s recent morality lesson about gays and lesbians,” she said.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, however, assured that is not the case.

“The U.S. military wants to assure those who have merely dabbled in the homosexual lifestyle – or plan to dabble – that it is OK, and that’s why we’ve loosened the U.S. Armed Force’s restrictions on gays in the military, starting with the National Guard,”

Gates said. “While it is true that a full-on homosexual lifestyle is incompatible with military service, it is time to acknowledge that many enlisted personnel have probably had a same-sex experience or two at some time in their past. Maybe they were just going through a phase, maybe it was a hazy, drunken night with a fellow enlistee. Maybe they were just bi-curious. Hell, we’ve all been there!”

An outbreak of shigellosis devastated partiers in Palms Springs this weekend as lesbians around the country met for Dinah Shore weekend. Public health officials are still trying to figure out what caused the outbreak of the diarrhea-causing bacteria.

Symptoms of shigellosis include fever, explosive diarrhea and loose, bloody stool.

“We don’t understand it,” said Abigail Lynch, spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control. “If there was any segment of the population we wouldn’t expect to experience an outbreak of shigella, it’s the lesbian community. An outbreak of this size is usually only seen during White Party weekend.”

Actor apologizes to fans for trying to deceive them

The cast of the popular television show “Grey’s Anatomy” was rocked with scandal once again when it learned that star Isaiah Washington is actually black. The star, who had previously called fellow cast member T.R. Knight a “faggot,” was outed on set while the two were allegedly arguing. Knight, apparently tired of taking Washington’s verbal abuse, called Washington an “African-American” in front of the entire cast and crew.

It is not known how Knight learned that Washington is in fact an “African-American” or “black” man, nor is it understood why Knight waited until now to “out” Washington. Knight told Larry King on “Larry King Live” yesterday that he always knew.

“I knew from the moment I met him that he was a black man.”

King asked Knight if he was black as well and whether or not the actor knew Washington was black because of some sort of “black-dar.”

“I’m not black Larry,” the actor said. “If I was though, I certainly wouldn’t try to act like I wasn’t. I may be gay, but at least I’ve always been open about it with my fellow actors.”

Knight told king that Washington’s secret was simply an obvious fact.

“I mean, how could you not know?” asked Knight, who seemed perplexed by the question. “I don’t understand it, people keep asking me how I knew, but it’s totally obvious. Why do people keep acting like they’re so surprised? Are they blind?”

Knight also denied that he outed Washington in retaliation for Washington calling him a faggot. He claimed that the subject just came up in conversation on the set and that it was not part of an altercation between the two actors.

At a press conference days after the outing, Knight told reporters that the rumors were true and that he is in fact a black man.

“I’m black, and it’s about time that I admitted it to myself and my fans.”

As an actor, Washington was well-equipped to pull off his “white act.”

“I used to go to extraordinary lengths to act white,” said the actor. “I would drive like I owned the road, I danced like a spastic hooker suffering heroin withdrawals, and I even told people that I had a small penis.”

Washington told reporters that in light of his own “dirty little secret,” and after experiencing discrimination firsthand since his outing, he felt remorse for his behavior toward Knight.

“Words can’t express how sorry I’ve been about my behavior,” he said. I now know what it is like to be discriminated against. I’m truly sorry. Not pretend sorry like before when I went to some fake rehab to curry popular opinion, but genuinely sorry.”

They’re out, they’re proud and they have morals at the end of the story

Former children of the 1980s were shocked recently when a group of cartoon stars came out of the closet to denounce recent comments by Joint Chiefs of Staff Chair Gen. Peter Pace who voiced his opinion that homosexuality is immoral.

Twins He-Man and She-Ra, who announced that they were gay and lesbian, respectively, said that the general’s comments were completely unfounded and that their heroism was proof that gays and lesbians were just as capable of bravery and heroism as heterosexual soldiers.

“I always thought my leather harness and fur covered jock strap were dead giveaways, but nobody ever suspected I was gay, even in my nelly ‘Prince Adam’ persona,” He-Man said. “But I think my heroic exploits speak for themselves, and anyone who wants to tell me I’m less of a person because of my sexuality is a bully. Remember, kids, bullies are just insecure about themselves, and sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to just be yourself.”

She-Ra, who couldn’t tear her eyes from Inspector Gadget’s now-adult neice, Penny, agreed. “My brother’s right. Just because I prefer cute, bookish-type women doesn’t make my sword any less sharp or the morals at the end of my episodes any less pertinent,” She-Ra said.

Handy Smurf, who announced that “she” is a lesbian, said the general’s comments were not in line with the political mainstream. “Who does this smurfing general think he is? What a smurf-hole,” Handy said.

The entire cast of the “Care Bears” also came out, but in their statements they were much more understanding of Gen. Pace. “We think that what Gen. Pace needs is a great big hug,” said spokesperson Funshine Bear.

Panthro of the “Thundercats” had a different spin on things.

“My Thundercat friends used to laugh with me and wonder how people couldn’t tell I was gay when one of my primary weapons looked like two fisting devices attached with a chain. To be honest, that’s exactly what they are, and I just grabbed them once in an emergency to hit mutants with, but they worked great so I’ve used them ever since,” Panthro said. “But isn’t thinking on your toes part of being a soldier? Apparently Gen. Pace would rather me sit things out on the sidelines despite my ability to kick ass and take names. By the way, I can take names in 23 different languages, including many Arabic dialects, but that’s apparently not important to the general. He’s more concerned with my sexual practices.”

Also present at the press conference, although they didn’t speak, were Scrappy Doo, Thundarr the Barbarian and his life partner Ookla, lesbian band Jem and the Holograms, Superfriends Batman and Robin, and DangerMouse.

GLT Editor In Chief Russell O’Brien and special needs employee John Bilow were both recently hospitalized with head wounds. According to witnesses, Bilow and O’Brien had been butting heads for months, which resulted in massive concussions for both men. “Bilow was hired through one of those special needs outreach programs, and he appeared harmless enough, once you got used to his habit of chewing on his own shoes and getting distracted by shiny objects,” said Michael Portantino, GLT publisher. “What we didn’t know, however, was that he would butt heads with O’Brien so often. It happens 10, maybe 15 times a day. He would just walk up to O’Brien and head-butt him out of the blue. It got to the point where they both were wearing helmets. Bilow, of course, has always worn one, but O’Brien has been wearing one since the second week of Bilow’s employment.