As summer winds down and the heavy smell of mowed grass hangs in the humid September air, I can’t help but reminisce about my days on the football field. That was a wholesome time in high school, with twice-a-day practices, virtuous pom-pom girls and camaraderie among the players that was genuine, sincere and formative. (Sorry, no shower scenes.)

I’ve remained a relatively devout football fan since those days. I always catch my alma mater when they play on television, and even took in a pro game last season, thanks to some free tickets.

Like most sports fans and economists, I realize that when you merge professional athletics with capitalism, the result is multi-million contracts for everything from tailbacks to beer commercials. But a recent event in our nation’s capitol has shown that sex spices up the deal too.

ABC televised “NFL Kickoff Live” — a music and entertainment extravaganza — plunked on the National Mall on Sept. 4. The event was to promote the opening of the pro football season, much like the Super Bowl celebrates its closing. For a cool $10 million, the NFL bankrolled the event, with primary sponsorship from “New Pepsi Vanilla.”

A debate in Washington swirled prior to the event with legitimate questions about whether the U.S. Department of Interior bent the rules prohibiting commercial events on the Mall. After all, the site of our Capitol’s back yard has been reserved for national celebrations and solemn events — everything from the Fourth of July concert and fireworks to the display of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. While some complained that the Bush administration was selling out the U.S. Capitol as a backdrop for a profit motivated commercial, others said, ‘What finer way to earn some extra cash for Uncle Sam?’

The most interesting think to me about the nationally televised event, however, was two of the stars of the show: Britney Spears and President George W. Bush.

Britney, as you’ll recall, made news most recently for her spit-swapping kiss with Madonna on MTV. (Bush has never been photographed kissing that way, perhaps in protest of the French position on Iraq.)

On the NFL Kickoff Live stage, Britney did what she does best — perform sexually-charged dance gyrations and lip-sync. Not only did Britney provide prime time, family viewers with some girl-on-girl, sex-humping simulation, but allowed her male dancers to remove her pants. The disrobing revealed satiny black panty-shorts that would make Victoria’s Secret attire look like Granny’s winter bloomers.

That’s all nice and fine — and probably why Congress was still at work in the Capitol behind her, checking her out on TV — but what was really surprising is what followed.

Either because he’s a huge football fan, or perhaps to answer critics of his Park Service’s decision to allow this commercial event on the Mall, President Bush showed up in a pre-recorded video lauding pro football, claiming it “celebrates the values that make our country so strong.” Since Britney’s groin-grinding, sex-laced choreography apparently also “celebrates the values” of our country, I wonder what’s next for the Mall or our President.

Clearly, compassionate conservatism has rounded the corner. It was the first Reagan administration that banned the Fourth of July “Beach Boys” concerts on the Mall in the early ‘80s after it claimed such concerts drew “the wrong element.” But now, with the President virtually sharing the stage with girl-toy Spears for the sake of football, might Laura Bush shake some pom-poms with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders this season? Will we next see Britney take her sleazy concert tour throughout our National Park system?

My vote would be to let “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” take a crack at Bush’s Western White House in Crawford. After the “Fab 5” highlighted the President’s hair and dumped his wagon-wheel coffee tables, the six of them could play some touch football. Are you ready for some Fab Football?