Bad pickup lines have been around for as long as there’s been cheap beer and wine. In the last century, movies made some pickup lines famous: We’ve all heard Humphrey Bogart toasting Ingrid Bergman with “Here’s looking at you kid” in Casablanca, and Mae West’s cowboy pickup line,“Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

Thanks to generations raised on TV and the Internet, dumb pickup lines are now as common as Lindsay Lohan’s rehab visits. Depending on you, your target, and how much you’ve both had to drink, pickup lines can either be an effective weapon in your hookup strategy, or a bomb that blows up in your face:

“Is it hot in here, or is it just you?”

“This bar is such a meat market… and you must be the prime rib.”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.”

“If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.”

“Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?”

“Your T-shirt is hard to read…. Can I try it in Braille?”

“Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink?”

“So do you prefer gin and platonic, or scotch and sofa?”

“Oh, you’re from Taiwan? I love to eat Thai food!” (This guy apparently slept through geography.)

The all-time worst offender in this category is: “You’re so good looking… . Why are you single?” (Often misinterpreted as: “What’s wrong with you?”)

“Why are you all alone?” (Misinterpreted as: “Why don’t you have friends?”)

“You look/seem like a nice girl/guy.” (Misinterpreted as: “You could be a psycho, but it’s too early to tell.”)

“You look great for your age!” (Misinterpreted as: “Nice, but you’re not as hot as the younger guys here.”)

“I love big noses!” (Misinterpreted as: “Yep, your nose is damn huge.”)

“I’m not that picky.” (Misinterpreted as: “You’ll do.”)

When time is of the essence, you can’t beat around bush. Try an old standby such as, “Do you have any Italian [or insert your ethnicity] in you? (They answer no.) “Would like some in you?” A variation on this is: “Do you know the difference between a burger and a blow job?” (No.) “Wanna do lunch?”

Some other possibilities:

“Those jeans look great on you, but they would look much better on my floor.”

“Do you know how to use a whip?”

“My word of the day is legs… . So let’s go back to my place and spread the word!”

“Your face reminds me of a wrench…. When I think of it my nuts tighten up.”

“If you go home with me, breakfast is included…. I’m guessing you like sausage?”

“If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, I’d put my nuts in your hole.”

If even those are too subtle for you, you can try a tactic that sometimes works for one of my friend’s friends: he’ll go up to a guy and say “Got a cock?” If the guy says he’s not gay, my friend’s answer is “Didn’t ask that…. Got a cock?”

If words aren’t your thing, you can play charades: put your hand to your mouth, lick your lips, etc. And if you’re really drunk, you don’t have to pretend. For example, one of my friends was at a bar minding his own business when suddenly a guy walked up and licked his face. (He was grossed out, mainly because the guy wasn’t hot.) Or if licking ain’t to your liking, you can compliment a guy or girl on their white shirt, saying it would look great wet, and then spit your bottled water on it. That actually happened to a friend who was walking out of a bar. Of course the guy failed in his pickup attempt, but won points from my friend for creativity.

Whatever your strategy, a final word of advice. Make sure your sheets are clean – just in case it works.