I’ve got the perfect swanky affair to kick off the holiday season! Stop by Martinis Above Fourth Monday, Dec. 10 for the Fourth Annual Wreath Auction. This is truly one of the most fun events of the holiday season, and you can take home many unique wreaths specially designed for the auction, which benefits the Queen Eddie Conlon Youth Fund. Last year’s event raised more than $26,000 dollars, and we hope to top that this year. I will be hosting this Martinis signature event, and I will have a crew of hunky elves to help spread the holiday cheer. So stop by for a Coco LaChine martini, and bid on a wreath or any of the festive silent auction items.

“A Very Babette Christmas” is back at Martinis Above Fourth for three shows on Dec. 15-17. You must get tickets in advance, available at Babette Schwartz (421 University Ave.), or you won’t get to see the famous Babette “pearl twirl.” If you wish to have pre-show dinner and get priority seating, you must make dinner reservations (after you have secured those priceless tix) by calling Martinis at 619-400-4500. Guest performers vary each night – trust me, there is no holiday show more twisted than this. These gurls will do anything for tips and a cocktail. And, by the way, it appears grandma was not run over by a reindeer – Cristina Monet is Babette’s guest at the final show on Monday!

With the holidays well underway, no doubt your mailbox is stuffed with catalogs and year-end solicitations for donations. Well, I’m here to help you sort things out. Year-end donations represent a large part of fund-raising income for most nonprofit organizations. And with government funding and foundation grants harder to come by, do consider sending a year-end, tax-deductible donation to any of our local charities.

Most companies either rent mailing lists or “exchange” lists for one-time use only. So, if you get mail soliciting donations, it does not mean you are on a particular company’s mailing list. These companies are not allowed to keep your name and address unless you respond to them.

Now what to do with all the catalogs and unwanted mail? I usually sort them out in “keep” or “toss” piles, because I may consider buying something from a catalog in the “keep” pile, or I simply enjoy perusing some catalogs.

Here are some ways to reduce the amount of unwanted mail you receive:

Mark “return to sender” and the U.S. Post Office will generally send the mail back. Most mailers, in turn, will put you on their “Do Not Mail” (DNM) lists.

Call the mailer’s toll-free phone number. Most companies have one to call, but you may not get a live person every time. This is not the most efficient method. The chances of human error are great, and you may not achieve your goal. Keep in mind that any time you ask to be removed from a list, you must provide the exact name and address as it appears on the mail piece, even if it may be slightly incorrect. The process of removing your name from a list is generally done by computer and if the information you provide does not match the file, it won’t flag your name. And please do not scream or swear at the customer service representatives – it is not their fault that your name is on some list. They have no way of actually removing your name, but can only add your name to their DNM file. If you really want to know where they get your name from, there is usually a code on the label, but the customer service people may not be privy to that information, so don’t get mad at them. Once you are on their DNM list, when your name comes up again, your name will be flagged next time.

One of the most efficient ways is to mail back the address label, order form or envelope where your name and address are printed, and write the word “remove.” There is no need to write long threatening letters, as they usually never get past the data-entry staff, whose job is only to process your request and not read your long diatribe.

Another efficient method is to contact the Direct Marketing Association, which maintains a national Mail Preference Service (do not mail list). You can register online at www.dmachoice.org/MPS. There is a $1 fee, and your name will be on that file for three years. Registering with the DMA Mail Preference Service will not affect mail from companies and organizations you currently do business with or support.

As a last resort, you may also consider filing a “Prohibitory Order” with your local post office. Mailers take POs very seriously, but this will only address specific mailers and not the other unwanted mail. In fact, doing any of first four suggestions should solve your problem. Reserve the Prohibitory Orders for those unscrupulous mailers.

If you follow any of the above tips, it will generally take between 60 – 90 days before you see a significant decrease in unwanted mail.

Of course, there are also those pesky credit card offers that you probably get every day and from the same company every other week. You can opt out of these offers by visiting www.optoutprescreen.com or by calling 800-5OPTOUT. This service is provided by the nation’s three largest credit reporting companies.

And if it’s phone solicitors bothering you, you can register for the Do Not Call list online at www.donotcall.gov or by calling 888-382-1222. If you want additional protection from receiving mail addressed to a deceased person, you can also register at www.ims-dm.com/cgi/ddnc.php.

Now, how did such a gorgeous gal like me become such an expert on this subject? It’s what I do for a living. So if you receive the Horchow or Neiman Marcus catalogs, just keep me in mind! Or you can just toss that unwanted mail in the trash, but you won’t be helping the environment. Save some trees this holiday season!

The holidays aren’t complete without The Nutcracker Ballet, A Christmas Story, or the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. The nice people at Radio City realize that we can’t all go to N.Y.C., so they’re bringing Christmas Across America to the Orange County Performing Arts Center in Costa Mesa from Dec. 13-30. This dazzling production features the much-loved Rockettes’ showstopper “12 Days of Christmas” and the legendary “Parade of the Wooden Soldiers.” Get your tickets now at www.ocpac.org or by calling 714-556-2787. OK, ready, step kick!

The Gay Men’s Chorus of San Diego presents Bells and Brass Dec. 15-16, at the Sherwood Auditorium at the San Diego Museum of Contemporary Arts in La Jolla. This holiday concert, under the artistic direction of Gary Holt, will feature the Brass Ensemble and Handbell Choirs, plus the students from the Miss Twinkleton’s School for Sensitive Boys. I’m shaking with anticipation. For tickets, visit www.gmcsd.com

The Mr. Nude Santa Contest is set for Saturday, Dec. 22, at the infamous CCBC Resort Hotel in Cathedral City. The contest starts at 3 p.m.; one hopes it will be warm enough to keep the contestants perky. With $1,000 in cash and prizes, the contest is open to all. For information, visit www.ccbcps.com or call 760-324-1350.

Or, you can see a new sketch comedy show, The Gay Mafia: Nu-Queer Winter at the Lounge Theater at 6201 Santa Moniva Blvd. in West Hollywood. The show runs on Wednesdays through Jan. 23. The Gay Mafia has seen its share of controversy for its take-no-prisoners-style comedy, skewering everything from Ted Haggard and Mary Cheney, to the war on terror, lesbian space aliens and retired gay Navy Seals. The show is not to be missed!

Or you can join Robi Cox and his partner Greg Scott at their 12th Annual Christmas Party, Saturday, Dec. 8 from 7-11 p.m. at 4304 Ridgeway Dr. in Kensington. The party is black-tie optional. RSVP by Thursday, Dec. 6 by calling 619-516-0282.

A very special happy birthday to my older sister Nicole Murray-Ramirez! All those rings around your trunk must be heavy! Love you, mean it!