When I was a university freshman there was no e-mail and my mother would call me at least twice a week, as mothers do when their first-borns fly the coop. On my end, there was never a shortage of exciting details to share: I’d made new friends, took on new projects, or discovered new places. On my mother’s end, things were more constant. So as I listened to her relate again how many hours she’d put in at work, or how Dad was procrastinating on a home project, or how the cat was acting funny, my mind would sometimes wander.

Occasionally this got me into trouble, either because I’d try to get off the phone early, or because I’d forget something that she’d said. One time she snapped, “How can you be studying communications when you can’t even talk to your own mother?”

I was studying mass communications, which was different. We had only one required “interpersonal communications” class, which I took my junior year. Now 18 years later, I can’t recall much from that class except the one thing that my mom had already been trying to tell me: in order to communicate well, you need to “actively listen,” as well as speak.

When we’re teens and even college students, most of us think the world revolves around us and everyone should shut up and listen. When we finish school and enter the “real world,” most of us realize the importance of good communication: it can make or break our chances with employers, friends, roommates, dates and partners.

These days, we have so many more ways to talk: mobile text, e-mail, instant message, blogs, and MySpace posts ad-nauseum. But, are we better conversationalists? Hardly. If anything, computerized conversation seems to have made us self-centric, easily distracted freshmen again. We’re often so inundated with new people, invitations and things to read, that we forget to listen and enjoy conversations when we do connect. Instead of sending hand-written cards or making personal calls for invites or holidays, we now send out mass e-mails or mass texts.

Eye contact vs. ‘I’ contact

Aside from listening, the No. 1 rule of conversation is to look someone in the eye. This forces us to be engaged with the other person, or at least pretend to be. During coffee or dinner, constant eye contact could even mesmerize your date into falling for you … as long as you’re not staring them down, or looking evil or spacey.

Online chats and phone conversations can be a different story. Because there’s no eye contact, we’re tempted to multi-task – like surf the web or chat with six people at once – instead of focusing on the conversation. And because extensive typing is so “last-century”, we now type our thoughts in MTV-manic short word bytes: “what u up to,” “cool thx,” and “k, later.”

This is what I call “I” contact, because conversations focus on the “I” (us) and seldom on the “you” (other person). With so much self-centeredness, it’s no wonder that we can chat forever with someone online and still get nowhere. Think you’re a more considerate chatter? Then try this little quiz:

1. To get someone’s attention, you say:

A. “Your (sic) hot!”

B. “Hi, great pics!”

C. “Nice profile. I think I’m what you’re looking for.”

D. “Hi, great profile – sounds like we like many of the same things.”

2. They respond and you want to get to know them, so you say:

A. “What are you up to?”

B. “How’s your weekend going?”

C. “What did you do this weekend?”

D. “I’m horny.”

3. To express your interest in them and what they’ve said, you say:

A. “Right on … that’s cool.”

B. “Right on … me, I’m going to take it easy.”

C. “Wow, that’s funny/interesting. What else did you do?”

D. “Well I had the same thing happen … ”

4. You mention that you have to go, but you want to talk again, so you say:

A. “OK, tty later.”

B. “OK, have a great day/night.”

C. “I liked our chat. Let’s chat again.”

D. “It was great chatting with you. Here’s my number – feel free to call so we can chat some more.”

Some of the sample questions may have more than one good answer, so choose wisely – because the end of a good conversation is often the start of something great.

Suggested Answers: 1) d; 2) c; 3) c;

4) d