Recently I caught an episode of “Oprah,” who was talking to a woman who never throws anything away – anything, except for the kitchen trash. She had closets crammed with toys she’d bought as gifts for her grandchildren. Instead of giving the toys, she hoarded them because she thought the kids wouldn’t want to spend time with her. It didn’t take Oprah’s guest experts to tell us that this woman’s obsessive-compulsive hoarding masked a big self-esteem issue.

From time to time, we’ve all let things pile up on our desks, in our drawers, or in our closets. When the time comes, most of us have no problem parting ways with unused items. For most, though, it’s a lot harder to clear out the clutter in our personal lives, namely our relationships. Why? Perhaps it’s because we tend to measure some of our self-worth by the friends we keep.

Scroll through your phone or e-mail address book, or review your friends lists on MySpace, Connexion or Facebook. How many of these “friends” do you talk to more than once a year, not counting the generic holiday greetings?

Gays are particularly prone to hoarding friends. One reason may be our need to feel loved. While growing up, more than a few of us felt lonely. Fearing that family members and potential friends might reject us on the basis of our sexuality, we built walls around ourselves and missed chances at building meaningful relationships. After finally skipping out of the closet, we surround ourselves with like-minded friends whom we hope will become the supportive relationships we may never have had.

Another reason gays collect friends is to feel validated, which can be the next best thing to being loved. In school, we may have been the effeminate types, artsy types, or geeks who lusted after the jocks or cheerleaders. Fast-forward 10 or 20 years, and we gays look better than most of our former heartthrobs, thanks to our zealous gym workouts and use of moisturizers. Even if we’re average looking, we can still be young and sexy online thanks to Photoshop and the anonymity of the Internet. There, on MySpace, Facebook or Adam4Adam, we can boldly send messages and friend requests to the young hottie-types we lusted after in school. Making cool “friends” was never so easy!

Offline, gays can be just as desperate when seeking validating friendships. Because we’re bombarded by media messages that equate sexiness with youthfulness and flat abs, many of us do whatever it takes to win our peers’ approval. Why else do so many middle-aged gay men still flock to bars and dance parties, wearing gelled-up highlights and T-shirts that may as well say: “I’m 44 and 20 years in denial”?

It may be time to do some spring cleaning in our personal lives.

The idea of clearing out my own friendships came the other week after I e-mailed my local friends about a song-and-dance show I was performing in with the Gay Men’s Chorus. After getting only two responses, I sent a follow-up e-mail a week later saying that I still had a few tickets left if anyone wanted them. Out of those two e-mails to about 80 people, I got a grand total of four responses, all to the tune of “Sorry, I’ll be out of town.”

I’ve been with the chorus for more than six years now, doing an average of two major concerts a year. Despite my e-mails and calls over the years, many of my local friends have yet to come see even one performance. When I complained to a couple of long-distance friends about this, they acted shocked. “If I was there I’d go see your show,” they each said. “It’s important to support your friends,” one of them empathically added.

In the end, I don’t give a rat’s padoodle what kind of excuses my friends offer for not attending my concerts. Nor do I expect them to go to all of them – just one every two years would be wonderful. What I do expect is a response to my e-mails, even if it’s just to say “Sorry I can’t make it this time, but good luck!”

In the end, friends are not people we should collect like shiny trophies. True friends are those who respond to our e-mails or calls, and true friends are those who, from time to time, will support us in areas of our lives where we devote our time and enthusiasm; whether we’re performing, hosting a theme party or training for a marathon.