I have several friends who are major sci-fi and comics geeks. There’s something about superheroes that has always appealed to gay people. Maybe it’s because, like superheroes, many gay people can relate to feeling like outsiders, oddballs and people living double lives. Maybe it’s because gay men were the first to work spandex into our everyday wardrobes – and then the first to toss it out. Or maybe it’s the just the appeal of superheroes’ buffed bods in skin-tight suits, with bulges in all the right places.

But superheroes don’t like being analyzed any more than gay folks do. Like us, they just want to don their spandex, cruise, leap, or fly where they want, and save a hot damsel (or dude) in distress.

So, without the burden of analysis, let’s look at some of the gayer superheroes that sadly never made it into the comics, Saturday morning cartoons or the summer box office lineup.

One of these superheroes – Ice Queen – was born 10,000 years ago in an ice cave, raised by polar bears, and preserved by layers of sediment and cheap drag makeup. Like a precipitously hanging giant icicle, her cold, acerbic wit can strike when you least expect, with deadly accuracy. Ice Queen may not have the right powers to save the world, but she’ll probably be the last one standing when the world ends.

By day, another one of our forgotten superheroes works as a mild-mannered Nordstrom clerk. But when he spots an approaching fashion disaster, he sneaks into a dressing room and emerges in a velvet cape, rhinestone-crusted mask and magic Prada shoes. He’s none other than the Super-Out Fashion and Accessories Basher, or SOFAB for short. With less effort than two high finger-snaps, SOFAB can rip through a walk-in closet with a single glance and frenzied fingers. After that, he’ll whisk the unsuspecting mortal off on a whirlwind shopping spree, culminated by an amazing fashion transformation that makes rest of us look like peasants.

Remember that cute but nerdy guy who you used to see a few years ago at the Barnes & Noble bookstore; the one who read and recommended all the bestsellers and self-help books for you? Now five years later, you see him at your gym, looking so ripped and pumped that you suspect he’s been slipping steroids. He’s been transformed into The Incredible Inapproachable Hunk: looking damn good, but too busy flexing and preening to notice you when you “accidentally” drop your towel in front of him. And when you say hello and strike up a conversation about literature, he can only nod and grunt, which is what creatures do when they haven’t read anything in five years.

You’ve probably seen the unstoppable, booty-licious duo of Thunder-Bum and Dyna-Girrrl – speeding down the streets on motorbikes that are more powerful than 100 Harleys and too frightening to kick off any Pride parade. Pea-brained criminals and gay-bashers are no match for their fierce fists, flying kicks and razor-edged flying bracelets. This pair’s only weakness is other women – so if you’re lucky, maybe they’ll lasso you up at Bad Kitty Night and you’ll end up as one of their secret harem, along with Pussy Galore.

If you like things even edgier, you’ll wish you were saved by Leatherman, who drives a jet-black car, wears all leather and enjoys posing nude for Tom of Finland art. And if you’re lucky enough to visit his lair – which some say is eerily like the back room at The Eagle – you might be tied up in a leather harness and play with his “gadgets.” Leatherman’s penchant for getting down and dirty is matched only by his best friend Ciderman, who drinks nothing but cider ale and can shoot sticky substances on the wall from 100 feet away.

Finally, there’s one forgotten superhero who, had he made it to the big time, would have superseded them all. With a chiseled bod, striking good looks and sharp blue x-ray vision eyes that can see right under your clothes, he’s melted many hearts. And when he swoops down to carry you into his bedroom, you’ll imagine that you’re Margo Kidder, only better looking. But beware, because Super-Commitment-Phobic Man will also give you the runaround faster than a speeding bullet, and tell tall lies in a single round. And on that fateful night when you surprise him with a big shiny “engagement rock” SCPM will suddenly and violently shrink with fear and fly away. If you cry out for him in the future, don’t expect him to swoop in and save you again.

Though these and other gay superheroes never became famous, we can still find them close by, should we ever want their services. They may be someone we know; they may even be one of us, living another secret double life.