“So, have you joined Facebook yet?” my friends kept asking, and each time I shruggged it off. Over the last six years I’ve already joined all of the popular social networks, wasting countless hours of my life that otherwise could have been devoted to productive things, like writing an Oscar-nominated screenplay, studying the Kabbalah, or researching my family genealogy to find out if I’m somehow related to Jake Gyllenhaal.

First I’d joined Friendster.com and Connexion.org. Night after night I pored over profiles of cute guys, and I answered each new message with the zeal of a schoolboy getting perfumed love letters. But in the end, most guys flaked or were too far away, so I never met them.

When my friends migrated to MySpace, I joined that site too, even though it sucked. My MySpace inbox seemed to only attract spam or messages from guys who looked like child molesters. And members’ pages were junked up with too much bling, like gaudy, schizophrenic slots in an online casino. MySpace pages were just another reminder of why average people shouldn’t be allowed to design anything.

When Facebook became the latest craze, I was damned if I was going to waste more time setting up another profile and friends list, only to find out the next day that everyone was dropping it for the next fad: “MyFace,” “MyBook,” “SpaceBook,” or whatever. But my friends kept nagging, so this year I relented and set up a Facebook profile. Right after joining, I received lots of messages informing me that so-and-so had accepted my friend request or that so-and-so wanted to friend me. Once again I was validated as popular and cool – even if only online.

One of my first Facebook requests was from Sara, a friend from high school in Ohio. After Sara became a minister and started a family, I didn’t hear from her again, so I wondered how well she’d react after discovering on Facebook that not only was I gay, but I also wrote for a gay paper and sang in a gay chorus. As it turned out, she was nonchalant about it and she even complimented me on my writing after she read a few of the columns I’d linked to.

After I received more Facebook invites and positive messages from classmates in Ohio, I realized how much attitudes toward gay people have improved in 20 years. A few of those classmates never responded after I added them, so I can only guess that they aren’t as cool with my orientation, or they’re just too busy to write. But I’m OK with it, because as cheesy as it might sound, I feel good just knowing that now each of them has at least one gay “friend” in their lives.

But the friend requests I get from people who never even talked to me in high school, or from “friends” here in San Diego who usually ignore me if I see them out in the real world really baffle me. Why would I want to suddenly be friends with someone just because we both walked the same high school hallways? Maybe I’m oldfashioned, but I don’t think it’s possible to really be “friends” with someone unless you’ve commiserated about your latest screwed-up relationships and consoled each other over a stiff drink or a long phone call.

I think the real secret to Facebook’s popularity is its ability to let you easily keep up with everyone you really care about, and everyone you just pretend to care about. When my own life feels dull or meaningless, I can log on and find out what my friends or relatives are doing at any moment. All in one place, I can enjoy their latest vacation or family photos, posted in shocking eight-megapixel clarity. Or I can find out which of my friends just scored high in Bejeweled Blitz or Scramble, which friends just got in after walking their dog, which friends rented a good movie last night, or which friends threw a party… all without them actually needing to call me or invite me to participate in their fun lives. Best of all, I can gain a deeper insight into my friends by discovering things about them like, if they were a dog, or a color, or a periodic element, or a Muppet, or one of the Golden Girls, which one they would be? Thanks to Facebook I now know more about my friends and relatives than I ever wanted to, and they can find out the same things about me, if I let them.

On the other hand, I think I’ll just turn off my computer and curl up with a book, or get started on that screenplay. Of course when I’m done, I’ll be sure to tell you about it on Facebook.