Whenever my friends chide me for spending time on hookup sites, I tell them that I’m mostly there to admire the men. After all, people have admired the male physique since the Greeks wore only sheets, since emperors kept male courtesans, since Michelangelo sculpted David, and since I started ogling the underwear models in Sears catalogs at age eight, trying to make out the hidden packages that had nothing to do with UPS shipping. From guys in Hanes it was a natural progression to the gayer International Male and Undergear catalogs, and then to the magazine aisles where I drooled over the latest Exercise For Men Only that I’d discreetly tucked into a copy of Maxim.

Today I still enjoy flipping through catalogs and soft-core magazines because they leave a little (or a big) something to the imagination. Porn videos don’t, which is why I’m probably the only gay guy in the world who finds dick flicks boring. Whenever I’m in a gay store, which is only when I’ve run low on Wet, I’ll only check out the videos to make fun of whatever my friends are picking out, such as “Hole Patrol,” “Crack Snackers,” “Drill Bill,” and “Pokin’ in the Boys Room.” I’ll flip through the picture books and calendars, but even those thrills are temporary because the models always look the same: hairless and expressionless. If a hot guy does catch my eye, I’ll hold the photo close for inspection like a botanist appreciating the perfect specimen: the drops of sweat glistening on his perfect pecs, thick muscular thighs, and his bulging – well, biceps. I’ll imagine how he’d murmur to me in a deep husky voice, slink towards me like a tiger approaching its prey, and then have me for lunch – all without my fantasy being spoiled by a cheesy porn soundtrack, bad lighting, cheap hotel room décor, and dialog that consists only of “Oh, yeah!” and “Fuck yeah!”

The other day I was browsing one of my favorite tech blogs and saw some posts about some cutting-edge porn technologies that were demonstrated at AVN’s adult entertainment expo recently held in Vegas. For top guys there’s the RealTouch – a $200 plastic and rubber prick-hole that plugs into your computer and tightens, vibrates, or self-lubricates in sync with whatever is happening in the 49 cent per minute videos that you watch from the RealTouch website. I browsed the gay porn stars’ headshots featured on the site, but they didn’t win me over, since their obligatory sullen pouts all seemed to say: “I just spent my last paycheck on a crack fix and now I have to make another damn movie.”

Another company called Pink is working on “augmented reality” porn, which means that their software can show 3D video of your favorite porn star lying next to you or wherever your webcam is pointed. They also plan to film porn videos where one actor is painted green, so when you watch the video with their software on your computer or phone, the green person disappears and is replaced by you as you appear on your webcam. Maybe I’d try it for kicks, but just for fun I’d wear a monkey costume or a bright yellow raincoat during the action, so I can laugh at how it looks on screen.

The stars of new porn technology will probably be sex robots. A company called True Companion has created a female sex-bot called “Roxxy,” who in her photos looks like a mannequin in lingerie, except that her mouth is open for action. She comes with five “personalities” from “frigid” to wild, and will sell for at least $7,000. True Companion says it’s also working on a guy sex-bot to be called Rocky. If that happens, I hope he’ll have a “no personality” option and won’t look too much like Sylvester Stallone.

I’m not too sure about replacing my future tricks or boyfriends with “bot-mates.” On one hand, they’ll save money on Manhunt subscriptions, pointless coffee dates, condoms, and lube. But on the other hand, what happens when sex-bots develop feelings and start demanding things like breakfast in bed, a BMW, and marriage rights? When that day eventually comes, I’ll be hiding in a cave in the mountains before robots decide that all humans are obsolete.

No matter what happens with porn in the future, I have a feeling that unless robots develop better taste than humans, porn videos will always have the same cheesy 70s style backbeats and lots of fake moaning and sighing. For me, the artificiality of porn will never compete with a real man, even if he does look a bit like Stallone.