One look around my gym lately at all of the straight eye candy, and it’s clear that the so-called “metrosexual” trend is going strong. Some of the straight hotties wear more revealing shirts or shorts than they used to, and are openly chatting with gay guys. Of course that’s all great with me. What I find hard to believe is that supposedly even straight guys are now kissing each other, at least virtually. This is according to T-Mobile, who recently announced that many guys now sign texts with an “x,” even to male friends. T-Mobile calls the X-texters “metrotextuals,” and says that 22 percent of all guys it surveyed do this, and three out of every four in the 18-to-22 year-olds. Half of all metrotextuals sign off with a lower case “x,” 17 percent use an upper case X, and one out of three go for multiple x’s, says T-Mobile. No word on French kissing – maybe an uppercase “FX”?

T-Mobile goes on to suggest that thanks to mobile phones and online social networks, guys who normally hold back from sharing their emotions can now communicate “non-verbally.” In other words, guys can text each other a hug or kiss without fear of being called gay.

I’m not sure this is a good thing. If everyone I know starts tossing around X’s and O’s like a game of tic-tac-toe, then how do I know when someone’s affections are real? I’m all for hugs, but does blowing X’s to people mean I’m obligated to kiss them in person? A few months ago, I met a guy online who signed most of his messages with x’s, and since I didn’t know him well, I was caught off-guard. If I sent x’s back, would he think I was already into him, or just being a faker copycat? I decided to sign off with just a smiley, because a smiley shows that I’m still a sweet guy, but not ready to commit to an XO relationship, let alone an XXX.

I eventually realized that my friend just likes to sign his messages that way, as some gay guys do. But straight guys are another story. If my straight friends start texting kisses to me and to each other, can extreme metrosexuality be far behind? I fear the day when my jeep-driving, straight in-laws will all buy Priuses, start wearing their shirts one size smaller, and want to start dishing about who was the hottest mess at the Oscars. If that day comes, my gaydar will be gone for good.

My fears were confirmed the other day when I saw an ad on Facebook for Dockers’ new “Wear the Pants” campaign. The ad shouts, “Men’s testosterone levels have dropped 17 percent between 1987 and 2004!” and features a two-minute video called “An Emasculating Truth.” The video starts off with the question, “Are men becoming less manly?” The answer is a definite yes, at least according to a few people interviewed on the street who say things like, “Men are definitely finding their feminine side,” and that men are becoming “too superficial” and “settling for less.” Why? “Things that you see on TV,” says one guy. “Chemicals we’re ingesting,” says another. And: “It’s probably in the condoms!” a woman jokes. The video then poses the question, “What does it take to be a man?” and shows the very “metro” looking young interviewer attempting to do “manly” things like ride a bull, hunt a deer, and leg-squat 250 lbs., while also doing “unmanly” things like getting his chest waxed and getting a face consultation from a plastic surgeon. The video ends by asking “Is Manhood in peril?” An older guy warns us that one day women will “eliminate men” and manage to procreate without us: “Probably in a thousand years there will be a few men and a lot of lesbians,” he deadpans.

It doesn’t seem to matter that, in reality, our testosterone free-fall is mostly due to American men’s increasing waistlines, because Dockers’ point is that men are losing their balls, before they actually lose their balls. What do to? Go buy some khaki slacks before your balls shrink permanently from your tight jeans.

Of course, any self-respecting metrosexual or gay guy wouldn’t be caught dead wearing old-school khakis, because besides being ill fitting, these slacks were the epitome of fashion-unconscious, vanilla male conformity. Dockers must have realized this, because they now carry pants in a variety of punchy colors, plus a line of “slim fit”, white-jeans-style slacks that the company suggests pairing with a Thom Browne style, retro-metro cardigan. Shrinking balls be damned – I guess our “metro” brothers aren’t yet ready for deer hunting. Perhaps bull riding? Well, I guess that depends on your definition.