The commercial food industry sometimes brings out the prankster in me. And what better time of year to test the wits and logic of those who keep us well fed at our local restaurants and grocery stores?

Instead of leaving my waiter an April Fool’s tip of a dozen penny rolls sprayed with my favorite cologne – or making a dinner reservation under the name of Sweet Baby Cheeks – I decided to push the envelope this year. Below are a few of the challenging questions I posed to customer service personnel working at popular food establishments, along with their candid answers.

Caller: I’ll be coming in with a bunch of kids today and was wondering if your restaurant carries any type of child-restraint devices?

Respondent: What kind of devices are you looking for exactly?

Caller: Something that can hold down their legs and hands.

Respondent: Hmmm…the only things we have are high chairs, but they unfortunately don’t have belts or harnesses attached to them.

Caller: Do you carry that new ham made from cows?

Respondent: Ham made from cows?

Caller: Yes, I bought some during the strike and it was pretty good.

Respondent: Let me put you on hold and check.

Caller: Okay

Respondent: I’m looking at the case and can’t figure out what kind of ham that is. (Pause.) Sorry, but ham is obviously a pork item, so I’m not sure what I’d be looking for. Maybe you should try calling back later and speak with our deli manager.

Caller: Can you give me any information about the onion-ring toss that I heard you’re holding this weekend?

Respondent: Ummm, I don’t know anything about that stuff.

Caller: It’s supposed to be held in your back parking lot.

Respondent: Mmmmm, I think they’re doing that at the El Cajon store, so you might want to give them a call.

Caller: Is it true that your restaurant is built directly above an active volcano?

Respondent: I’m not sure, but the Old Town Information Center would know.

Caller: Okay, but you’ve never felt any rumblings in the dining room?

Respondent: It’s hard to tell because we get so busy here.

Caller: Okay, thanks.

Caller: I’m thinking of decorating my living room in a German-sausage theme. Can you recommend any specific brands that I should use?

Respondent: You’re using German sausages for decor?

Caller: Yes

Respondent: I’m not sure what you’re trying to do there. We have all kinds of sausages – knockwurst, brockwurst, beer sausage – but you have to cook them or else they’ll go bad.

Caller: And then I can hang them up?

Respondent: Maybe you should just come in and look at what we have.

Caller: Okay, will do.

Caller: I was in last night and lost one of my shoes. Has anything shown up in your lost and found box today?

Respondent: What kind of shoe was it?

Caller: A burgundy-colored loafer

Respondent: Let me check the office. (Pause.) No, nothing’s turned up. Where were you sitting in the restaurant?

Caller: I can’t really remember because I drank so much wine.

Respondent: And you didn’t notice that your shoe was missing when you left here?

Caller: Not really.

Respondent: Well I don’t know what to tell you except to check back tomorrow.

Caller: I’ll be coming in for dinner tonight, but I’m on a very bland diet. Do you have any dishes that totally lack flavor?

Respondent: You can get sautéed vegetables or salad.

Caller: Hmm, even those might be too harsh for me.

Respondent: Then I don’t know if this is the best place for you. All of our dishes have a lot of flavor because there’s curry in them.

Caller: Bummer. Thanks.