Happy Pride! If you are expecting some profound words from me regarding Pride, I’m afraid I am not going to be preaching about it. Pride must come from within, and each of us has our own unique story of what Pride means. I do, however, have a few Pride dos and don’ts for those of you that are planning a big weekend. So here, then, is my Top 10 Pride Dos and Don’ts:

10. Stop bitching about the crowd. Just relax and go with the flow.

9. Hydrate yourself. Plain cold water is best, not only for cooling off, but it’s good for your skin.

8. Tone down a bit on the rainbow outfit. Rainbow hat, tank top, shorts and glasses are just a bit much at one time, on one body.

7. Buy your tickets in advance so you don’t have to wait in line and bitch.

6. If you have to do drag, wear sensible shoes. You’ll thank me for it.

5. Stop parking in my parking space. Leave the car behind.

4. If you have to show skin, leave a little to the imagination. Your friends would appreciate it.

3. If you are a hot, muscular guy – show us more skin. Intelligence will not be taken into account today.

2. Spandex is not for everyone. If it stretches more than two inches, it’s not for you. Unless, of course, you fit in with item 3. In which case, dial my hotline 1-800-Asia-To-Go.

And the number-one Pride DON’T: If you really want to party, leave “Tina” behind. We’d like to have you keep partying a long time!

I will be hosting the Imperial Court Drag Show at the Pride Main Stage on Saturday, July 31, at 8:45 p.m., right after Kristine W. Scheduled to perform are Sandie Entertainer of the Year Chad Michaels, Miss Gay international Penelope London, Miss Gay San Diego Justice Page Counce, Empress Cristina Monet, the fabulous Pheadra, Liberia, Empress candidate La La Too with Natalie Grace and Satin. There will be dancers, productions numbers and even a mariachi band. So come early and stake out a place. I promise you a great drag show.

Lucky Duck, the new musical at the Old Globe Theatre, is one funny and delightful show. Every cliché you can possible think off is pulled out of the box. Lucky Duck is the classic Cinderella story of the ugly duckling Serena, played by Marcy Harriell, from Poultry Nation. The costumes are brilliant, and the set is very clever, but it is the wit of the dialogue that will keep you in stitches.

Except for the main characters, the ensemble plays multiple roles superbly. Standouts were Stephen deRosa and Mary Beth Peil. But I love Elaine Marcos for her deadpan beauty and talent.

Lucky Duck is the feature tonight at Out at the Globe at 8:00 p.m., with a pre-show party at 6:30 p.m. Call (619) 23-GLOBE and mention Out at the Globe when ordering tickets. After the show, rush over to Taste of Szechuan for Peking Duck!

Tonight, Thursday, July 29, is the “It’s Raining Men” wet underwear contest finals at Bacchus House, with the winner taking home a $300 cash prize and second place taking home $100. Our sponsors are the Martin and Wall boutique and All Worlds Video, so there will be video giveaways. Our special guest porn performer is the hunky All World’s Video star Kent Larson.

Next weekend is coronation weekend at the Wyndham Emerald Plaza Hotel. Emperor Robi Cox and Empress Cristina and Reign XXXII have raised over $100,000 for charity. A big congratulations to all! La La Too and Chris Horton are the aspirants to the throne and we wish them good luck. For tickets, call Jess (619) 229-2822, or Linda at (619) 303-2384.

Many out-of-town royalties will be flocking to San Diego for the festivities. On Friday, Aug. 6, there will be a “Salute to New York” party at Bacchus House starting at 9:30 p.m., featuring the reigning Empress of New York, Ms. Trai LaTrash, who will be singing live. There will be a show, food, raffle and video giveaways, with all the money raised going to the Tijuana AIDS Fund. So come out and meet my New York gang and the rest of the out-of-town guests. It will be a blast!

The new Flame had a preview party last week to show off their new space. Owners Nick, Butch and Richard were on hand to give us a tour of the brand new space that is ultra hip, with fantastic lights and lasers and other cool gizmos. There are two multi-level dance floors and two bars, both of which are hi-tech. When completed, there will be two additional lounge areas. Some fun installations include a go-go dance pole, a neon fiber optic-lined elevated dance floor, a three layer cracked glass bar top, multiple large flat screen TVs and a hot-looking staff. Bad Puppies boys’ night takes place every Friday and Candy, the ultimate girl party, takes place every Saturday night. So, really, I get to enjoy both nights. There will be a long line this weekend so come early and look fabulous.

Bourbon Street – Friday, July 30, it’s the weekend kickoff with DJ Kenny spinning and go-go boys and girls. On Saturday, July 31, it’s Fabulous Bingo with Nicole and DJ Taj spinning all night. Then on Sunday, Aug. 1, Falcon star Bobby Williams will bartend and Debby Holiday will be singing “Dive” at 5:00 p.m. The first 200 at the bar will receive Bourbon Street’s three-disc Pride CD mixed by DJ Kenny, DJ Taj and DJ Brian Pfeiffer.

Club Montage – Huge parties all weekend! Two big boat cruises on Friday: one leather and one dance with Kimberly S. Launch party Friday night with DJs Kio Kio and Bryan Pruett. Proud party Saturday with Kristine W and DJ Alexander, plus Reload afterhours until 9:00 a.m. with DJ Paulo. Masterbeat party on Sunday, Aug. 1, with DJs Frank Abrahams and Brett Hendrichsen.

Rich’s – Friday night, DJ Alex Lauterstein of N.Y.C. spins. Hot go-go boys included. Rich’s will be open on Saturday for the parade from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., featuring DJ Derek. On Saturday night, legendary DJ David Harness of S.F. will be spinning house music. Sunday night L.L. Bear is back with “Beardown Full Throttle” with International Mr. Leather DJ Bill Bennett. Also, Unzipped Magazine presents “Ignition”, a live recording event that’s sure to sell out.

Brass Rail – Friday night, Brown Sugar is back. DJ MYXZLPLYX is in the house with your hip-hop favorites. Saturday is Noche Latino with DJ Klaus, DJ Rudy and DJ Fariba. Sunday night, DJ Klaus and DJ Tony will be in the house… Remember there is no cover from 1:00 to 8:00 p.m., so get there early.

San Diego Eagle – Friday is the Pride Warm-Up party with the hottest leather men in town. The infamous Underwear Party is on Saturday with hot, almost naked men. Then on Sunday, come for the annual afternoon barbecue.

Numbers – Thursday, get a jump-start on the festivities with the Pride Kickoff Party, no cover and hip-hop all night long. Friday night is the Bad Kitties Pride Party – the biggest, baddest and sure to be better than the lackluster Catwoman. Sorry, Halle. Saturday is Player – the boy party. It’s sure to be a helluva good time. Sunday night is After Zoo Party. Advanced tickets are on sale now.

Bacchus House – Five Days of Pride already started with the weekly Musica Pasion y Latina with Franceska on Wednesday night, but continues tonight with the Wet Underwear Contest Finals with me hosting and $1 well drinks. Friday, it’s Resurrection Retro Disco and ’80s dance party, Levi & Leather, DJ Dallas and the Pucker Fab Boys. Saturday, DJ Jon Williams spins, with Pride ’04 CD giveaways, the Smirnoff Twisted Boys and the Jack Daniels Boys. Sunday, Club Notorious starts at 6:00 a.m. – the Morning After Party. The house is open all day on Sunday, with happy hour starting at 1:00 p.m. Club Domingo Uncut starts at 8:30 p.m., with DJ Ruben Casas 10:00 p.m. and $2.50 Coronas and margaritas.