Golan Cipel says he’s not gay and was sexually harassed by New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey. Am I supposed to shed a tear here? The New Jersey doctor who claims to have had a sexual relationship with Cipel was arrested last week for impersonating an FBI agent. Sorry to have wasted 286 characters and spaces. Graham Norton had Carson Cressley recently on his show on Comedy Central and mentioned the XXX-rated Queer Eye for the G.I. video, produced by All Worlds Video in San Diego. If you frequent Kickers and have been tempted to park in the lot across the street from the San Diego Eye Care on Third Ave., DO NOT. You will be towed. There is a self-appointed vigilant who has been having cars towed. I’ve been a victim and I have a reserved space there. Wait ’til he experiences the wrath of a drag queen. I strongly urge support of a trans-inclusive ENDA bill in Congress. Protection must be for all of us, not some of us. A N.Y.C. judge ruled that Zagat is not liable for defamation for its bad review of the drag restaurant Lucky Cheng’s in the east village of Manhattan. I worked at Lucky Cheng’s when it first opened many years ago, and everyone who is anyone from the fashion, sports and entertainment industries flocked to see the queens. I believe that a restaurant has the right to seek recourse from a guidebook that makes its money solely based on the reviews it publishes, especially if these reviews are based on anonymous consumer ratings. The Associated Press reports that a mustached man donning a green sundress made off with $4,000 from a bank inside a Kroger store in Collierville, Tenn. The witnesses said the robber was obviously male, given away by his muscular legs – and the mustache. I can provide an alibi for Ophelia that she was with me at the time of the incident. We were at the Piggly Wiggly. I will be off to New York City for the Labor Day week, just after the Republican convention. It was purposely planned that way.

After this weekend, I’m going to buy stocks in Arena, the makers of those sinfully sexy swimsuits at the Olympics. I keep hoping and waiting for Michael Phelps’ trunks to slide down even further. There were so many hot bodies at the Olympics, if I were to assemble a dream sex swim team it’ll star Michael Phelps, Ian Thorpe, Aaron Piersol and Pieter Van Den Hoogenvan. With Michael being in 18 events, instead of Debbie Does Dallas, it’ll be “Michael Strokes Athens”. And how about the Hamm twins – if they were in a sex video, it might be called “Eating Hamm Twice”. But just how do you scream, at your climactic moment of ecstasy, “Oh baby, oh yeah, oh Van Den Hoogenvan”? Maybe Pieter will scream my name instead. My favorite gymnasts are the sexy Marian Dragulesku from Romania and Aleksei Nemov from Russia. But somehow Coco Dragulesku just does not sound right. I think the “Top Bitch with Attitude” award has got to go to Svetlana Khorkina. She reminds me of the has-been supermodel Janice Dickerson. Ouch! By the way, when they say D.Q. at the Olympics, they are not referring to Drag Queens.

On Friday, Aug. 27, come to The Hole for “Not Your Ordinary Birthday Show” marking the birthday of my much older sister, Cristina Monet. You might remember her as the Imperial Court empress who just stepped down, and she’s celebrating her golden years. Just how do you try to describe an old queen nicely? There will be entertainment, raffle, cake and laughter. Doors open at 7:00 p.m.; the show is at 8:00 p.m. There is a $5 door donation and all monies go to benefit Ordinary Miracles.

On Sunday, Aug. 29, a group of my oldest, dearest friends are putting together a birthday soiree for moi at Numbers at 7:00 p.m. Don’t even try asking my age, because Asian ladies of good breeding always lie about their age. My friend, Mrs. Chiang Kai Chiek will certainly vouch for that. There will be a super Glamazon Show, a divalicious buffet, a fierce “tchotchkes” auction and some sinful surprises. Your very generous donation will go to benefit The Coco LaChine Scholarship Fund. Gifts of jewelry, Botox and real estate also welcome. Please come and share some fun with me. I’ll even welcome a roast for a small donation. I will be bringing my big, black book to mark off the good queens that show up. You wouldn’t want to be on my B list now, would you?

Happy birthday also to my all-time favorite art guru, Todd Marflake, who’s genius with Photoshop always seems to lift my spirit just a little bit more.

Yup, that’s Liza with a Z. The tragic sister that we all love was at Humphrey’s by the Bay last week and she sang her heart to a sell-out, older and very gay audience. Ms. Minnelli is noticeably older and heavier than the young girl we met at Cabaret, but she has not lost her energy and pizzazz. With her signature hairstyle, layers of false lashes, the vintage Halston and her favorite MAC cosmetics that she constantly wipes off with a white washcloth every time she glistens (nice ladies don’t sweat), Liza could do no wrong. Even when her voice seems to crack a bit here and there, and the last high note seems unreachable, she digs real deep to give the audience what they have come to love for the last 30 years. When she belted out “The Man I Love”, the audience went wild because Liza does not just sing, she pours her heart and soul out. The Cabaret suite was the high point of the show, especially when she hopes “Maybe This Time”. Her encore number was “New York, New York”, what else? After the reception she got in San Diego, I have no doubt she’ll be back. And no matter what size, shape or form, we’ll always love her!

After months of renovation and working out the kinks, The Flame is ready to officially burst open its door. Grand opening weekend starts with the Bad Puppies Launch Party for the boyz on Friday, Aug. 27, and the Candy Launch Party for lez girls on Saturday, Aug. 28. You’ll love the two hi-tech dance floors with great sound and laser show and the two really cool bars. There’ll be great music, drink specials, go-go dancers and cool people. Come have a shot with me. The new Flame is sizzling hot!

Rich’s new theme night, U-Turn, featuring deep soulful house, some New Rican house (which is that great Latin sound heard on dance floors across the country), and some special live performances, is on the second and fourth Thursdays of the month. Also, Club PAPI will be back on Saturday, Sept. 4. Start off Saturday night with Fabulous Bingo With Nicole at Bourbon Street, and then super DJ Brian Pfeifer spins the latest circuit sounds beginning at 9:00 p.m. The Brass Rail has a new night on Wednesday called Girlfriends Night Out, with drink specials, door prizes, music from the ’70s, ’80s and more. Ladies, if you have a rockin’ rear like J Lo, then get yourself over to Numbers’ Bad Kitties night on Friday, Aug. 27, for their Best Booty Contest. Your junk in the trunk could net you a cool $100. Sign up by 10:00 p.m. and get ready to shake, rattle and roll your jelly. Bacchus House kicks off Hispanic Month on Wednesday, Sept. 1, with Fiesta With Franceska at 9:30 p.m. and $2.50 Coronas and Midori Margarita specials. On Saturday, Sept. 4, the boys behind the bar show off their Speedos for the Beach Party, with DJ Jon Williams, and the Smirnoff Boys. Finally on Sunday, Sept. 5, it’s Club Domingo Uncut “Fiesta en la Playa” with Rosanna at 9:30 p.m. Club Montage throws a Virgo Party for John and Dave on Saturday, Aug. 28, with DJ Mike Duretto. Saturday, Sept. 4, it’s the Montreal Black & Blue pre-party with DJ Phil B. Win a five-day package – hotel and two VIP passes to all events. Afterhours until 4:00 a.m. Dance on the sand at the Morning Party-8 at West Street Beach in Laguna Beach on Sunday, Aug. 29, from 12:00 to 5:00 p.m. Groove to the beat of DJ Mike Duretto! Fifty clams is all it takes to have a great time down by the sea, and that includes all drinks, too. The official after party is at The Boom Boom Room, starting at 4:00 p.m.