As you read this column, I will be in New York City just after the Republican convention. If you have not traveled lately, there’s something new at San Diego airport. It is the “Trace Portal Machine”, a machine that detects explosive substance. You walk into a chamber, much like a shower stall and a door closes in front of you. A voice guides you through the process and short bursts of air pump out from different directions making you feel like Marilyn Monroe in Some Like it Hot. You wait in the booth until the light turns green and the door opens. This takes about 15 seconds but it feels like minutes with you wondering why it’s taking so long. Now all this before you even go through the metal detector machine. And yes, you still have to take your shoes off. I hope this does not mean we will see these machines in schools, train stations and sports stadiums. And yet people are worried about same-sex marriage?

Even if I am not Republican, I tuned in to watch the convention just to hear what they had to say. Like the Democratic convention, this was well orchestrated and themed. So, here are some of my observations and questions.

Ex-N.Y.C. Mayor Guilliani and Senator John McCain gave impassioned speeches about the virtues of President Bush. Are they talking about the same person we know that lives in the White House? The recurring message throughout the convention is there’s still much to be done, and they want four more years. I don’t remember Bush telling us in 2000 that he needed eight years to do the job.

Governor Schwarzenegger gave a crowd-pleasing speech, without missing a cue or faltering. I heard he was in the same English remedial class as the President. The only difference is that Arnold passed the test this time.

And what about Sen. Zell Miller from Georgia? Have you ever heard a more bitter, whiny man? If he truly hates where the Democrats are heading, then switch parties already. Or is he just aiming for his 15 seconds in a sad, pathetic way?

I kept on waiting for someone to mention that Halliburton has been awarded $18 billion worth of government war contract. Silly me.

When V.P. Cheney brought his family up on stage after his speech, Mary Cheney was noticeably absent. Has she gone back into the closet or did they force her in? It’s sad that political expediency and family economic considerations would take over self-respect. Hello Mary, can you hear me now?

Two terms were definitely never uttered during the convention – Osama bin Ladin and weapons of mass destruction. Oh, how soon they conveniently forget.

Hats off to ACT UP for protesting the President’s lame response to AIDS, and to all others whose voices need to be heard as well. I’m also tired of Republicans accusing those that do not agree with the war of not supporting our troops. I know of no Americans who do not support the troops. In fact, it is precisely because of our troops, almost 1,000 whose lives have been lost, that I personally grieve for. I will get off my soapbox now. Thank you.

Mark your calendar, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network is hosting a big fundraising dance in the hanger deck aboard the U.S.S. Midway aircraft carrier on Saturday, Sept. 18 with fab DJ David Knapp, of the Roxy and Limelight in New York City. There is a host of events all weekend starting with an opening party on Thursday at Bourbon Street. On Friday, spend happy hour at the Top of the Park, and then head on to Rich’s for the Men’s Party and Numbers for the Women’s Party. Saturday, after the Midway dance, Club Montage hosts the afterhours party. Finally on Sunday, the closing party takes place at Hamburger Mary’s.

Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN) is a national, nonprofit legal services, watchdog and policy organization dedicated to ending discrimination against and harassment of military personnel affected by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and related forms of intolerance. Go to www.gaylesbiantimes.com for ticket information.

About two weeks ago, some friends and members of the Imperial Court got together and put on a birthday show for me at Numbers. We were able to raise over $1,000 for the Coco LaChine Scholarship Fund. The scholarship is administered by the Youth Enrichment Services of The Community Center in N.Y.C. Over the past five years, the fund has given over $10,000 to GLBT youth between the ages of 18 and 24. My deep gratitude and thanks to Nicole Murray-Ramirez for spearheading this effort, and most especially to Empress Lala Too for organizing the show. Special thanks to the guys at Numbers – Richard Britton, Nick Moede and Butch Von Ryan – for donating their space to the event.

Mickey Rooney is putting on a show for San Diego at the Spreckels Theatre on Saturday, Sept. 25 at 8:00 p.m. This is a dual celebration of Mickey’s 84th birthday and his 80th anniversary in show business. Together, with his wife of 30 years, Jan Chamberlain Rooney, the show is produced by Tom Brown and will benefit Special Delivery San Diego, a foundation dedicated to the daily preparation and delivery of nutritional meals for people living with AIDS/HIV in the San Diego area. The show will also features Julie Sheppard as Judy Garland, who appeared in a solo cabaret show at Bourbon Street almost a year ago.

The event will showcase Mickey’s colorful life from the tender age of three to the present through music, film clips and outtakes. It will also include a special tribute to Judy Garland, plus taped celebrity well wisher such as Bill Cosby, Debbie Reynolds and Liza Minelli, who was interviewed when she performed at Humphrey’s by the Bay a few weeks ago. I had the good fortune of seeing Mickey on Broadway with Ann Miller in Sugar Babies many years ago when I was a mere child. (No comment from the bleachers please!) Recently, Special Delivery lost their Ryan White grant of $180,000, so they can really use our help to continue providing this essential service to our community. For tickets, call TicketMaster (619) 220-8497, Special Delivery (619) 297-7373 or get them at The Obelisk bookstore.

Movie/TV star and cabaret legend Andrea Marcovicci will be performing at Schroeder’s Club and Cabaret on the occasion of a weekend-long fundraising effort on behalf of the Disabled American Veterans. All money raised from the show will be used toward a new van specially equipped for use by veterans being transported to and from the VA Hospital. Please call (858) 794-9044 or visit www.gaylesbiantimes.com for information on reservations and tax-deductible ticket information on these concerts which will be held Friday, Sept. 10 and Saturday, Sept. 11 at 8:00 p.m. and Sunday, Sept. 12 at 3:00 p.m. Schroeder’s Club and Cabaret is at the Westin Horton Plaza, 910 Broadway Circle. The Schroeder’s Club has been featuring top-notch talents, so go and enjoy an evening of cabaret!

All Worlds Video director Rafael is hosting a premier party for his new video Pancho Villa – Sexual Revolución on Wednesday, Sept. 15 at Hamburger Mary’s. The Brass Rail has a new Girlfriends Night Out on Wednesday night with drink specials and DJ Klaus spinning. Their Latin nights on Thursday and Saturday are also going strong. Rich’s new Wednesday night called “Heaven” now features the winner of the DJ Idol contest – DJ Finbarr Massi. No cover and $1.00 well drinks from 9:00 p.m.–12:00 midnight. Rich’s next big party is “Cockblock” on Saturday Sept. 11th, a dance party for athletes and their athletic supporters. Are you getting the jock itch?

A big welcome to the new owners of Bourbon Street, two swell guys from Philly. Bourbon Street’s new $2 Tuesday is in full swing, with $2 drinks from 9:00 p.m. until closing or just $1 with college or military ID. I wonder if being interested in military service qualifies for the cheap drink. DJ Steve and DJ Taj will be spinning, and karaoke is in the main bar.

Bacchus House has DJ Jon Williams on Saturday with Absolut specials and Kylie Minogue DVD giveaways. Sunday’s Club Domingo Uncut celebrates Mexico’s Independence Day with the Folklore Ballet and Ranchero Singers at 9:30 p.m. DJ Ruben Casas spins from 10:30 p.m. and $2.50 Corona and margaritas all night.

The Go Go Boyz Contest with Bianca at Numbers is the place to be on Tuesday nights. So shake your booty all the way to the bounty.

Bad Puppies at The Flame is the perfect place to adopt a puppy of the two-legged kind. The new Flame is packing them in with hot studs every Friday night, but make sure they are house trained and do not expect to be served breakfast the next morning.