“It’s hard work!” President Bush repeatedly whined during the first debate. Duh! Did he think the presidency would be as easy as his stint in the National Guard? John Kerry was outstanding, but I seriously think the hair needs a revamp. As a matter of fact, Theresa could use a better hairstyle as well. Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Kerry wore almost identical Oscar de la Renta suits; their secretary should be fired for this social faux pax. The president’s advisers must be slapping themselves; they forgot to coach Bush more than one punch line. Bush denied that Iraq’s Prime Minister Allawi was his puppet. Oh yeah, neither is Kermit the Frog. It’s interesting that the election in Iraq is scheduled for after our elections, not before. If they made movies of the two men, I suggest Clint Eastwood plays Kerry in Hairspray 2 and Jim Carrey as Bush in Still Clueless. I propose a constitutional amendment to ban political spinners after any debate. It’s amazing that they think we are stupid enough to buy into their world of make-believe. The election is less than four weeks away. Let’s not blow this way!

These days, I’m hooked on the new TV shows on FX (Channel 68). “Nip Tuck” is a drama about cosmetic surgery, and much more interesting than “Extreme Makeover”, “Dr 90210”, or even “Miami Slice” (no, it’s not a soda, nor does it star Don Johnson). One show tells the horror stories of a traveling Botox specialist who operated out of a nail salon. I always believe that if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t true. You wouldn’t order matzoh ball soup from a Chinese restaurant, would you?

But my favorite cable show is “Rescue Me”, a show about a firehouse post-9/11. There is a lot of nudity, sex, adult language, sex, sleeping around and sex. You get the picture. One old episode had starred Daniel Sunjata using a metal cock ring during sex, and it gets stuck. So he panics and in order to save embarrassment, calls his fellow firefighter to blowtorch it apart. OUCH! Another episode has the firefighters competing on who have the biggest tool. Talk about size queens! Their method was to add the length and the girth. Anyway, Daniel proudly proclaims that his crown jewels are 9 3/4-by-6 inches. Oh dear, he ought to be in porn. But he may not be overestimating his prize possession. I saw him on stage in New York in last season’s Tony award-winning play, Take Me Out. He plays the role of a gay baseball player coming to terms with his sexuality and dealing with a bunch of macho teammates. Daniel and his co-stars appear on stage naked in the locker room and actually take a shower on stage. Even without my binoculars, I was hot, bothered and bewildered by his manhood. In fact, Take Me Out is coming to The Old Globe in early 2005, and the picture shown in their ads is that of the awesome Mr. Sunjata. The Old Globe should schedule a gay week, instead of a night, for us to see the show. I’m reserving front row center and I don’t care how much it costs!

Empress Lala Too celebrates her birthday this month with a birthday show on Sunday, Oct. 17, at Numbers. She was born in Subic Bay, home of the U.S. Naval Base in the Philippines. So it should come as no surprise that she ended up in San Diego. If you are curious how old my sister will be, let’s just say AARP will be calling on her soon. Come for a dinner buffet at 6:30 p.m. and the show starts at 7:30 p.m. I will be hosting the show and just wait until the empress roast begins, all with love and charity in mind, of course. A $10 donation benefits the Ben F. Dillingham Community Grant. After that, a group of us will be flying to Hawaii to continue the birthday celebration.

There are so many good restaurants in the Hillcrest area; it is sometimes hard to decide where to go. Among my favorites are Arrivederci, LaVache, Ono Sushi, Hamburger Mary’s and Chef Lau’s. As the evenings get a little nippier, I wanted to enjoy a few more dining-al-fresco experiences before it gets too cold. So I went over to Antico Toscano on 1288 University Ave.; this fine Italian restaurant never disappoints. The food is always excellent. I always enjoy the crispy calamari made even better by the fresh marinara dipping sauce. My other “usual” selection is either the Cioppino or the Osso Buco. But this time I had their special linguini with chunks of halibut, lump crabmeat, mushrooms and artichokes in a light garlic cream sauce. A glass of wine and I’m in heaven. One of the best reasons other than the food is the service. They are really nice people, especially Tony. Gracie Senoire!

You know the holidays are coming when those catalogs start filling up your mailbox. My most anticipated catalogs are those of Victoria’s Secret and Neiman Marcus. I keep on hoping the diamond-encrusted bra will go on clearance soon. But the Neiman Marcus catalog is filled with fantasy items, when money is no object. Consider a Zeppelin of your own that you can take 15 of your dearest friends for a ride in. It is about 230 feet long and 60 feet wide, just a little over 30 times the size of my apartment. The price is a mere $10 million, and you’ll have to provide your own parking space. If you’re afraid of heights, how about your very own underwater aviator, a more advanced technology than the conventional subs? At 22 feet long, it weighs a lean 3,800 pounds and can dive 1,500 feet. And it only costs $1.7 million. But I do not want you to go broke on my account, so I would be very happy with a Valentino couture gown in brown silk chiffon and lace tiered skirt. Of course, you’ll have to fly me to Paris for a custom fitting and stay at the Ritz Carlton. But don’t worry, this package will only set you back $325,000. My phone lines are now open.

Yup, it’s time to start dreaming of those ghoulish outfits for the dress-up event of the year. The Center’s annual soiree, between University Avenue and Blain Street on Normal Street, will feature live entertainment, go-go dancers and a Bud Light beer garden. Enter the costume contest and compete for more than $1,000 in prizes. The fun starts at 7:00 p.m. and a $5 donation will be accepted at the entrance to benefit programs at The Center. For more information, contact Summer Morse at (619) 692-2077 ext. 247. After that, you can practically bar-crawl from club to club, enter as many costume contests as you can and win even more money.

Are you tired of waiting in line to party? Well, you won’t have to anymore if you head over to the VIP Party (one night only) at The Flame on Friday, Oct. 8. You will be given a VIP card and you will never have to stand in line or pay cover on Fridays. Now that’s cool!

Rich’s 13th-anniversary party is on Saturday Oct. 9. Simone Denny will be singing her hit song “All Things” from “Queer Eye”. Doors open at 8:00 p.m., with free VIP cards from 8:00 to 10:00 p.m. Then on Sunday, legendary DJ Barry Harris of Thunderpuss will be spinning.

Bacchus House always boasts young, handsome bartenders! But did you know that some of them also look fab in drag? Join them for the Staff Turnabout Fundraiser on Saturday, Oct. 16, and watch these tranny-in-training mix up some nasty drink specials for charity. And it’s not even Halloween yet!

Bourbon Street will have a Blue Velvet reunion with Kevin Cavanaugh on Monday, Oct. 11. Join the boys for martini happy hours ($2 martinis on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and $3 martinis on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays) and enjoy snazzy concoctions such as the watermelon martini, Bellini and good ole’ cosmo.

Thursday and Saturday nights are Noche Latino at The Brass Rail. I can provide personal testimonial: I met my new boyfriend there.

Congratulations to Club Montage on their eighth anniversary. The remodeled, revamped, reborn Montage celebrates Octoberfest this Saturday, Oct. 9, with DJ Eddie X from Miami spinning.