Openly gay author Neil Kaminsky first told gay men how to get rid of unwanted baggage in his book, When It’s Time To Leave Your Lover: A Guide For Gay Men. Now Kaminsky returns, with a book that tells gay men how to attract and maintain “marriage material” — a man they won’t be itching to ditch after a few months. Kaminsky’s book also offers gay men the tools to discern just when they should hang in there, and how to weather fear and uncertainty. The author will make an appearance at Obelisk Bookstore in Hillcrest, this Sunday, June 29, at 5:00 p.m. Kaminsky will sign, share advice and answer questions about his new book, Affirmative Gay Relationships: Key Steps in Finding a Life Partner. Kaminsky spoke with the Gay and Lesbian Times recently about his latest offering.

Just what constitutes an “affirmative gay relationship?” Kaminsky’s definition is one that is “positive and working well” — one that helps facilitate the growth of both partners.

Though the book addresses how to find and maintain a committed relationship, the definition of commitment is what ultimately works for the couple.

“The hope of many gay men is to have something that’s going to be a long-term relationship,” he said, “ but there’s no guarantee in that…. Committed is maybe that both people are really happy in what they’re in at that moment in time — something that’s workable.

“It’s funny, … usually the people that are [saying they want a long-term relationship] are high-quality people, good people. So you sort of have to ask, ‘Well, if so many people are saying they want this, but there are so many people complaining that they don’t have it, what’s wrong with this picture?’ My perspective on it is that we’re all putting the energy into the wrong place. We really need to look within, because there’s no kind of society of them out there that are making bad relationships — it’s you and me. It’s not that we’re bad people, but we’re not aware of certain things….”

In his experience, Kaminsky said that, contrary to social norms, most gay men are indeed looking for a committed, long-term relationship

“A lot of people want that,” he said. “I mean, at least they say that…. The point of the book is that a lot of people kind of get in their own way because they’re not clear about things. They may not be ready at a certain time in their life — maybe they’re very involved with their work and they don’t realize that a relationship is a big time commitment.”

Asked whether monogamy is essential for a healthy and committed relationship, Kaminsky said it depends on the individual couple.

“When I say committed or even long-term relationship, it does not necessarily mean a monogamous relationship,” he stressed. “It depends on the people who are in it. Some people can love each other very much and be very committed and be there for the other person, but there’s a bilateral decision that they also want to have outside sexual involvement. For some people that works.

“I don’t think anyone can categorically say one thing is more healthy than the other,” Kaminsky added. “The most healthy thing is being honest about what you need and where you’re coming from and really communicating that to your partner — that is healthy. When you say, “I don’t need to be having outside sexual liaisons and you really do need it and … you lie to your partner, then you’ve got problems. So, honesty is the issue.”

So what are so many gay men doing wrong that prevents them from finding lasting, quality relationships?

“So many people are saying, ‘I want a relationship,’ but the energy is focused out there,” said Kaminsky. “All the losers are out there; all the liars are out there…. Internalized homophobia is a big part of it. You know, we’re all raised with the thought of, ‘Can two men really work out? Isn’t that sort of impossible?’ And sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We kind of believe this on an unconscious level, maybe….”

Affirmative Gay Relationships also discusses how control issues and anxiety can throw a monkey wrench into the most seemingly solid relationships.

“Often, in the early stages [of a relationship], when all of the sudden they start seeing this person as human and realize they’re starting to get committed, they realize there’s things they don’t like about the person, because we’re all human…. Ultimately, if you deal with the anxiety, it can resolve itself and you can develop a really good relationship.”

Kaminsky also urges gay men to relax and not appear so desperate — a definite turn-off.

“Part of it is a mindset…. ‘I’ve got to find someone tonight.’ … Just try to relax and frame the situation — ‘This is just a party I’m going out to. I don’t have to have a lover tonight.’ Just being there is successful enough. I also talk about how body language is important — and to not dominate a conversation.”

The author also attempts to dissolve gay men’s fears of rejection, as in social situations where they may not feel comfortable approaching a group of men they dont know talking at a party.

“I talk about when you’re at a party and you see three people and you go, ‘Oh, I could never go and break into that. I don’t belong there.’ I question that — where’s the logic to that? I kind of give some exercises that come from cognitive therapy about the rationality of that.”

As for actually meeting “Mr. Right, Kaminsky said it is possible to meet a quality partner just about anywhere.

“You really can meet someone anywhere, even in the sex club…. I would not recommend that, but it’s absolutely possible…. The demands characteristic of a bathhouse are quick sex and anonymity and running out the door, but that doesn’t mean you can’t break those social rules if you found someone you like…. Bars are great for some people, are poison for others. Bars are not good or bad; they’re just what they are…. And I talk about online, about work, about letting people know that you’re available — not being ashamed of that. You can meet someone in the grocery store.”