Let’s face it. We’re all indefensible guinea pigs of the food industry, which attacks us daily with product images that spittoon our wallets when those faintest of hunger pangs set in. Whether it’s a television commercial flaunting some new promotional burger at Carl’s Jr., or the latest chicken on a stick causing chaos in the frozen food aisles at Costco, our eyes can lead us into exciting new food discoveries when we’re not being deceived by showy packaging and advertising braggadocio.

Beginning with this issue, Gay & Lesbian Times restaurant critic Frank Sabatini Jr. tackles the retail food market with product reviews that will appear on this page the first Thursday of every month. He’ll tell us if something is worth every cent or worthy of the garbage disposal; easy to prepare or the cause of your latest kitchen calamity.

Description: Link-shaped soy protein that appears at a glance like traditional Italian sausage. Pale brown color is achieved with beet powder and wheat gluten. Flavor is derived from dried garlic, paprika and fennel seed. The “sausages” are the latest in the Boca line of soy burgers, meatballs and chicken filets.

Preparation summary: Cook when frozen. Skillet method requires oil and takes about 10 minutes. Links cook in their individual plastic wrappings in about one-and-a-half minutes in the microwave. Or place directly on a grill for 12 minutes.

Highpoints: Makes kitchen smell like real Italian sausage is cooking. Fast, convenient and no saturated fat. Texture resembles meat and includes tiny bits of condensed soy to resemble gristle. Can pass muster when topped with fried bell peppers and onions in a hoagie roll.

Lowpoints: Eating one plain can cause people to take up hunting.

Retail price: $4.49 for a box of four.

Availability: Freezer sections of Whole Foods and various supermarket chains.

Description: A tomato based, pizza-flavored soup from Campbell’s that contains pasta shaped like trophy cups, racecars and dragsters.

Preparation summary: Mix soup with one can of water and heat on stovetop or in microwave.

Highpoints: None to report other than the can’s easy peel-off metal lid.

Lowpoints: Spooky broth has odd consistency and doesn’t taste anything like pizza, but rather like those funny tomato sauces in canned spaghetti products. The sugar content is high and readily detectable – 13 grams in a half-cup serving. Anemic pasta appears defectively shaped and tastes mealy. Worse yet, the soup doesn’t pair with any type of sandwich.

Retail price: $1.50 per 10 3/4-ounce can.

Availability: All major supermarkets.

Description: A casserole-type side dish assembled with separate packets of dried potato flakes, powdered seasoning mix, yellow cheese sauce and breadcrumbs.

Preparation summary: Three-step oven preparation takes a few minutes to complete before baking for 18 to 24 minutes. Dried potatoes and seasoning powder are mixed with water and butter in a two-quart casserole dish then topped with contents of “cheese pouch” before baking. Breadcrumbs are sprinkled over casserole after cooking. Stovetop and microwave instructions listed on side of box require extra steps and don’t yield optimal results.

Highpoints: Pleasantly cheesy and slightly less fake tasting than other instant mashed potato products. Crunchy edges worth fighting over with dinner guests.

Lowpoints: Mysterious white seasoning powder contains too many processed ingredients and resembles street narcotics. Cheese sauce forms a watery puddle over the top layer until casserole cools down. Stomach feels void of nutrition after the spuds are consumed.

Retail price: $2.99 (yields five servings).

Availability: Most major supermarkets.