I’ve decided to throw my wig into the mayoral race. I can’t promise that I’ll solve the pension fund deficit, but I can promise you I’ll look coordinated all the time. I will also make it my first priority to keep bars open ‘til 4:00 a.m. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which originated from the Old Globe Theatre, just received 11 Tony nominations, including Best Musical and Best Actor nods for Norbert Leo Butz and John Lithgow. Michael Jackson is really in a pickle. His witnesses include young boys who testified that nothing happened. So he essentially admits that he sleeps with young boys. The mothers testified the same, which calls into question their judgments. The same way the defense is painting a bad picture of the accuser’s mom. Granted I was not there – neither were the mothers – in the bedroom, but if I were a juror, Michael would be seeing bars. It’s TV season finale time. By tonight, you’ll know who the new apprentice is. We may not know who the father of Eva’s child is in “Desperate Housewives,” and I hope Rob and Amber (I like them!) win “The Amazing Race,” which airs after my press deadline. I am also hooked on “American Idol,” and betting that Bo wins. And speaking of “Idol,” Corey Clark is nothing but an opportunistic loser. I wouldn’t pay a dollar for his book, even if he throws in the CD for free. Funny thing is, why isn’t Paula suing? Shame on ABC for even airing the stupid trash. Spokane’s conservative Republican Mayor Jim West was busted chatting with young teens on Gay.com, and then offering them city jobs. The Spokesman-Review reported allegations that West had abused two boys while he was a sheriff’s deputy and Boy Scout leader in the late 1970s and early 1980s. He built his political career on conservative issues, including a condemnation of gay rights. Jim West just beat out Corey Clark as the “Loser of the Week.”

Every girl’s dream is to be Miss Glamouresse; at least that’s the premise of Pageant, playing at the Cygnet Theatre until May 22. The hopefuls are Miss Texas, Miss Deep South, Miss Bible Belt, Miss Great Plains, Miss Industrial North East and Miss West Coast. This is NOT a drag pageant, but the girls are played by men. I saw the play when it opened off-Broadway many years ago; when my friend David Drake played Miss Deep South (David went on to write and appear in his own one-man play, The Night Larry Kramer Kissed Me). As I’d never been to the Cygnet Theatre, I was very pleasantly impressed with what a nice little theater it is, with really comfortable tiered seating.

What can you say about six men playing very serious pageant queens competing in categories for evening gowns, talent, spokesmodel and yes… swimsuit? The result is one hilarious evening of camp, whimsy and unbelievable talents. Miss Deep South did a three-voice ventriloquist act; Miss Texas did an Ann Miller-esque western number while riding on a kid’s wooden horse; Miss West Coast performed a Martha Graham-inspired interpretive dance; and Miss Bible Belt did an evangelical song and dance number looking like Ann Margaret. Need I say more?

The spokesmodel competition was even more twisted, as each contestant introduces a new Glamouresse product ranging from a giant gourmet lipstick, to a spackle foundation (I know a few drag queens who would benefit from this), to a solar-energy hair-roller system that also receives HBO.

Five audience members were randomly selected to be judges, and of course I got picked. Being from the East Coast, I was rooting for the Consuela Rafaela who appeared in a cha-cha dress and very tragic hair. Too bad, Maria from Secret Wig in North Park could have whipped up some fabulous do. In the end, the winner that night was Miss Deep South, with her deadpan, camera-frozen face and her Scarlett O’Hara powder-blue ball gown. Runner-up Miss Texas, a pageant pro, is the quintessential bitter queen, and her stare alone is worth the ticket price. Go see Pageant before the girls kill each other, at Cygnet Theatre on El Cajon and Montezuma. Call (619) 337-1525 for tix.

When I’m alone and life is getting me lonely… my sister Cristina Monet and I venture downtown to ogle at straight boys. I know a place to go where they never seem to close – the new Brians’ downtown! Located at the Ramada Hotel at 828 Sixth Ave. The boys did an amazing job transforming the old Café 828 into a very cool eatery and drinkery. The huge chandelier and impressive bar is the focal point, complementing the beveled glass partition affording a view of the hotel lobby. The hip interior belies the comfort-food menu that you have come to expect from Brians’, with a few additional items. But the best deal is that Brians’ downtown is open late on weekends, actually 24 hours from Thursday to Sunday night. You know how difficult it is to find a decent restaurant after 10:00 p.m. in this town, now you don’t have to settle for Denny’s or Jack in the Box. So despite the lack of parking, get yourself downtown and listen to the music of the traffic in the city. Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty, and then feed your hungry soul in an old familiar place. Brians’ is waiting for you downtown.

Are you just as tired of getting online, looking for hookups and ending up with guys who are into endless e-mails, collecting pics and either not showing up or showing up but not looking like their pictures? Well, I know one Booty call that’s a sure thing – Booty Call at LIPS on Friday nights, starting at 12:00 midnight. Tootie and her nasty girls serve up one raunchy show (that they would like to but can’t do during dinnertime), hosted by Spanky, for a rip-roaring good time, with $3 Purple Hooters and Red Headed Whore shot specials, $2 domestics and really naughty contests. Watch Tootie have her way with eager straight boys (and girls), and you might get lucky after the girls get them all horned up. Get discount admission by calling (619) 295-7900. Nasty girls, cheap drinks, fun show… it beats staring at the monitor.

The Nicky Awards are this Sunday, May 15, at the Westin Horton Plaza. I’m nominated in the “Impersonator” category. I didn’t know I was impersonating anyone. And while they say that “it’s an honor just to be nominated” along with 200 others, I’ll be a bitter if I lose again. I could also use an extra bookend. Call (619) 229-2822 for tixs.

Club Sabbat returns to Rich’s on Saturday, May 14. Then L.L. Bear Lair will be back on May 21 with DJ Derek spinning hi-NRG and tribal beats. Come check out all the hot men.

All Worlds Video porn star Nick Capra will make a guest appearance at the It’s Raining Men wet underwear contest at Bacchus House next Thursday, May 19, at 11:00 p.m.

Miss Gay International Penelope London will crown her successor at The Center on Saturday, May 28, at 7:00 p.m. Interested contestants should call Francesca at (619) 294-8430 for information.

Tuesday nights are Laundry Night at The Brass Rail. Strip down to you underwear and enjoy all sorts of drink specials all night long. There is no cover and free clothes check at the door. Also, Wednesday nights are now Big Mike’s Joynt, and he’ll be pouring all sorts of drink specials all night long. Saturday is Noche Latino Americano. The boyz behind the bar – Rey and my big daddy, Keith – keep me feeling happy up to last call.

Email me your thoughts and comments to coco@cocolachine.com.