The Organ Pavilion was the perfect setting for this year’s Pride rally, held last Friday night. Mayor Murphy, along with many city councilmembers, commissioners and other politicos showed up to celebrate GLBT Pride under a beautiful, cloudless sky. Honored at the rally were the three grand marshals, including our beloved Bonnie Dumanis, gay icon and former NFL star Esera Tuaolo (looking so terribly sexy in his white cotton shirt and jeans) and my dear sister Jess San Roque, executive director of APICAP, who stole a moment to “lei” the mayor with a garland of flowers. LA Center Executive Director Lorri Jean delivered a spirited keynote address, but the highlight of the evening had to be the kiss emcee Russell Roybal received unexpectedly from hot hunk Councilmember Scott Peters. Am I a jealous queen? You bet I am!

And it was nice to see so many turn out for the rally — for once it wasn’t the same 150 or so folks that usually show up at community events.

The parade was a huge success as well. It is that one day of the year that we allow — or tolerate — the most outrageous, outlandish and out-of-the-closet fashion fiascos. Why do we keep all those tacky rainbow outfits and feel the need to wear cheap feather boas? Being the card-carrying member of the fashion police that I am, I must tell many of you dear chickadees that Spandex is not for everyone, but because I am a good queen and in the spirit of Pride, I shall not embarrass you by printing your pictures. The good news is that there were many bare-chested hunks around to distract me. I even have photos to prove it.

Some of my favorite contingents included the Rich’s “all-American-a-go-go” float, the fantastic costumes of Azalea Park’s “pirate ship” float, a garish gold lamé Roman bathhouse float from Bacchus House, and the splendid Emperor Rafael, with his royal cape in a T-Bird convertible. But what I would have loved most was to be crushed inside the humongous Numbers limo with 50 of their go-go boys.

So, in the spirit of Pride, I shall forgive all your fashion faux pas, as long as you promise to bury those rainbow, spandex and moth-eaten boas deep in your closet — at least for another year.

Well, certainly not Ms. Liza. The doomed-from-the-start, ridiculous as Michael Jackson’s wedding to Lisa Marie Presley, marriage of Liza M to David Gest has gone kaput! I’m thrilled that Ms. “Liza with a Z” finally came out of her K-hole and realized what a repulsive and slimy troll she bagged. What a loser. I mean, just the thought of sharing your bed with Mr. G is enough to make a girl turn to booze and pills. Never mind! The question is, “Was the marriage consummated?” Wait, excuse me while I throw up. The visual is a bit much for a delicate dame like me. I hope Ms. M had a pre-nup written up before Gest changes his name to Garland — that would be a crime.

Last weekend, while waiting in line at the Dallas Airport, I came across a display counter showing some of the things one is not supposed to take along on an airline trip. No, we are not talking about your nail clippers or garden-variety scissors. Here are some of the no-nos of carry-on: Drano (I’m not kidding), Miracle-Gro, house paint, scuba tanks, propane gas tanks and car batteries. Can you believe this? How many of you have actually traveled with a propane gas tank or a car battery? Hold on; are you ready for the piece de resistance? No CHAIN SAWS please! You can’t make things like this up! No wonder we now live in a terrorist state. Violators may be subject to a $25,000 civil penalty for each violation, and in some cases — a criminal penalty of up to $500,000 and/or imprisonment of up to five years (and the powers that be are worried about gay marriage?!).

I guess I won’t be clipping my toenails with a chain saw on the plane again.

Eddie Green brings his manic Puppet Divas to 6th@Penn in the hilarious sendoff, Miss America and Miss Runner-up. Originally a standout song from the old Broadway production Playgirls, Eddie parodies the gay drag musical Pageant from a few years back, letting the audience vote on who will be Miss America and Miss Runner-up, based on beauty and talent. Will it be Polly Darton, Cher Delight, Roxie Starr or Lupita Margarita Lopez? (There is actually an openly lesbian NYC council member named Margarita Lopez) Mr. Green must have locked himself in a room and gone berserk for four weeks armed with a hot glue gun, lots of feather boas and big hair. So go see Miss America at 6th@Penn on Fridays and Saturdays at 10:30 p.m., through Aug. 9 only. For tickets, call (619) 284-8531.

That’s right kiddos, time to dig out your tiaras, ball gowns and opera gloves and head on down to the US Grant Hotel this Saturday, Aug. 2. Vote for your favorite candidates — Linda Childers or Cristina Monet for Empress and Robi Cox, Brian Johnson or Richard Britton for Emperor. Enjoy dinner while being entertained by Cynthia Manley of the Boys Town Gang and Rob Halford, the lead singer of Judas Priest. Bring lots of money and bid on items such as dinner and theatre packages, a two-night stay at All Worlds Resort in Palm Springs, a personal invitation to a porn set with lunch, or an almost naked photo of Tug James. The Military Ball is being dedicated to all American veterans and servicemembers. Out of town royalty from as far away as Alaska, New York, Hawaii, Boston, Denver and Canada will be in attendance to celebrate the successful completion of Reign XXXI and the stepping down of Emperor Rafael and Empress Sybil. Reign XXXI and the board of the Imperial Court de San Diego raised over $70,000 for charities this past year. Kudos to everyone involved.

For those of you wondering, ”What shall I wear?” Well, to start with, it’s a formal event. So no t-shirts, jeans, shorts or anything you would wear to the beach or shopping. For men, or those who identify as such, black or white tie are de rigueur — that or a proper military uniform. If you are into leather, much as I like to watch, no bare butts or bare chests please. For women, or those who identify as such, formal long gowns are the order of the night. This is neither a pageant nor a hooker convention, so no undergarments showing please. You can usually find a good deal on gowns at Lohmans (Fashion Valley, near Michael’s crafts), but not in the petite section. Or call Bobby Trendy to upholster a dress for you. Of course, jewelry is always a must (when in doubt, pile on the rocks). Big hair is definitely welcome, so for fab wigs, go to Granada Wigs on 12th Ave. and E Street and ask for Maria. Unescorted ‘ladies’ are welcome, but if you happen to bring a cute escort, make sure I meet them first. Also, it is always a nice gesture to curtsey to titled royalty — just don’t fall on your face in your heels; that would not be very ladylike. As for makeup, drug store varieties aren’t too shabby these days — there’s no sense splurging on Mac or Chanel if you’re only an occasional dragster. And if you do your own make up, please remember to blend, blend, blend. Leave your Pride and Halloween drag behind. Think Cinderella and Prince Charming for the Ball and you can’t go wrong.