Two weeks ago, I paid a visit to Dr. Parvin Mani of the San Diego Cosmetic Laser Center (located at 555 Reservoir Dr. near SDSU) for a quick Botox touch-up before hopping on a Jet Blue red-eye for my pilgrimage to New York City. You may recall that I had my first treatment three months ago, and I wanted to make sure I look younger than the old gang in N.Y.C. As my mother always tells me, everyone should have a good lawyer, accountant and cosmetic surgeon. Granted, this is not microsurgery, but Dr. Parvin is my new best friend.

The weather in New York was fantastic, and the forsythias are in bloom. Spring is one of the best seasons in New York. For a few short weeks, the ornamental pear trees are ablaze with blossoms, and you see the crocuses, hyacinths and tulips emerging from the grounds. Fortified with an onion bagel with a smear of cream cheese, I sauntered to the Farmers Market in Union Square, often seen on the Food Network, and shopped for fresh produce and artisan bread. Nearby, I marveled at the New Yorkers who sipped their espresso in sidewalk cafés and are oblivious to the flurry of activities while a TV pilot is being filmed.

My friend Bobsie, former manager of LIPS San Diego, told me that the cops raided the knock-off shops in Chinatown. Now, this is not something new because they do that on a regular basis. As I traveled west on Canal Street, it became evident that the storekeepers were more cautious than before, but business was definitely still on. I took my posse and we went on a scavenger hunt. The trick is to gain the confidence of the “watcher” and convince them you are a serious buyer. Do not be too specific about the brand or style you’re looking for, but asking for “Louis” will generally get you in the back room. Once in, you can make your selection. After your first purchase, your ticket to the other underground shops is the black plastic bag that they put your loot in. The labyrinth of tunnels and dark hallways that one goes through, however, is even more surreal than before. And even after you’ve made your purchase, you don’t get to exit until the “inside” man gets the all-clear signal from the street via cell phone. Fully satisfied, my friend Edith and our posse went for a lavish lunch at Baltazar in Soho, one of Martha’s favorite haunts in the city.

The Friday night I was there, Nicole and I presented the Jose Honors, an Imperial Court award named after Jose Sarria (founder of the Imperial Court and the first openly gay candidate to run for public office, who hails from San Francisco), at the majestic Tavern on the Green in Central Park. Ben Dillingham III was a recipient, and a group of San Diegans that included Rick Ford, Julia Legaspi, Jess San Roque and Fifi were in attendance. Saturday was Coronation night, and the celebration of the 20th anniversary of the Imperial Court of New York. Over 1,200 people, resplendent in their finest regalia, flocked to the Marriott Marquis in Time Square. The honorary co-chairs were Whoopi Goldberg, Joan Rivers and Blaine Trump. The New York Court is famous for their grand production numbers, taking excerpts from a current Broadway show, and this year’s number, “Not-A-Lot,” after Spamalot, brought the house down. Guest entertainers included Varla Jean Merman and “American Idol” contestant Kimberly Locke, who belted a mean “Over the Rainbow.”

There were several “costume malfunctions” that night, including someone stepping on a New York empress’s gown – the elastic on her waistband broke and her skirt fell right in the middle of the silent auction area. Another well-known empress was on stage and her zipper popped, revealing (quelle horreur!) just skin and crack, and I was told it was not a pretty sight. The ball was a huge success, and God’s Love We Deliver, a meal delivery service organization for people with AIDS, is expected to receive over $50,000 as the beneficiary of the ball.

A trip to New York is not complete without taking in a Broadway show. The must-see shows are The Odd Couple, with Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, and Pajama Game with Harry Connick Jr. But the most coveted tickets are definitely for Ms. Julia Roberts in her Broadway debut, Three Days of Rain. The play features Ms. Roberts and two actors, and all three play dual roles. Julia is a bit thin, but she owns the stage (as Paula Abdul would say) every time she makes an entrance. She is electrifying and intense, and the show was definitely worth the $250 third-row seats my friend Edith paid for. Outside, there were over 500 people waiting by the stage door for Ms. Roberts’ exit. At exactly 11:20 p.m. (as promised by the N.Y.C. finest), she came out, signed some autographs and posed for a few pictures, then went off in a black SUV – all in less than three minutes.

Another show I wanted to see was Tryst, starring Maxwell Caulfield. Some of you may remember Maxwell as Miles Colby on “Dynasty” over 20 years ago. I remember him in an off-Broadway play at the New York Public Theater called Salonika with Jessica Tandy. The play was about two old-maid sisters on a summer vacation on the Greek isle of Salonika. Maxwell was stark naked on the beach set, lying on his stomach without saying a word during the entire first act. I was not complaining. At the beginning of the second act, he finally turned over – and you could hear the rustling of the seats in this theater-in-the-round, with gasps followed by total silence. I was in awe of Maxwell’s manliness. I was so hot and bothered I didn’t remember the rest of the play. Fast forward to almost 20 years later, and Mr. Caulfield, now in his late 40s I’m guessing, stars as a gigolo in Edwardian England. The show promised nudity, and said it is not advisable for a young audience. I was excited.

The play started with him shirtless, and Mr. Caulfield has definitely been hitting the gym. The first act came and went with no nudity. But I’m a patient queen, and good things come to those who wait. So I waited and I waited and I waited, and then in the last three minutes of the play, his female co-star stepped out of the bathroom in all her not-so glory. As for me, I have my memories, and sometimes they are better that way.

That same night, the NYPD raided six gay bars on suspicion of having drugs on the premises, including my favorite, Splash Bar. The raid made the 11 o’clock news, and queer boys all over the city were in a frenzy – where does one go?! Luckily, a new bar just opened, and my friend, former porn star and now bar promoter Aaron Tanner, is one of the managing partners. This bar, Release, located at 161 West 23rd St. in Chelsea, is quaint and has super-hot bartenders, go-go boys (did you know that they can bare their ass in N.Y.C. bars?) and a really hunky manager, Max, the father of the dozen children I plan to have. It has a small but cool dance floor and an amazing DJ, and the general atmosphere is friendly, edgy, steamy and cool all at the same time. Check out this new bar next time you’re in town. The other good news is that Splash has reopened – all’s well that ends well.

My trip back to New York was otherwise uneventful, except that my luggage busted open on the baggage carousel, and Coco’s undergarments and jewels were thrown all over the conveyor belt. As I have dainty hands, I could only pick up so much at a time, and it took two more embarrassing turns before I repossessed my treasures. But, boy, am I glad to be back. The moral of the story: Do not buy cheap luggage.

Receive admission for two to the Tuesday, April 18, pre-screening of Kinky Boots, Julian Jarrold’s new film based on the true story of a shoe-factory owner (Joel Edgerton) who faces the impending shutdown of the factory until he has a chance encounter with a flamboyant transvestite cabaret star (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Simply come into the Gay & Lesbian Times office, located at 1730 Monroe Ave. in University Heights, and bring five valid e-mail addresses with you. Call (619) 331-7119 for more information.

All Worlds Video exclusive Kevin Brown will be making a guest appearance at the It’s Raining Men wet underwear contest on Thursday, April 27, at Bacchus House. There will be DVD giveaways and $1 well drinks. Bacchus House has been bringing in top gay porn superstars to their stage, including Falcon exclusive Roman Heart a month ago. Don’t miss young stud Kevin Brown!

Big Tom, who’s produced a few parties in town, has a new project called “Artists Open Studio” this Saturday, April 15, at The Center from 2:00 to 7:00 p.m. The show will feature more than 60 local artists and their works in painting, sculptures, ceramics, jewelry, photography and more. For more info, call (619) 929-9829.

It’s White Party weekend in Palm Springs. If you plan on attending, please party safely!