What a mess we are in with the recall election coming up in October! Not only will it further bankrupt our frail economy, the recall will throw the state into total chaos. While I am not a big fan of Gov. Davis, I truly worry about the alternatives.

First off, the “Terminator” himself, Arnold, is a big joke. I would no more trust him with California’s healthcare system than with the economy of the state. Just look how anorexic his wife, Maria Shriver, appears in her big drag queen hair and heavy lip liner. What worries me most is that Schwarzenegger’s name recognition alone might actually propel him to the governor’s mansion — with so many candidates seizing the opportunity to become governor and needing as little as l0 percent or less of the vote to win. With only 65 signatures and a $3,500 fee required for registration, the list of Davis wannabes now looks like the Brady Bunch meets the Osbournes. There’s former child actor Gary Coleman, who was once involved in an assault charge when he was working as a security guard at a video store (I’m not kidding, I saw this on Court TV.) There’s Angelyne, whose claim to fame is the fancy billboards her rich husband installed all over Los Angeles, and whose first act as Governor would be to add a hefty tax on breast implants. There’s Georgy Russell, a 26-year-old software engineer who sells thongs imprinted with her campaign slogan on her website. She must have a very small agenda! Of course, there are the regular politicos in the race as well, such as former LA Mayor Richard Riordan and William Simon. And then there’s Larry Flint, head honcho at Hustler Magazine. You know, I think he would be the best for California. With his business acumen, his progressive ideas and his devil-may-care “live and let live” attitude — he definitely is my man.

But if none of the over 125 candidates appeal to you, there’s still little ole’ moi — Coco LaChine. I shall be making my announcement next week on “Will & Grace.” My campaign will be spearheaded by Ryan Seacrest, while Bruce Vilanch will write my campaign speeches. Of course, my campaign platform will be “Sensible Heels and Good Accessories are the Keys to California’s Future!”

Over 500 San Diegans and out-of-town royalty attended Coronation XXXII at the U.S. Grant Hotel Aug. 2. Highlights of the evening included outgoing Emperor Rafael’s performance of excerpts from the musical Chicago — “the best step-down performance ever … “ according to Nicole the Great — Cynthia Manley’s rendition of “At Last,” Rob Halford’s electrifying performance, and Numbers co-owner Richard Britton and Chad Michaels as Sonny & Cher. The set design was regal, the evening was elegant and the ball served dinner for the first time in almost 14 years. Under Rafael and Sybil Stunning, the Imperial Court de San Diego raised over $70,000 for various charities this past year. The evening was dedicated to all American veterans and servicemembers. As “God Bless America” was sung, a sea of red, white and blue ribbons floated through the air and stretched clear across the entire ballroom. It was a very stirring moment of honor and pride. As a tribute to Empress Nicole the Great’s double decade celebration of her reign as Empress 11 (one of six times), Producer Rick Ford presented a ceremonial State crown to the Court in her honor. What a truly beautiful Coronation!

Congratulations to newly elected Emperor Robi Cox (of Bacchus House) and Empress Cristina Monet! May you both reign with wisdom.

Yes, sweeties, the lovable drag restaurant on 5th and Olive has revamped their menu and it looks really good. In fact, they have named a seafood dish in my honor. How appropriate. (I used to manage the LIPS restaurant in New York) Start with the death-defying Frozen Cosmo and a serving of the spicy Fried Calamari. If you’re with friends, pass “Samantha” around — she’s the appetizing sampler plate. For a main course, you’ve gotta eat me. The “Coco LaChine” is tender (just like me) shrimps sautéed in white wine with lemon butter and capers. For meat lovers, “KiKi” is the chicken queen “cordon blue” style. Try “Babette’s” succulent ribs or “Fina’s” filet in a Jack Daniels peppercorn sauce. If you haven’t been back in awhile, now is the time to do so.

Congratulations to Center Board members Robert Gleason and Jennifer LeSar on being two of “40 Under 40” selected by Metropolitan Magazine.

Seen having brunch at Bourbon Street last Sunday was Big Mike, looking really good. Looking hot is new manager, John, who is originally from New York.

Congratulations on the 20th anniversary of SRO Lounge, a really nice neighborhood bar one is bound to find happiness at.

ADMIT IT! How many of you are sucked into watching all those stupid reality shows that been flooding your home tube this summer. “For Love of Money II” — I watch it just to see if bachelorette Erin will get screwed (not literally) over, and whether the guy she finally chooses will take the money instead of her (something she did in the first episode when she was one of the eligible). “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” — The Ferrari-driving bachelor/dad lets his four grown children pick his new wife. This is the most surreal reality show — a reasonably good-looking, rich, middle-age man meets a blond, silicon-infused, former beauty queen. He wants her and she wants to win. What’s the big deal? Instead, the children choose a ‘sensible’ mom from Del Mar — Cristina. Come on, give ole’ pops a break! “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” — Who cares? Why waste your time trying to teach a dork to accessorize, that Gewürztraminer goes best with Chinese food, that decorating your home does not mean just owning a giant screen TV or teaching them how to exfoliate — there’s enough queer boys around we should be teaching. Besides, fashion savant Carson Kressley is just as annoying as Bobby Trendy. “Boy meets Boy” — another waste of time. Five of the 15 eligible are from San Diego (five of the total 15 are straight). Just stop off at Bourbon Street every Tuesday and meet cast member Wes — and if you beg, he might tell you who wins. Or better yet, take a cast member home. Then there’s the “Last Comic Standing” — underdog Santee resident Dat Phen was the last comic standing at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas as he poked fun at his Vietnamese family. His style is reminiscent of Margaret Cho’s shtick about her Korean mother. Finally, there’s “Extreme Makeover” — for those of you who love blood and gore. Do I really want to see liposuction on TV or staple marks after a facelift? It’s not for me. I wonder if they have ever done a penile enlargement…. Now that might be interesting!

Leather and Disco collide on Friday, Aug. 15, at Bacchus House! DJ Dallas from Shooterz will be presiding over the flashback induced dancing.

Numbers is packed to the rafters with hotties on Tuesdays. Chad Michaels hosts the Go-Go Boiz Contest, making sure the contestants are up to snuff with their stuff! Look for a ‘special guest performance’ on Tuesday, Aug. 19.

The incomparable Fifi will be celebrating her birthday with a show at the Brass Rail on Friday, Aug. 22. The event will benefit the MCC Building Fund. Doors open at 7:00 p.m. and the show starts at 8:00 p.m. Do show up — if you beg, Fifi might serve up her famous “LaBelle” number.

“Popsicle” Saturday, Aug.16, at Richs is extra special this weekend with the DVD release party of Chicago, with free giveaways all night. Just be sure you don’t push your way in front of me, or you’ll end up with Roxy in murderer’s row.

There’s got to be a morning after, so party guru Will Gorges (IndepenDANCE) brings you circuit spin queen Susan Morabito of NYC for the 7th annual “Morning Party” on Sunday, Aug. 17, from 12:00 noon till 5:00 p.m. at the West Street Beach in Laguna Beach. $45 gets you great music on a gigantic dance floor on a beautiful sandy beach with all the drinks you can ask for. Remember, lots of fluid is good for the body, and if you get too hot, just jump in and cool off in the ocean. Advance tickets are available at Rainbow Road or by calling (323) 866-7018. If you don’t make it to Laguna, you know that Sunday is nothing “Basic” at Richs. Dance club diva Kim English will be performing live. I’ll be there if they have to prop me up!

Last, but certainly not least, Thursday nights at Montage, you’ll want to do a little “shopping” at “Swapmeat” from 8:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. There’s no cover and $1.50 wells from 8:00-11:00 p.m.