Polling consumers about their fast-food intake is like asking heterosexual men if they’ve ever experienced or acted upon homoerotic thoughts. Neither survey is going to yield enough honest answers to produce accurate, shameless statistics. Where the latter group is locked in defensiveness because of age-old societal “norms,” the former, which includes a whole lot of us, remains tightlipped under the bullwhips of today’s food police and fitness fascists.

Yet when it comes to popping down slapdash burgers and fried poultry nuggets, one need only observe the bustling fast-food lanes of San Diego or sniff under the seats of people’s vehicles for errant French fries and reconstituted onions to discover who’s lying. (I ’fessed up – to myself, at least – the day an unused ketchup packet clogged a vacuum hose at my local car wash.)

Despite our repressed, grease-loving appetites, we’re feeding the fast-food industry with a reported $1 billion in profits each year. And in return we’re getting cheap chow that is everything from convenient and tasty to nutritionally void and nauseating. Service and ambience, as we all know, lie somewhere between a Big Mac and a Six Dollar Burger.

Below is my take on several new and established fast-food items that test our willpower, claw at our guilt and threaten our honor after we eat them.

Burger King

Not to be confused with the company’s heavily breaded Chicken Strips of mostly mulched white meat, the pulp in these odd fingerlings is unidentifiable because their tongue-coating, greasy exteriors make them taste, well, like French fries kissed by saturated fat. Kids and Southerners seem to love them.

McDonald’s

Rumor circulated about a year ago that the special sauce recipe used on this double burger, triple-bun favorite was slightly tweaked to make it more viscous. Though none of the managers I asked could ever confirm the change, I had indeed noticed greater creaminess and admittedly liked it to the point where I exceeded my Big Mac quota by returning to Happy Land for yet another within a month’s time. (Note: McDonald’s new premium salads are excellent and substantial, but they’re sacrilege to the hedonists who really come here for the salt and fat.)

Carl’s Jr.

Despite an extraordinary bready bun and a slap of undesirable lettuce from the outer leaves that skates off the sandwich from mayonnaise, the breaded chicken patty is gristle-free and mildly piquant. And it’s only 99 cents. Livelier and for a couple bucks more, the Santa Fe Chicken comes on a wheat bun and gives you a thicker, juicier, non-breaded breast filet in its natural form. It’s topped with a panel of soft Ortega chili, a slice of partially melted, waxy orange cheese and kicky mayonnaise spiked with mystery seasoning.

AM/PM

These plump, fiery dogs are quite juicy if you snag one that’s been freshly bagged and loaded into the hot display cases within an hour of purchase. It’s just as well they require no fixings, since the store’s condiment areas are generally messy and void of utensils for slathering on the mustard and ketchup. Either way, all the antacids in the world won’t thwart the serious burping that ensues after eating these.

Wendy’s

The franchise famous for its pitifully thin and watery burgers has rolled out a line of sandwiches that start with “artisan bread” (a.k.a., corporate ciabatta), and in the case of the Frescata Club continue with a salty mound of Black Forest ham, roasted turkey breast, bacon, Swiss cheese and mayo. The company’s awkwardly worded catchphrase: “It’s good deli when you do what tastes right,” is the first clue that you’ll get fresher, springier sandwiches at real delis.

Jack in the Box

So what if the meat compound inside these wholly fried tacos resembles canned dog food – I’ve yet to meet a carnivore who rejects them. They’re delectably greasy, easy to handle and still cost only 99 cents for two. The breakfast sandwich on a sesame bun, however, gives beating hearts cause for alarm. It’s loaded down with two eggs, double cheese, double ham and scads of bacon. You’ll need a fire hose to rinse the fatty film out of your mouth afterward.