The effort to build a Men’s Project at The Center has sometimes felt like writing a big personal ad to the entire men’s community. Something like: “Stable, unique, innovative service organization (over 30) seeking strong, talented, intelligent men of all ages and backgrounds for dinner and good conversation. Looking to find mutual interests, strengthen support networks and create a new paradigm.”

The Center’s new project, “Changing the Dialogue,” focuses on the need to rebuild and sustain the men’s community. After more than 25 years of living with the HIV/AIDS epidemic, struggles with substance abuse (particularly with the current crystal methamphetamine crisis) and other challenges, the conversations about gay men’s lives have too often been focused on disease, disability and vulnerability, rather than on the reservoirs of strength, talent, resiliency and courage that we know make up our community.

Our goal is to alter that conversation, and develop initiatives and programs that affirm our strength and expand our vision in the service of building a powerful GBT men’s community in San Diego.

David Contois and Patrick Loose – gay men in their 30s and 40s, and the leaders of the new Men’s Project efforts – came of age in the early days of the AIDS crisis. Then, like before, sexual orientation was automatically tied in the minds of others to disease, darkness, despair and death.

For decades, men who were brave and honest enough to come out were told they’d have no future. Or, more precisely, told exactly what kind of futures they could count on – that they would be institutionalized; that they would become untouchable from the ravages of AIDS; that they would be the victims of brutal hate crimes; that they would experience rejection from their own families of origin; that they would never have children of their own; that they’d never find healthy relationships; that they’d have to give up their faith; that they’d never have fulfilling careers and that they’d suffer various other forms of discrimination.

Loose describes the messages powerfully: “It was as if there was this precreated course for gay men’s lives; one that didn’t fit who so many of us knew ourselves to be. This made-up journey didn’t match our own personal hopes, goals and dreams. But this was the message received by so many of us – men of all ages – no matter when we came out.”

Loose and Contois go on to say: “Too few ever heard messages that countered those. We weren’t told that we could find a wonderful and supportive community of friends; that it’s possible to keep our faith and to become fathers; that we don’t have to be closeted to be successful and that even if we are attacked or discriminated against, we can fight back and bring this community with us to the fight. Too few of us got the message that we could be healthy and happy and whole.”

But that is precisely the goal The Center’s Men’s Project is charged with – changing the dialogue.

As they have worked to build this project, Contois and Loose have hosted a series of “weaving” dinners where they have been able to talk with – and really listen to – a diverse pool of San Diego’s men.

These conversations provide us with an opportunity to create an assessment, not based on need, but on strengths and interests. They will allow us to continue to develop programs and activities to help the men in our community fulfill their potential.

I have been inspired – and strengthened – by hearing the success stories from men who are living, or trying to live, healthy, balanced lives. Tapping into the strength of our community will allow for more men to have a place to contribute their time and talent to solving problems and building a healthier, stronger community. The Men’s Project will continue to incorporate these “weaving” conversations, as well as offer the groups that have provided such vital support for so many, like the Men’s Discussion Group and the Men’s Coming Out Group. We are also developing more social and cultural events, as well as seminars on healthy relationships and lives.

Men are beginning the planning stages of our first Men’s Summit. It is an exciting time to build a program with a new focus on the real lives of GBT men.

I know that many men – both here in San Diego and throughout the world – have had these types of conversations before with groups of friends and sometimes even in more formal settings. In this – and in all of our work at The Center – we have the privilege of standing on the shoulders of all the courageous, creative, thoughtful and visionary men and women who came before us. Contois and Loose are two of these visionary men.

All the previous efforts make this moment in time possible; a moment when we can truly change the dialogue about the men of our community.

For more information on The Center’s new project, “Changing the Dialogue,” visit www.changingthedialogue.org.